


Arranged Marriage.

by Angiepanda23



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blackmail, Cheating, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Fluff, Miscarriage, Physical Abuse, Plot Twists, Series, Sexual Abuse, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2020-12-28 16:03:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 31
Words: 89,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21139376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angiepanda23/pseuds/Angiepanda23
Summary: A forgotten past soon to be remembered.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story on A03.  
I had this story idea written in my freshamn year of high school (2013) with only three chapters. I came back to this idea in September and it came to life with the members of NCT.  
I'm really excited to put my work out there.  
Please do not send hate. But constructive criticism is very much welcome.  
Enjoy!

Yuta and I, we have a history. We were best friends as kids and well into our teenage years, we were inseparable. And of course, how could we not be, our parents were also best friends. They had a bond so tight, it only made sense that we’d stick together like magnets too.

After an accident the most important part of our history was forgotten, by him at least. No one knew what happened between us that summer when we were 16 years old. It changed our relationship. It changed us.

The past we shared never came back to him forcing me to endure the aftermath of the accident on my own. My soul and heart were ripped out of me in a way I never thought possible. And maybe I’m selfish but I don’t want the memories to come back to him. Not anymore.

Now I had finally moved on and left the past behind me.  
Aside from our parents being best friends, they were also business partners. They built and owned a cooperate company together. It was their most prized possession.

One that they would hand down to Yuta and I, to take over once they decided to step down. Our parents wanted both families equally involved even after they stepped down and no one having more than the other. Therefore they decided that the most ‘logical’ way to convey that was to have us marry.

They arranged a marriage between Yuta and me.

Forced to move in together before the wedding, to give us time to warm up to each other in hopes that something could actually come of this. But in doing so, it caused the small things to start triggering his memories slowly and hazy at first. Until it finally all came crashing down on him for the first time.

It’s been eight years since the accident happened… now I’m being forced to relive the aftermath over again.


	2. Chapter One.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to our lovely Prince Yuta! I hope he enjoyed it to the fullest.  
This series is in honor of the Prince himself.  
Please do feel free to leave feedback.  
Enjoy!

“Wake up, honey” I heard my mom say outside my door. “Just five more minutes mom.” I groaned covering my face from the sun light that is shining into my room.

“No, you are going to be late for your classes.”

My eyes shot open. I totally forgot, today is my last year of college. Not that I needed it actually, I was pretty much set for life with my parents part in the company, that someday I would take over. But still, I wanted to have something else under my belt, something that I wanted to do and study, in case I ever decided that maybe taking part in the company wasn’t for me.

After changing into a black t-shit, white shorts and my classic converse, I walked out of my room and made my way down to the dining room. My parents were sitting at the table talking about something that by their facial expressions was serious. They stopped talking when they noticed me walk in.

“Good Moring dad.” I greeted him as I sat down across from him as my mom got up and gave me my breakfast. “Good morning honey.” He responded, finishing his own breakfast.

“After school come straight home (Y/N), we are having the Nakamoto’s over and we have something important to tell you.” My mom said trying to hold back a smile and my dad joining her as well. A little confused I nodded and finished my food.

“Okay then, will do. I’ll see you guys later.” I got up to leave my dishes in the sink. I grabbed my bag and walked out of my house. Finding parking in front of my house is a little hard, so I had to park two houses down. On my way to my car, someone behind me tapped my shoulder. Startled, I turned to face them, once I did my face dropped.

“What do you want Yuta?” I asked as I kept walking, not really caring for anything that would come out of his month. “Well that’s not very nice of you, now it is?” He replied, walking in front of me and then turning to face me, walking backwards. I rolled my eyes and kept walking.

Finally I got to my car and got in without speaking another word to him. I drove away, looking in the rear view mirror, I saw him standing there waving me goodbye with his nerve picking, ‘I know something you don’t’ smile.

Yuta and I have been neighbors for as long as we can remember. We were after all, childhood best friends. We breathed and lived for each other back in those days. But now things are different. We lost the bond that we once had. But in front of our parents, we were still friends who just grew apart.

Everything was great for us back then but after that summer, that accident, everything fall apart. Yuta and I were never the same. He forgot everything we went through and no matter how much I wanted to bring those memories back, I couldn’t. They were long gone for him. But for me, it was like it had happened yesterday. But nothing could be done anymore. That summer was long gone and so was the Yuta I knew.

After the memories I wanted so bad to come back, never did I couldn’t keep the friendship going. It hurt too much, remembering everything that he couldn’t was tearing me apart. Being around him was too much. So I broke away first, I had too for my own sanity that was barely even there anymore.

Yuta made the effort to see me and try to make plans to hang out but I kept denying. Eventually he gave up and carried on with his life. Finding new friends to replace my absence. They kept him busy and I grew less and less of a thought to him. And then, I didn’t matter anymore and neither did the friendship.

Ignoring the interaction with him, I pulled up into the schools parking lot, every year, Doyoung, Chittaphon, who likes to go by Ten and Hendery, always park in the same area all school year, it became an unspoken rule we never broke.

The three of them came as a package deal. I am lucky enough to call Kim Doyoung my boyfriend of four years now. Hendery and Ten, there were easily two of my best friends. All three of them are also best friends. There isn’t a thing we couldn’t and wouldn’t do for each other.

As usual, all of them were already there, just waiting for me. I haven’t seen Ten and Hendery all summer, since they had gone away to their hometowns. And Doyoung, I haven’t seen him for a week since we both had been busy with our own things, mostly me being in the office with my parents.

Getting out of the car, right away I threw myself at the boys. “Ten, Hendery, I missed you guys so much! I am so glad you’re back!” I exclaimed. They laughed and hugged me as tight as they could in a three way hug.

“We missed you too (Y/N).” They sang. “Well fuck me then, right?” Doyoung joked behind me. All three of us laughed as we pulled away from the hug.

“Oh please, you had her all summer, it’s time that you share again.” Ten answered playfully as I walked over to him and embraced each other in a tight hug.

“Baby, I missed you so much too.” Doyoung whined into my neck. I playfully rolled my eyes at him. “I know baby, I missed you so much too.” He pulled away from my neck to place a sweet kiss on my lips. Had we not been out here, I would have jumped his bones.

“Oh look it’s the love birds.” Yuta commented as he passed by us with his little trio of friends that consisted of Sicheng, Jaehyun and Taeyong. He turned to look at me, still with that stupid smile of his from earlier plastered on his face and winked at me. Doyoung’s grip on my waist tightened a little at his action. I just rubbed my hand over his in a way to tell him, it didn’t mean anything. Because it never does and never will.

_At least I thought it wouldn’t. _

“Okay guys, let’s get this year over with and kick some ass for the rest of our lives.” Hendery declared completely ignoring the stupidity that is Yuta. He was right, let’s get this year over with. This is the last year here for us before we split into our own things.

After this, I pick up my parents part in the company if I want too, Ten gathers himself to start his art gallery, Hendery starts to venture in his writing as an author. The love of my life, starts his own business in the baking world, which I will hopefully occasionally help in, seeing as we have a passion for the same thing.

We had pretty much tried to match our schedules to the best of our abilities but with all of us studying different things, it was hard to have the same time available to see each other during the day. But we managed to have at least one off hour at the same time so we could have lunch together.

“Alright guys, we’ll meet at the usual place for lunch today.” Ten confirmed before we parted ways, seeing as all of us were headed into different directions. “Will do” was all of our responses.

I smiled to myself as I carried on to my first class. It was some type of math I needed. Math wasn’t really my strong suit so I knew right away this would be a hard class, hoping nothing would distract me.

Class wasn’t starting for another few minutes so when I walked in, there weren’t many students in yet. I made my way to the back of class, like always. I hated being in the front, I always paid attention better in the back for some reason. A minute or two passed and a few more people walked in.

Of course, one of them just had to be Yuta. It’s like his eyes were magnets to me because as soon as he walked in, he spotted me. I simply rolled my eyes and looked away, hoping he wouldn’t sit next to me. But I asked for too much.

“Hey doll.” He greeted as he planted his butt into the seat next to me. I scoffed but didn’t bother to answer him back. Just ignore him, he’s not there if you ignore him, I told myself. “Ah we’re playing the silent treatment? Hmm well then I guess I won’t tell you what I know.” I could hear the cockiness fall off his lips at every word he said. “What do you know Yuta?” I quizzed looking at him, my curiosity was poked at.

“Nuh uh, you wanted to give me the silent treatment so don’t bother, I won’t tell you now.” He teased. In this moment, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to smack that damned smirk off his face. “Whatever.”

The teacher had finally walked in and started the lesson. It was hard to focus when all I could feel on the side of my face was his staring. If he stared any harder, he would have burned a hole into my head. After an agonizing hour and forty-five minutes of trying to focus on the lesson, it was finally over. I gathered my things and quickly headed to the door but I stopped when Yuta spoke to me. 

“Don’t be late going home today, I don’t feel like waiting too long for you.”

I turned to look at him. “You know what they are going to tell me, don’t you?” He smirked as he walked up to me. He leaned down to my ear and whispered, “Like I said princess, don’t be late.”

I tensed up the moment that pet name left his lips. He hasn’t called me that since the accident.

He chuckled and walked away, leaving me alone in the classroom. Confused and a little scared.

I tried to shake away the nerves he created as I headed to my next class but it was hard too. I couldn’t focus on what was going on when his words were ringing in my head. Remembering this morning with my parents, it didn’t seem like it was a bad thing they wanted to tell me. My mom was practically giddy along with my dad.

Finally the time for lunch had arrived for us and all I wanted was to throw myself in Doyoung’s arms. I gathered my things and made way to my car. Placing my things inside, I drove to a café, two blocks away. Much like the parking area we had, the café was our place to hang out. We shared many memories there and it meant a lot to all of us. It was our scarred place.

Upon entering, I scanned the place and found the three boys siting in the back, by the looks of it, they were in deep conversation and it looked serious. But as soon as I approached them, the conversation died quickly. “Hey you’re here baby.” Doyoung cheered pulling out the chair for me. “Yeah, what were you guys talking about?” I questioned as I watched them exchange knowing glances.

“Nothing important, just about a football game coming up.” Ten lied giving me his cheeky smile that gave him away. “Fine, don’t tell me, not like I would care anyway.” I pouted and crossed my arms over my chest.

“Awe don’t be a big baby (Y/N).” Hendery chuckled reaching over to pinch my cheeks. I swatted his hands away and laughed. The waitress came over soon after that and we all ordered.

Lunch passed by fast and so did the rest of the day for that matter. Now here we all stood in front of my car, making plans for this weekend to go out and catch up about the summer. 

_ Buzz! _

I pulled my phone out of my pocket to see that the devil himself had texted me.

[Devil]: Don’t be late princess.

I groaned at the message as I read it. “Sorry guys, but I have to go. My parents want me home right away today, they have some kind of news for me.” I informed leaning into Doyoung more wanting to feel his embrace longer.

“Oh, what kind of news?” Ten asked. “I have no idea but whatever it is, Yuta seems to know about it too but he wouldn’t tell me anything.” As I mentioned his name, I felt my boyfriend stiffen a little.

“You know, Yuta is really starting to piss me off more than usual now. All day today, whenever I saw him, he’d just smirk at me along with his friends, like there was something I didn’t know.” He complained.

“You know, now that I think about it, he was doing the same thing to me too. Sicheng kind of just asked how you were guys were doing, in a vague manner.” Hendery commented.

“Taeyong did the same actually. He asked me if you guys were doing okay, but in a cynical tone almost, like there was something I didn’t know.” Ten added.

Even though Yuta and his friends and I didn’t get along, my friends did with his friends, not Yuta himself though. They simply stayed away from him because of what we have going on. I have no say in the matter because they are free to make their own choices and truthfully I don’t feel any which way about it. But Doyoung of course, doesn’t get along with any of them.

At the mention of this, Doyoung held me a little tighter as I did too. I started to feel a little worried now, what could they possibly want to tell me that would cause Yuta and his friends to behave this way. “Well I’m sure that whatever it is, it can’t be too bad. Besides, Yuta is just weird so I wouldn’t dwell too much on his behavior now.” I tried to reassure them but something didn’t seem right and I know the guys could tell, worried glances were exchanged.

We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways, with the promise of calling later with the news my parents were going to tell me. Nearing my house, I started to feel the anxiety build in me. By the way they acted this morning, it didn’t seem bad, it seemed almost good, and like the best news they could give me. But from the way Yuta and his friends were acting, it didn’t seem like it was good. Walking up to my door and unlocking it, I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, making me feel a little lightheaded.

Entering into my living room, there sat my parents, Yuta’s parents and he himself. I smiled brightly and greeted them, “Mr. and Mrs. Nakamoto, hello it’s a pleasure seeing you again.” They smiled widely at me. “Oh please honey, we’ve told you before please call us by our names.” His mom insisted, signaling her husband to get up so I could take their seat next to Yuta. I just bowed my head and sat next to him. This is no time for fighting, I scolded myself. 

I waited till they sat next to my parents before I asked, “So what’s going?” They all looked at each other and smiled so big and bright that I started to feel a little excited, thinking it was going to be great news.

Until Yuta placed his hands on mine and squeezed a little. I turned to look at him like he’s gone mad and was going to swat his hand away until I heard the words I never imagined come from our parents. My heart stopped and suddenly the pounding in my head got stronger at their words.

“As you know, once we decide to step down the company will be handed to you both in the future. And because both families have played a part in it since literally the beginning, we want both families to always stay involved. We don’t one side having more than the other or anything of those sorts.” His dad paused, looking over at my dad to continue.

“After much consideration, we decided that the best way to do that is that we make the company one, under our last name and the Nakamoto’s. Meaning the both of you will run the company together, as one. As husband and wife.” My dad ended.


	3. Chapter Two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Found out how to add my cover to the story so I'm happy.  
Adding the nicknames was a lot of fun for me.  
Please do enjoy this chapter and feel free to leave feedback.

I yanked my hands out of Yuta’s hold as I stood up. “Excuse me, what?!” I exclaimed. The thumping in my head got harder and my heart raced a million miles per hour. And suddenly everything Yuta did today came back to me. I turned to face him, angry beyond believe. “You bastard! You fucking knew and you didn’t tell me anything! Instead you decided to torture my friends, my boyfriend and me!”

“(Y/N) that is enough! Sit down now!” My mother yelled at me. “Everyone, just relax.” His mom chimed in. “I’m sorry but relax?! How could I possibly relax when you guys just dropped the biggest bomb on me? I’m not going to do it. I won’t. I refuse too.” Yuta pulled me down to him and took my hands in his and squeezed them hard as if he was trying to give me warning.

“(Y/N), if we don’t do this, we won’t get the company. Neither of us.” He calmly explained. A bitter laugh fell past my lips as I tried to take my hands away from him but he wouldn’t budge. “Then I don’t want it. I can easily make a future in the baking business. You can take it and keep for yourself, I don’t care. But I will not marry you, Nakamoto Yuta.” I protested so strongly the disdain in my words could have hurt, if he had cared even a little.

“You do not have an option (Y/N).” My dad spoke. “You are to marry Yuta and take over the company together. If you chose not too and decide to do this, ‘bakery’ thing, we have the power to make sure that you never make it off the ground. And not just you but Doyoung as well.” My dad threatened.

“Of course, you go through with the marriage like we intend too, Doyoung will succeed in making his business and will be left alone in every aspect. And that of course includes your other two friends as well, Hendery and Chittaphon.” Mr. Nakamoto promised.

A million and ten thoughts rushed through my head at once. Not only was Doyoung’s future being put on the line but also Hendery’s and Ten’s. I could never do that to them. They meant the world to me and I couldn’t let our parents ruin their futures because of me. They would tell me that it’s okay and that we could all figure something else out, I know they would but I can’t do that. Not to them I can’t.

My heart was aching at the thought of being married to Yuta. It would be a constant reminder of what was forgotten. My sanity wouldn’t make it, it barely did the first time. Even though I had moved on, that pain still lingers whenever he’s near for too long.

“We were hoping that your reaction would resemble Yuta’s but we can see that wasn’t the case. We do have one more thing.” My mom’s voice pulled me back from my thoughts. “What more can there possibly be?” I groaned removing my hands from Yuta as he loosened his grip. He sat there, giving me a blank look as if this wasn’t affecting him too.  
“The marriage will be in two months and this weekend, you two are moving into your own place. We already have it all settled.”

I felt my heart crack in my chest, the wind get knocked out of lungs. My brain no longer made sense of anything going on around me. Especially not when I stood up to leave and my vison went black. The last thing I remember was the gasps that filled the air and Yuta reaching for me before I hit the floor.

My brain was pounding against my skull when I opened my eyes again. I blinked a few times, adjusting to the light that shone brightly above me. It came to me quick that I was in my room. Was I sleep this whole time? Was that a terrible nightmare?

A groan fell past my lips when I noticed Yuta sitting at my desk, reading a book that laid there. The sound reached his ears causing him to turn around, a smirk playing at his lips.

“Ah sleeping beauty, you are awake.”

He got up and walked over to me, sitting at the foot of the bed. “Go away, I don’t want to see you, not now, not ever again.” I sassed as I sat up leaning against the headboard. “That is no way to treat your fiancé, my bride to be.” He mused, the smirk fully resting on his lips now.

For someone who was being forced to marry someone, he sure did seem to find everything as a joke. Did he not fully understand the situation we were in? Did none of this affect him in any kind of way?

“Don’t you ever in your life, call me that Nakamoto.” I began. “This is not happening. I won’t let it. I refuse to start a life with you. I refuse to be tied to you forever.” Yuta threw his head back as he laughed before getting serious.

“Please princess, you think I want to be tied to you forever? I am doing this for the company our parents have worked hard for. For the company they built for us. The company they have cried, sweated and bled for. This is about the company I am trying to run. And I will run it, with you at my side whether you like it or not.” Yuta explained.  
I remained silent, watching him move up the bed until he was in front of my face. “I hate you with ever fiber that courses through my body. Now more than ever.” I confessed after a long silence of just staring at each other. The corner of his lips twitched into a devilish smile. He didn’t say anything more before he got up and walked to the door. He turned back to look at me before he stepped out.

“Break up with Doyoung tomorrow.”

His words remained in the air long after he left. I stared blankly at the door. I had no words. I had no tears. I had nothing. Everything I had or _thought_ I did, was ripped away from me in the blink of an eye. My parents aren’t who I thought they were. They agreed to let me go to college, to make something of myself in case I didn’t want to be in the business.

But I see now, that was a lie. They knew if they had said no the first time, I would have insisted until they said yes. They let me build all this hope knowing it was never going to go anywhere. They wanted a future they found worthy, even if they had to plan it themselves.

_Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!_

My phone vibrated aggressively on my desk, where it charged. Yuta must have put it to charge while I was unconscious. As I looked through the notifications, it was all messages and missed calls from my four boys. I didn’t have the heart to talk to them right now but I couldn’t leave them without an answer, considering it was almost midnight now. I heavily signed before I opened our group chat.

[Me to My home skillet biscuits]: Hey guys, sorry for answering so late. A lot came up. I can’t tell you over the phone. Can we skip tomorrow?  
As expected, the replies came in fast. Assuming they were waiting to hear even the smallest thing from me any given moment now.

[Chitapurr]: You had me half scared to death! I thought something happened to you!

[Donkey]: You’re alive! You had me worried!

[Bunny]: Baby! Finally about time you answer. You had us all worried.

[Bunny]: I don’t know about the other two but of course. Is everything okay?

[Chitapurr]: You don’t even have to ask. Of course.

[Donkey]: Of course.

[Me]: I’m sorry for worrying you guys, I’m okay. Can we meet tomorrow at one of your places? We can’t talk in mine.

[Bunny]: Yeah sure, come to mine.

[Chitapurr]: Okay, we’ll see you there, time?

[Me]: The time we usually meet at school.

[Donkey]: Okay, I’ll see you there then. It’s late and sounds like you had a long day, go to bed and have a goodnight.

[Chitapurr]: Okay. And yeah, sounds like it’s been a long day, go to bed. We’ll see you tomorrow love.

[Bunny]: See you here tomorrow guys. Goodnight. My love, can I call you?

[Me]: Goodnight guys, see you tomorrow. I’m sorry for making you worry so much. And yes you can babe.

I didn’t want to have to talk to him right now because I don’t know how much I will be able to keep it together. But if I had said no, he would be even more worried than he already is now, and I just don’t want to add anymore worries to him or myself.

Soon enough my phone lit up with his picture on my screen. I took a deep breath and pressed the phone to my ear after answering.

“Baby! Are you okay? What happened?” He practically yelled into his speaker, right away not even letting me say hello first. How can I say I’m okay when I’m not? How can I say anything like my heart isn’t being ripped out of my chest right now?

“I love you so much, you know that right?” I spoke softly ignoring his questions. “Of course, I love you so much too. Why? What happened?” I could hear the concern in his voice so loud and clear.

“I’ll tell you tomorrow babe, I can’t over the phone. But I promise everything is okay. Everything will be.” I lied. Nothing about this was going to be okay, nothing will ever be okay about this.

“(Y/N), are you sure you’re okay?” He questioned. No, I’m not. “I am baby. I’m just tired. I’m going to go to bed, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow my love. Have a goodnight. I love you so much.” I sighed.

“Okay baby, I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Have a goodnight and get some rest. I love you so much.” He replied, then the line dropped. My heart ached terribly. How am supposed to form the right words to them for this to make some kind, if any, sense?

My locked door kept my parents out of my room when they came knocking to see if I was okay. Like if they could ever care how I was after what they did to me. After a much needed shower, my body tired and exhausted collapsed in bed. Sleep was something unknown to me that night, as I twisted and turned, having one too many thoughts run wild in my head.

I had managed to get two hours of sleep when my alarm started ringing, telling me it was time to get ready. My body felt heavy as I carried myself to my closet. I had no desire to be seen by the world so I threw on a pair of sweats and one of Doyoung’s hoodies that fit me rather large. The warmth engulfed me and for a second, I believed nothing had changed. That was until the knock on my door brought me back.

”Honey? Are you awake?” My mom asked through the door. I didn’t bother grabbing my bag, knowing I wouldn’t need it as I walked to my door and unlocking it. Before I pulled it open, I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself and not explode on her. There stood my mom with a sympathetic look on her face.  
I looked past her and walked away as if she wasn’t standing there. She sighed behind me as I went downstairs. My dad sat in the dining room eating his breakfast when I passed by. He looked up at me but didn’t say anything. I turned away and walked out the door.

The sky was colored grey and the air was chilly, that brought a great comfort to me. I walked to my car two houses down again. So lost in thought I didn’t notice someone was behind me till they grabbed my wrist, making me stop.

“(Y/N).” That voice again. I didn’t bother turning around to face Yuta. I pulled my wrist away from him but didn’t do much as he wouldn’t let go. “What do you want?” I mumbled. Without warning, he spun me around to face him. Holding my chin with his free hand, making me lock eyes with him.

We haven’t been this close to each other in years but I guess to him, this would be the first time. My heart skipped a beat at the way his eyes were staring into mine. Suddenly scared that he could be able to see the past he forgot, that flashed before my eyes at our closeness, I shoved him away from me rather hard causing him to stumble a bit before he composed himself.

“I meant what I said last night.” He simply said and walked away.

That’s what did it. That’s what broke the barrier holding my tears. I lost my breath for a second as I sobbed uncontrollably. With my vision blurry it took me a few minutes longer to get to Doyoung’s, having to stop more than once, to catch my breath. But finally I had arrived. Outside, their cars were already there and parked. They were waiting inside for the news that would change everything.

How am I supposed to tell them?

I got out and knocked on the door. It flew open before my fist reached my side again. There stood the love of my life, my heart and soul, seeing him made a fresh batch of tears fall. Doyoung pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. I sobbed harder than I ever have in my life, I’m sure.

“What happened (Y/N)?!” Ten and Hendery exclaimed in unison, behind us as they came to us joining in on the hug. I slowly pulled away from them and looked at Doyoung, who wiped away my tears with his the pads of his thumbs when he cupped my face. “Baby, what happened?” He cooed.

After I gathered myself, we made our way into the living room. We sat quietly for a few moments as I tried to gather enough courage to tell them. They all sat patiently looking at me, giving me time, knowing it was something big given the state I had showed up in.

“You guys know how Yuta’s parents and mine, have a company together and we will both take over once they decide to step down.” I started, they looked confused but nodded knowing that this was always the plan.

“Last night they told me that they want to make the company as one, combining both of their shares. They have decided that the best and most ‘logical’ option to make that happen is that…” I stopped, feeling overwhelmed, tears growing again. They looked at me, not understanding what was going on.

“Is what?” Hendery whispered, scared of what the possible outcome could be. I looked down and watched how the tears fell from my face to my hands, not wanting to look at Doyoung when I say the dreaded words. “That Yuta and I run the company together, as one. As husband and wife.” My voice failed me at the end and came out barely audible. But I knew they heard me.

The air got incredibly thick and tense after I stopped talking. We sat in silence as everyone absorbed my words. Everyone looked stunned and concerned. Doyoung was the first to break through the silence.

“I’m sorry, what? Can you repeat that last part again? As husband and wife?! As in Yuta and you?!” Doyoung shouted, causing me to visibly flinch, never having heard his voice be this loud. “Doyoung, calm down, let’s not get riled up. Just let her explain.” Ten cautioned as he stepped up to Doyoung, in order to get him to sit back down and cool down. But he wasn’t having it. I have never seen him like this and it scared me.

“What is there to explain? She’s going off to marry that bastard and run her fucking company!” He continued. My heart hurt more hearing him like this. I was in disbelieve, how could he think like this? The anger took over me as I got up and defended myself.

“You think I want this? You think I’m going to happily marry someone that isn’t you Doyoung? I’m not doing this because I want too, I’m doing this because I have too!” Hendery came to my side and held me back before I could get any closer to Doyoung. “Have too?! You have to marry that bastard?” He questioned leaning away from Ten’s hold.

“Yes I have too! If I don’t not only will I suffer, but all of you too!” I responded back, my voice louder than before.

“Wait, ‘all of you’? As in like Hendery and me too?” Ten asked pointing between himself and Hendery, looking more bewildered than I have ever seen him look.

“All of us, including me. None of us will see the future we want if I don’t marry Yuta. Marrying him grantees that the three of you will be able to make your businesses and succeed.” I answered, feeling the weight of the world fall on my shoulders. “They won’t touch you if I do this. They promised.”

Silence fell upon on us again as my words hung in the air, not wanting to believe that this is something that could have happened. “What the fuck?” was all Ten could say. Hendery had let go of me in shock. And Doyoung just looked at me as tears grew in his own eyes. He huffed and walked away, to his room I’m assuming. The door being slammed loudly caused me to flinch.

“You don’t have to do this (Y/N). We can find some way around this, we will make this work. We have too.” Ten tried to comfort me. Giving me a big hug along with Hendery.  
“If you guys succeeding means that I have to give away my future then so be it. You don’t deserve to hurt and suffer because of my parents.”

We stood in the middle of Doyoung’s living room, hugging each other as silent tears fell. Not just from me but from them too.

This wasn’t hard just for Doyoung and me but also for Hendery and Ten. The four of us were inseparable since the day we met.

The three of them were already friends before me. They transferred from their high school to mine senior year and we shared homeroom together. Right away, Doyoung and I got each other’s attention, sharing wide smiles from the moment our eyes met. Ten and Hendery noticed and quickly befriended me, in order to play matchmakers. And clearly it worked, having been together for four years now.

But now, our faiths were unknown as lovers and friends. One broken heart became four. As they weren’t sure what was going to happen between us. Not like I knew any better either.


	4. Chapter Three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a smutty chapter. There's some angst and some fluff.  
I love the twist I put in this chapter. It was wonderful writing this.  
Enjoy!

It’s been two hours since Doyoung locked himself away in his room. The three of us sat in the living room, hoping that maybe he’d come out on his own but he never did. Ten and Hendery left almost forty minutes ago, deciding that this is something maybe we needed to figure out alone and in private.

But I wasn’t really sure what or how this could be figured out. I had no other choice but to marry Yuta. I couldn’t let them give up the future they had worked so hard for. Not because of me, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

I made my way to his room and knocked on the door softly. No answer. I opened his door a little and saw him sitting at the foot of the bed with his head in his hands. My heart ached seeing him so broken like this. I walked in and closed the door but didn’t step away from the door.

“Doyoung.” I mumbled. He looked up at me, eyes red and cold. I’ve seen a lot of emotions on my boyfriend’s beautiful face but this one, this one is new and it hit a little different.

“What?” He spat. “Doyoung please don’t be like this. You know better than anyone that I had no say in this. I never wanted this. Not with Yuta.” I explained, moving a little closer to him. His eyes trained on me hard, watching my every step. In the blink of an eye, he stood before me looking down on me. The sudden movement caused me to stumble back a little.

“Don’t mention his name because I might just lose it.” Doyoung spoke sternly. This isn’t the Doyoung I knew, this one is cold and disconnected, nothing about him was warm and soft like he always with me. And deep down I understood why he was like this right now. This was killing him inside, tearing him apart piece by piece.

Nothing was said for a while as we stood in the middle of his room, I could feel the devastation radiate off his body. My gaze never left his chest as his eyes pierced through my soul. He wasn’t much taller than me but right now, I felt like I was two inches tall compared to him.

“Look at me.” He demanded. I struggled to bring me gaze to him. His eyes oozed of anger and hurt all mixed together, his jaw clenched, making his jaw look even sharper. His muscles flexing as he balled up his fist, trying hard to maintain civil.

“I...I think I should go and just give you some time.” I faintly stuttered, dropping my gaze again. I turned on my heels and walked to the door, my heart feeling heavy with sadness.

Just as I was about to open it, Doyoung slammed it shut. I didn’t dare turn to face him, feeling too scared I stayed facing the door. “Where are you going? Back to him?” He whispered dangerously close to my ear, sending chills down my spine. He pressed his front against my back, causing me to lean more into the door.

“You are mine. Mine. And no one else’s (Y/N). Do you understand that?” He snarled as his one of his hands came up to wrap around my neck, leaving faint kisses on my neck. My head leaned back on his shoulder at the sudden action. His other hand traveled down to in between my legs and into the waist band of my sweats.

“I asked you a fucking question. Answer me when I am talking to you.” He growled into my ear, applying a little pressure to my clit over my panties. A breathy moan left my lips. “Yes, I understand.”

He dipped his hand into my panties and slid his fingers in between my folds. “You’re so wet and I haven’t even done anything yet.” He groaned biting into my shoulder. “Doyoung, please.” I pleaded needing more, wanting more.

“You don’t get to ask for shit right now. Don’t make me angrier than I already am.” He miffed as he pushed a finger into me and then another one. “Fuck.” I breathed out. He moved his fingers agonizingly slow. I bucked my hips to get more of a friction but that only caused him to tighten his grip on my neck restricting the blood flow more.

“Don’t.” Doyoung sternly said, maintaining his slow pace. I leaned my head against the door, having his fingers drive me mad at how slow they moved. Suddenly, he pushed his fingers knuckles deep into me and set a rapid pace, causing my body to jolt up.

“That feels so good. Please don’t stop.” I moaned letting my head fall back on his shoulder. His lips left delicate decorations of reds and blues on my neck. My hands shadowed his as the pit of fire became more intense in my stomach. I squeezed around his fingers. He let out a small moan pass his lips, feeding into my desire and need to reach my climax.

“Who do you belong too?” My boyfriend demanded for an answer feeling my walls clench around his fingers harder. I couldn’t think of the proper words, let alone speak. “I asked you a question, don’t make me stop.” He threatened as his thumb ghosted over my clit.

“Y-you. I belong to you.”

He added the needed pressure to my clit to send me over the edge. “Doyoung, I’m going to come.” I squeezed my eyes shut feeling the bubble of pleasure burst. He curled his fingers right into my sweet spot a few times. My body couldn’t help but shake as waves of pleasure washed over me. If Doyoung wasn’t holding on to me, I would have fallen over.

“Doyoung.” I moaned out, trying to catch my breath. Doyoung pumped his fingers inside me a little longer to help me ride out my high, careful not to overstimulate me. Once he was sure I was done, he pulled them out. Heard behind me was his deep groan as he licked his fingers clean of my juices and cum.

“You’re always so delicious.” He praised, leaving kisses on my neck. A smile crept up onto my face at his words. I turned to face him. “I love you so much Doyoung.” I wrapped my hands around his neck and brought him down so our lips could meet.

The taste of my essences lingered ever so lightly on his lips, causing me to moan into the kiss. He pressed me into the door trying to control himself from devouring me in that moment before he got what he wanted. He let his hands wander over my breast, giving them a good squeeze before they landed on my waist.

“I love you too but we’re not done. On your knees. Now.” He ordered into the kiss, pulling my bottom lip in between his teeth. 

My hands rested on his chest, pushing him back so I could drop to my knees and look at up him doe eyed. “Don’t give me that look. You know what to do.” The sternness of his voice turned me on more than I cared to admit. Not having to be told twice, I unzipped his pants and pulled them down to his ankles, along with his boxers. Letting his cock spring free against his stomach, the tip red and angry. The sight alone made my mouth water.

I kitten licked the tip, letting the saltiness of his precum coat my tongue as I wrapped my hand at the base of his dick. “Don’t tease, I’m not in the mood.” He hissed pulling my hair into a makeshift ponytail. I looked up at him as I brought him into my mouth, taking in as much as I could. He groaned as I started to pump my head up and down at a steady pace.

Doyoung started getting impatient so he bucked his hips faster and harder into my mouth. I focused on breathing through my nose as I hollowed my cheeks so that I could take more of him. What I couldn’t take, I pumped with my hand. “Fuck baby, you take me so well.” He moaned. My ego was stroked, there was nothing more that I wanted than to please him. I took him all the way in till he hit the back of my throat and swallowed.

”Shit, fuck, do that again” He grunted as he pulled my hair a little harder. Whatever he wanted was my command. Lewd noises left his lips at the repeated action, causing muffled moans to leave my throat in response. He held my head steady as he fucked into my throat. My gag reflex threatening me when he pushed himself in too deep. My hands held onto his thighs for support.

As tears grew in my eyes, I looked up at him through my lashes. Seeing the tears well up in my eyes and the salvia start dripping down the side of my mouth, is what pushed him over the edge as I felt him twitch in my mouth. My name left his lips like a mantra, as he released into my mouth. I sucked him till I had milked every drop he had to offer.

Breathless he pulled away from my lips, a mixture of saliva and cum connecting my plump lips to the base of his dick.

“Swallow it, all of it.” So I did, rather enjoying the saltiness. I showed him my clean tongue when I was done. “That’s my good girl.” He smiled down at me, giving me his hand to help me up.

Doyoung’s demeanor changed back into the soft and warm person he always has been. He cupped my face and placed a chaste kiss to my forehead, nose, cheeks and finally my lips. I took in this moment, wanting it to last forever. Foreheads pressed together, eyes locked, hands intertwined and small smiles. No one else and nothing else existed besides us right now.

After a warm shower, we laid in bed. Head resting against his chest, his arm thrown over my waist, holding me as close as he possibly could. We haven’t spoken in a while, we just let the quiet surround us. It was comfortable. But I, we both knew there was still much to talk about.

“Doyoung.” I whispered. He hummed, letting me know to continue. How would I even come about this, not wanting to piss him off again or hurt him more than I already have? “I love you so much, more than anything and anyone.” I confessed, deciding that maybe right now wasn’t the best time. He let go of me and shifted to get up. Confused, I moved to get off him to let him get up.

Puzzled, I watched as he walked over to his dresser and took something out from one of the drawers before he came back and kneeled in front of the bed, in front of me. He took a deep breath before he looked up at me, his eyes glossy. My heart ached seeing him like this, causing my own eyes to gloss over.

“I love you so much too, more than anything and anyone (Y/N) (L/N). And up until today, I thought we were ready to face anything and everything but I guess that wasn’t the case.” Doyoung paused, trying to suppress his tears that were threatening to fall.

“I wanted to do this when the time was right, which I thought was soon. I even had the guys help me, knowing that it would make things even more special.” He explained as he played with the little box he held.

I held my breath for the next part, not wanting to believe that this was happening. He opened the box and revealed a beautiful diamond ring. “This isn’t how I ever wanted to ask but will you marry me?” Doyoung proposed, letting his tears fall. As soon as his did, mine did too. I could only sob and nod eagerly as he took my left hand and placed the ring on it.

It fit perfectly. It was meant to be. At least is should have been. But life had different plans.

He got up and kissed me with enough force to make me lay on my back. He placed his hands on either side of my head to hold him up as he attacked my lips to keep from putting all his weight on me. I opened my legs more so he could place himself comfortably in between them, my hands resting around his shoulders.

Our lips were in perfect sync, the kiss oozing of raw passion and love. He licked my bottom lip, asking for permission to enter. I gladly allowed him in. Our tongues danced together, exploring each other like it was the first time. My hands found purchase in his hair and pulled him down into me more, wanting more of him, needing to desperately become one with him.

Pulling away and leaving warm wet kisses down my jaw, to my neck, where his lips found my weak spot, tracing the marks that were already there from earlier with his tongue. He moved to paint new ones on the other side of my neck, like it was a brand new canvas. I moaned softly into his ear, wanting him to know how good he was making me feel.

The thin material of my underwear let me feel his hardening member that hid behind his own boxers, as he started to rut against me. Our breaths got heavier at the feeling of pleasure the minimal friction had created for us. But I wanted more, we both did. “I want you so bad baby.” He moaned into my neck as he pressed into me harder.

“Take me. Make me yours. Only yours.”

Doyoung pulled away from my body to remove my -his- shirt exposing my naked torso to him. “You are so beautiful.” He admired, moving down to lick the valley of my breast. His tongue burned my skin as he traced my hardening nipple, his eyes never leaving mine.

My back arched off the bed when his mouth enclosed around my nipple, his hand going down to my core sliding his hand into my panties, pressing small circles onto my clit.

“Doyoung, please I need you.”

He got off the bed to remove his boxers along with my undies, his fingertips tickling my thighs as he pulled them down. Doyoung kissed up my body as he placed himself in between my legs again. He slid his dick in between my folds, soaking his tip in my juices.

“You are so wet, I love it.” He grunted lubing himself with my arousal before aligning with my entrance. Despite the many times we’ve been intimate, there’s always a slight burn when he stretched me out. “Fuck.” I moaned when he bottomed out, grabbing onto his shoulders.

Doyoung started to thrust into me at a steady pace, allowing my walls to adjust to the stretch. “You feel so good wrapped around me baby.” He mumbled as he kissed me.

Once the pain subsided, I wrapped my legs around his waist, pushing him deeper inside me. The new angle had him brushing against my g-spot with every stroke. Making me let out loud whines. He intertwined our hands and pinned them above my head as he looked me in the eyes and started to thrust harder and faster.

Nothing else could be heard in the room besides our moans, groans and the wet noises of him, coming in and out of me. This time felt entirely too different knowing this could very well be the last time we become one with each other.

“Who do you belong to?” He purred, his forehead becoming sweaty making his hair stick to it. With all the pleasure and the fire growing in the pit of my stomach, it was hard to answer. He pulled my bottom lip in between his lips and bite down, hard. Earning a loud moan from me. “Y-you. You and no one else.” I barely forced out through all the pleasure.

Doyoung picked up his speed and started thrusting into me at an almost animalistic speed. “Fuck, please don’t stop, please.” I dug my nails into his hand. “Only I can make you feel this good. No one else. No one else could ever touch you the way I do.” He growled into my neck as he bite into my skin.

His bites always had my eyes rolling to the back of my head in pleasure. There was always something about the pain of his bites that made me feel hot and lustful for him, more than I already was. His thrust were starting to get a little sloppy, so he was close.

“I need more, please. I’m so close.” I whimpered burying my head into the crook of his neck and started sucking red and blues onto him. Leaving my mark on his silky beautiful skin.

He let go of one of my hands and brought it down in between our bodies to rub circles into my clit. The extra pleasure made me arch off the bed and into his chest. I clenched around him hard, “I’m close baby but I need you to cum for me first.” He groaned. His hard thrust and the pressure on my bundle of nerves were enough for me to see stars when I closed my eyes.

“Cum for me.”

My vison went white as the wave of pleasure washed over me, his name falling from my lips in such a loud lewd manner. My nails digging into the skin of his hand and shoulder hard enough that they will be small cuts tomorrow morning.

The clenching of my walls caused him to reach his own high. Serval curses left his lips as he released in me, covering my walls in ropes of thick white. Coming down from our highs, he leaned down to kiss me, letting himself become soft in me before pulling out. Letting his cum and my own, spill onto my inner thighs.

Rolling over and lying next to me, we both laid there for a moment, steadying our breaths. After doing so, he got up to get a warm rag and cleaned me up, leaving small kisses all over my body making me giggle and blush from something so innocent. 

Doyoung finished and got into bed with me again, pulling me to him in the same position we were in before he proposed. I snuggled into him more, not wanting to let go, not now, not ever. He covered our naked bodies before we drifted off to sleep, almost forgetting the cold reality that we were about to face.

This felt warm and safe. This felt like home. This is the future I wanted. Not the one I was forced to take with Yuta. I could never give myself to Yuta like this.

Not again.

The first time was entirely too heartbreaking and he doesn’t even remember it. I carry a lot burden about that unremembered past but I am not and will never be prepared or ready to let it out into the real world.

_Little did I know, that wasn’t up to me. _


	5. Chapter Four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Mentions of miscarriage and physical abuse. A fight scene as well.  
Flaskback.  
Exciting chapter!  
Enjoy!

Doyoung and I were harshly awakened from our blissful sleep, wrapped in each other’s embrace, by the sound of harsh banging coming from his front door. “Make it go away.” I whined into his chest. He let out a small chuckle, “Let me get up and see who it is.”

Groaning I moved away from him, burying my face into the warm pillow. Looking at him as he put on his boxers and left the room. I reached over for my phone, reading the time, 10:30pm. Who in their right mind was banging on the door at this hour?

My question was soon answered as I heard yelling coming from outside. “Where is she?” someone yelled. I soon realized that voice belonged to Yuta. “Get out of my house now.” Doyoung’s voice was loud and clear.

My heart raced, I couldn’t go out there because it would make things worse. But if I didn’t, then who knows what could happen. “I asked a fucking question. Where is she?” Yuta yelled again. Oh no.

Rushing, I threw on one of Doyoung’s shirts and my undies before running outside of the room. The air become undeniably thick and heavy as I stepped into the living room. Swallowing the lump that was growing in my throat, I walked over to Doyoung and stood behind him.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Yuta mumbled under his breath, holding the bridge of his nose. “Get changed. You’re leaving with me, right now.” He ordered at me. 

Doyoung laughed sarcastically as he looked at Yuta square in the eyes. “She’s not going anywhere with you. She belongs with me.” He spoke so firmly, goosebumps rose on my skin hearing his words. Yuta’s eyes grew as dark as a black hole as he looked at us.

“I suggest you make yourself scarce bunny boy and leave my bride to be, with me, the person she actually belongs with now.”

Doyoung visibly tensed at his words feeling like they plunged right into his heart. I wrapped my arms around his bare chest fearing he was going to lunge at him any moment. “Doyoung, don’t.” I whispered to him.

Yuta stood before us smirking, satisfied he got under Doyoung’s skin. As I watched him, I saw the way his eyes fell on the ring that rested on my left hand. His smirk dropped and he locked eyes with me immediately.

I spoke first before he could say anything about the ring, “Yuta leave. I’m not going anywhere with you.”

Yuta looked at the ring once more before turning to leave, slamming the door shut after him. The noise echoing made me flinch. Doyoung turned around and held my face scanning it before he asked, “Are you okay?” I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding in and nodded. “Are you okay?”

“You’re here, so I’m prefect.” He flashed me his gummy smile that made my heart melt. “You’re so cheesy.” I teased. “Come on, let’s go back to bed.” He grabbed my hand and led me back to his room.

We laid in bed, wrapped in each other’s embrace, the air thick and heavy. My heart started to ache knowing this had to happen now. We couldn’t put it off for much longer. But neither of us wanted to speak first, scared that we wouldn’t be able to make the words come out.

He held my hand a little tighter as he sighed, bringing it up to his lips as he placed a kiss on my knuckles. I didn’t want to look up at him, knowing that if I did, I would start to cry, again. Things weren’t supposed to be like this for us.

My parents loved him, they adored him and wanted him to be with me. They had said it so many times, not just to me but to him as well. They did nothing but support us. They had spent holidays at his house accompanied with his parents as well. But all of that was fake, every compliment and wishes of everlasting love meant nothing, knowing they were never going to come true.

It was a day soon after we had celebrated our first year, and we were in Doyoung’s kitchen, baking something together like we had countless times. And as I was mixing the batter, I had looked over at him, whipping the frosting. Something about the look on his face, so focused and determined, told me that he was going to be the man I was going to marry.

The moment seemed to have lasted forever, that someday I was going to walk down the aisle with him waiting for me. Someday he was going to be my husband and I couldn’t wait for the moment that I called him that for the first time.

Now that moment will never come.

“I don’t know what I’ll do without you.” He confessed. Tears grew in my eyes. “I have loved you for so many years, I thought of a future with you. To marry you, start a family, own my bakery with you helping out.” He continued, a small sob escaping his lips.

I looked up at him, seeing his tears fall. I wiped them away, there was nothing I could say to make this better because nothing could. “Now you’re going to go off and marry someone else and live the future we wanted.”

“No, no I am not. I am not building anything with him, especially not a family. I want the father of my kids to be you and only you. If not then I won’t have kids, period. I don’t want Yuta, I never have and I never will.” I assured.

Knowing deep in my heart it was a lie. At some point in time we made promises like that too. We were kids, teenagers, most of the time they mean nothing. But I knew that Yuta and I meant every single one of them. I carried each one with me till this day, burned into my soul. 

Small sobs were the only sound that bounced off the walls of his bedroom. Each one filled with more sorrow than the last. Our hearts ached, feeling devastated with sign of relieve anytime soon. 

“Stay with me forever.”

“Forever.”

The following morning, we got ready and dressed for our classes. Nothing was being said between us, just gloomy smiles and too many feelings to process. Once we were done, we just looked at each other. “You’re not going to cover your neck?” He mused caressing my neck where his artwork laid beautifully.

“Nope, I want everyone to know who I will always belong too.” I replied looking at his, knowing he didn’t cover his for the same reason.

We both took in a deep breath, knowing this was it. This is where we needed to part ways. I wasn’t ready to take the ring off, afraid that maybe I never will be. So there it was on my finger. “You sure I can’t convince you to stay with me, the boys and I can always find something else to do.” He suggested.

They were ready to throw away their futures for me, for all of us because that’s how tight our bond was. But they will later come to regret it, they loved nothing more than what they did now. They would learn to hate me later on and I couldn’t bear the thought of that. 

“No, I won’t let them mess with your future too.” Even though they already were.

“So then, this is where it ends…” The hurt and brokenness in his voice was almost too much to bare. “I guess it is… I wholeheartedly wish it wasn’t.” I would have done anything and everything for this not to happen.

Doyoung took my face in his hands and looked at me, almost as if to scan my every feature into his brain, knowing that today would be the last time he would look at me this close. 

“I love you Kim (Y/N), then, now and always. No matter what. And if you ever decide to change your mind, know you can always come back to me. There is no one I want in this world more than you.” He spoke softly before bringing his lips to mine. This kiss was bittersweet, full of love and also heartbreak.

The ride to campus was quiet and peaceful. We decided to drive together in my car and he would just get a ride back home from one of the boys. I was in no mood to drive so he offered too. The drive felt shorter than usual as he pulled up into our usual place.

Hendery and Ten stood there in front of their own cars, waiting for us. Doyoung and I looked each other before we got out, “This is it.”

The words hung in the air for a bit after I spoke them. He gave me a small smile, “It’s going to be okay. Come on, we have to talk to them.” He sighed as he gave my hand a small squeeze. Blinking away my tears, I agreed.

“Hey guys, how are you holding up?” Ten questioned bringing us into a hug, along with Hendery. “I can’t believe you guys knew he was going to propose and didn’t tell me anything, I thought you were my friends too.” I joked pulling away from the hug, trying to make the atmosphere even a little bit bearable.

Hendery and Ten looked so utterly confused. “You proposed?!” Hendery exclaimed, not believing what I had said. “And you said yes?” 

They took hold of my left hand and gasped when they saw the ring. Doyoung and I genuinely laughed at their reactions. “Okay, what the hell is going on?” Ten mumbled. “As far as we were concerned, there were different plans thrown at you?” They started to look a little hopeful and that put the weight of the world on my shoulders.

“Unfortunately the case remains the same. The love of my life will still marry that good for nothing bastard, who by the way, showed up at my house last night.” Doyoung answered, the bitter tone not going unnoticed by any of us at all. Watching their faces drop and the light in their eyes leave, is going to be something I will always remember. “Yeah, that’s that.” I sighed.

“I hate to be that person but … what’s going to happen between us four? Now that you guys aren’t together, are we parting ways? Are we choosing sides? Are we going with you? With you?” Hendery seemed a little frantic. Up until now, I don’t think any of us really thought about that.

“Nothing is going to happen between us. The four of us will still be the four of us. We are staying together. It’ll just be like old times, before we started dating. If of course, Doyoung wants that...” I suggested.

It felt awkward and ridiculous suggesting something as naive as that, as if we remembered what old times were like. We did spend a year and half as just friends but even then, we acted like more. We have always been more.

He forced a smile on his lips and looked at me, “Of course, nothing has to change between us, any of us. We are all still the same.”

We all shared a hug again and parted ways to reach our own classes.

This is the start of a new chapter in my life. One I didn’t want, one my parents are forcing me to have. I’m sure if they knew everything that happened between Yuta and me, they wouldn’t force this on us, on me. But the chances of me sharing that part of my life with them, was damn near impossible.

Walking into class, right away I locked eyes with Yuta. The cold and dark look still remained in his eyes, as if I could care at all about the way he felt. He didn’t object to this and of course he wouldn’t. Yuta wanted nothing more than to have the company, clearly no matter how he got it.

He sat where he did two days ago, so I sat in the front, feeling his heavy gaze burn a hole into my head.

_Buzz!_

I looked at my phone to see that it was a text from the devil. I ignored it, I had nothing to say to him now or ever.

_Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!_

Three more texts came in from him. I spun in my chair and looked at him. As I did, I showed him how I turned off my phone, not interested in anything he had to say. With an eye roll, I turned around and faced the board, just as the teacher walked in.

Throughout class, I felt his gaze on me. It was easier to ignore today. I wasn’t paying attention at all during the lecture, I just sat there looking at the ring. Soon it would be replaced by another one that will hold no meaning or value whatsoever.

Yuta didn’t try to talk to me after the lecture ended, considering how I bolted out of the class, but nonetheless I was thankful he didn’t chase me down either.

Soon, it was time for lunch. Assuming we’d meet at the café, I walked out to my car. On my way to the car though, I ran into Yuta and his little crew. I tried hard to walk past them but of course that was impossible.

“Where you going love?” Yuta mocked me wrapping his arm around my waist, as his friends watched amused. “Let me go.” I hissed, trying to remove his hand but his fingers dug deeper into my skin.

“Oh Yuta, we didn’t know you already hit it.” Jaehyun chuckled looking at my neck.

“All four of you can fuck off. Yuta I am serious let me go now.” I demanded struggling still. “Ah you see, those marks aren’t mine. They belong to the pathetic excuse of a boyfriend she _had_, right?” He tried to confirm, looking into my eyes.

“I wasn’t so pathetic last night when she was screaming my name.”

We both turned to see Doyoung and the boys behind us. Doyoung looked just as furious as Hendery and Ten.

“Ah look who showed up boys, the three little musketeers.” Yuta announced to his friends. He turned to me and smirked, holding my waist with both his hands now. “You know Doyoung, now that she’s my fiancé, I can do this.” He spoke to Doyoung but his eyes never left mine as he leaned in.

Our lips met and a flashback came back rushing to me. I was left paralyzed.

_“Ms. (L/N), how are you feeling?” The doctor asked as he looked over my chart. I had just woken up from the accident, my mind groggy trying to piece together what happened. One moment we were fine and then I wake up in a hospital bed with all these machines hooked up to me. _

_“I feel fine, just a little sore.” I answered, then the realization hit me. “Yuta. Where is Yuta doctor?” I asked worried and shaken up. _

_“He is well, he’s recovering. He has a small concussion but nothing to be worried about. His parents are with him right now. Yours are on the way.” He informed but he had a sadden expression on his face when he looked over at me. _

_“What is it doctor? Is something wrong with me?” I questioned feeling anxious. “The accident, it put a lot of stress on your body.” He started. I looked at him blankly, not understanding where he was getting at because I felt perfectly fine. _

_“I’m sorry Ms. (L/N) but there’s no easy way of saying this.” He paused, I took a deep breath preparing for the worst. _

_“You lost the baby.”_

_~Yuta felt something he hadn’t before, it felt like his brain tickled for a second when their lips met. ~_

Before I could even process anything that was happening, Yuta was being ripped off me and thrown to the ground by Doyoung. “Don’t you ever in your fucking life touch her again Nakamoto!” Doyoung screamed as he straddled Yuta’s waist and threw punches at his face, drawing blood from his lips.

They wrestled around on the ground fist flying around, the sound of skin hitting skin echoing around in my brain as I stood frozen. Yuta managed to get on top and threw hard blows to Doyoung’s face making his head hit the concrete every time, drawing blood from his nose and lip. Everything was moved in slow motion for me.

All the five boys who stood around reacted and separated them but it was too late. Doyoung laid on the floor unconscious with a bloody face. The circle that had formed has disbursed and it was just us now. When my body snapped back to action, I ran to Doyoung’s side. Teary eyed, I held his face before Hendery and Ten pulled me away so they could pick him up carefully.

Yuta stood behind us with Sicheng and Jaehyun holding him back. He was furious looking at me as I worried over Doyoung.

“Let’s take him to my car, I’ll take him home.” I instructed. We walked over to my car and they put him in the back seat. “You sure you can get him out on your own?” Hendery asked, closing the back door, where the love of my life laid.

“No but I’ll manage. I call you guys later.” I hugged them goodbye and got into my car, driving away from them, from Yuta, from everyone. 

My mind kept drifting to the flashback I had gotten when Yuta kissed me. It felt like eternity has passed since the last time I thought about that day. I tried so hard for years to forget about it. It was the most heartbroken I had ever been. I was forced to go through it alone because Yuta couldn’t remember me, not the way I remembered him.

No one knew about us. It was just him and me. And then the accident happened and our memories were erased from him. Then it was just me who knew.

I lost two things that day and one of them, I didn’t even know existed.

I pulled up outside of Doyoung’s house and got out the car. I stopped when I saw Yuta’s car pull up behind me. He looked enraged to his core, blood drying at the corner of his lip, a busted lip and purples and blues were painted under his left eye, he looked almost scary.

My eyes welled up with tears at the sight of him. Seeing him right now was torture as my heart was going through that terrible memory again.

“Go away Yuta.” I firmly said despite feeling like I was going to break down any moment now. I started opening the back door to get Doyoung out, who was still unconscious. He didn’t weigh much but right now he was too heavy for me carry on my own, I wished I hadn’t rejected the guys help. Yuta groaned behind me and pulled me away from the car before he went to get Doyoung out of the car.

In silence, we walked up to the door and I pulled out my keys to open the door. “You have the key to his house?” Yuta wondered walking in, Doyoung being held up by his body. I didn’t answer and just showed him the way to the bedroom. Once inside, Yuta laid him on the bed. I left to get a wet rag to clean him up a little.

“You can leave now. I don’t want you here and he especially wouldn’t want you in his house.” I snapped at Yuta once I walked back into the room, noticing he was still here looking around the floor seeing our clothes scattered from last night. He took a heavy breath to calm himself before he looked at me. Eyes still as dark and cold as they could ever be. “We need to talk.”

“There is absolutely nothing you and I need to talk about. I want you to get out.” I demanded as I walked over to my unconscious boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, and started cleaning the drying blood at the coroner of his lip.

“It wasn’t a fucking option (Y/N).” Yuta stated yanking me up by the arm and took me to living room. “What the hell is the matter with you? Let me go you fucking asshole. You’re hurting me.” I shouted as I hit his hand to let me go.

“What do you think you’re doing, walking around with a fucking ring on your finger that doesn’t belong to me? Walking around showing off your hickeys like some kind of fucking whore. Walking around like you don’t belong to me now?” He questioned me, the pure raw anger in his tone made me flinch in his grip.

I have never seen Yuta like this. But the frustration of everything that was going on right now clouded my mind in fury.

“You think you’re some big shot, don’t you Yuta? You think you can own me just because our parents forced this stupid marriage on us?! Well no! At the end of the fucking day, I belong to one man! And that is Kim Doyoung. Someone you will never be!” I answered back, my voice raised.

His grip on my arm tightened more, there was sure to be a bruise in the shape of his hand there tomorrow. He laughed before he spoke. “Believe me princess, I’m not happy about this marriage either but I am not losing a company I have put a lot of work into because of you. And don’t kid yourself, you wish Doyoung was at least half the man I am.” He retorted. 

“Doyoung has always and will always be so much more than then pathetic excuse of man you call yourself Nakamoto.”

_Smack! _

The sound of the slap echoed in the living room. It didn’t register in my head what just happened as the sting took over my right cheek, tears forming on my waterline. Heat radiated off cheek as I brought my hand up to hold it.

“I want you back in your home tonight (Y/N). I’ll come back here and drag you there kicking and screaming if I have too.” He warned me.

I watched him slam the door shut as he left. 


	6. Chapter Five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of miscarriage and a panic attack. 
> 
> Home isn't a place. It's a person. And I was leaving home.
> 
> Enjoy!

When it finally registered in my brain what happened with Yuta, I just sat and starred at the front door. No one has ever put a hand on me, not even my parents. I didn’t know what to say or do or even react.

Before I went back to Doyoung, I went to the bathroom to check my face, a small bruise was being shaped at the top of my cheekbone in the form of four fingertips.

With caution I walked over to Doyoung, who laid limp in bed still. Most of the blood was gone from his lip and top of his eyebrow. I wonder what was going through his head right now. I sighed and got my phone out, I opened up my chat with the boys to let them know how Doyoung was doing.

[Me to My Sons]: We’re home, Doyoung is still out cold. Also Yuta followed me here.

[Chitapurr]: Why did Yuta go?

[Donkey]: Did he do anything to you?

[Me]: He wanted to talk, he helped me get Doyoung inside because I couldn’t alone. I wish I had taken you guys up on coming with me. Would have avoided what happened. 

[Donkey]: You’re making me worry. What happened?

[Chitapurr]: Who do I have to kill?

[Me]: No one Ten, no one. And the conversation didn’t happen, instead we argued, he yelled, I yelled. He slapped me and then he left.

[Chitapurr]: The fact that you say it so nonchalantly makes me angry. Are you okay?

[Donkey]: And you don’t expect Ten to kill someone after you said that?!

[Me]: Please guys, don’t do anything, just let it be. I can’t handle any more than I am right now. Please I am begging you.

[Me]: And yeah, I’m fine. I to be honest, didn’t even register it until like five minutes after he left. I am fine.

[Chitapurr]: F I N E! But I am not okay with this AT ALL! He puts his hands on you or Doyoung again, I’m going to kill him.

[Donkey]: I agree with Ten. We’ll let it slide this time B U T never again (Y/N). We mean it.

[Me]: He’s waking up guys, talk to you later.

[Me]: Love you guys so much, really and truly.

A groan left his lips as he tried to sit but failed in doing so, so he laid down again. I put my phone down and walked over to him. “Hey, don’t strain yourself.” I spoke softly, noticing he didn’t realize I was here. His eyes shot up and he turned his head in the direction my voice came from.

“You’re here.”

“Wouldn’t be anywhere else but here.” I smiled warmly as I reached my hand out to help him sit up. Pulling him up carefully in case his head still hurt. “How are you feeling?” I quizzed, handing him the glass of water I had brought over earlier.

“Like shit, my head-” He stopped and starred at my face. Fuck! I forgot to cover the damn bruise on my face. “What happened? Who did this?” he fumed reaching for my cheek, the light touch made me wince and jerk back a little. “Nothing, it’s not a big-“

“Don’t bullshit me, what happened?” He interrupted. I pulled away from him for a moment before I looked at him. This is going to start more problems than there were already. “I’ll tell you but you have to promise me, but really promise and mean it that you won’t do anything please.” I begged. He gave me a hard look but nodded.

“Yuta-” I didn’t even get to start before he got up, huffing. “Of fucking course this was Yuta. What did he do? Actually don’t even tell me. I’m going to kill him.” He raged. I just kind of looked at him for a second, he went through a whole beating and yet he still somehow managed to only worry about me, I smiled at him fondly, even if he was ranting on about wanting to murder Yuta.

“Baby, come on. You promised you wouldn’t do anything.” I reminded him. “I know but still! He put his hands on you!” He complained back. There was no use trying to reason with him but I just can’t have any more problems.

“I know but I’m fine, please, just drop it, I don’t want any more problems please.” I tried to reason with him. “Fine. But if this happens again and for his sake, it better not, I’m going to kill him.” He threatened, just like Hendery and Ten. I was going to miss this so much, the thought of not having this in my life every day like I’m used to hurt so much.

The hours seemed to pass us by as we talked, cried and laughed. Reminiscing about the last four years we spent together. It was all pure magic, nothing ever felt like this did. And now it’s over. It has to be for their future.

It was decided it was time for me to leave his home, my home. I couldn’t cry leaving because if I did, I would never leave. We walked to the door, hand in hand. The air was gloomy and sad. We stopped right in front and looked at each other.

“Well my love, this is where it sadly has to end.” Doyoung spoke so softly, I almost didn’t hear him. “Stop, don’t do that, you’re going to make cry again.” I whispered, feeling the tears want to come up. He pulled me into a long tight hug.

“I love you so much, more than anything, okay? Know you can always come to me. No matter what.”

“I love you so much too, more than anything.”

He opened the door and I stepped out. Something in me wasn’t letting me take that step down the stairs. I turned to him, his watery eyes, meeting mine. I threw myself at him engulfing him in a huge hug, our lips meeting, teeth clashing together at the sheer force of wanting our bodies to be so close together, we could morph into one. 

“I just needed to do that one more time.” I muttered into his neck. He hugged me tight once more before he said words that ripped my heart out of my chest. It becoming almost unbearable to even keep my tears in.

“You need to go (Y/N). You’ll have someone else waiting for you now.”

It killed him to have said those words as much it did me to hear them but he had to be harsh in order to get me to leave because if he didn’t, I wouldn’t hesitate to stay.

I got into my car and drove away. In the review mirror, I saw him weep into his hands as he watched me drive away, to the new person that was waiting for me.

Home isn’t a place. It is a person. And I was leaving home.

Parked two houses down my house, I sat in my car, finally having a well-deserved break down. My sobbing was so unbelievably painful and heavy, I could barely catch my breath. I probably sat in there for thirty minutes, crying and sobbing till it physically hurt. I looked at myself in the mirror, eyes red puffy and swollen. Gathered the bits of my broken self as much I could before walking into my home.

Once I walked in, I saw my parents sitting in the living room, watching television. For the past two days, I have ignored all their calls and text, not wanting anything to do with them. However now I had no choice, as I live with them, for now apparently, until I move in with Yuta.

“Oh my god! There you are! Where have you been? What happened to you?” my mother questioned rushing over to me, once she saw me walk in.

I gave her a deadpanned look, “I was with Doyoung.” My monotone voice made her retreat her hand that was going to caress my face. Her eyes flashed of hurt. But I was too hurt too really care how my tone hurt her.

“Who hit you?” My dad questioned taking my face in is hand to see my bruise better, now that it finally settled, it was more noticeable and purple. “Did Doyoung do this to you honey?”

I moved away from them. “He never has and he never will.”

“Anyways, I’m home now and have ended things with Doyoung. Are you happy now?” I bitterly asked.

My parents looked at each other and then me. “We’re just glad you’re home. I know this is hard for you but please, next time a simple text would help. We were so worried for you, we even had to ask Yuta to go to Doyoung’s house to see if you were there.” The worry in my dad’s voice almost made me feel sorry but then the mention of his name made everything feel bitter again.

I simply nodded and walked away to my room. I just didn’t have it in me to really care or process anything. Before I walked into my room, my mom yelled for me. Walking away from the door and closer to the stairs so I could hear her better. “We put boxes in your room, you need to start packing, you’re moving on Saturday.” I didn’t bother answering her.

This has got to be the second worst week of my life. Honestly, what the fuck? Walking into my room, I just dropped to the floor in tears. I didn’t even make it to my bed before I broke down again. This was entirely too much for me to handle. I sobbed and sobbed till it hurt again and even then I kept crying. I mustered enough energy to crawl into bed, where I cried myself to sleep.

_“Your baby didn’t make it.” The doctor spoke. “I’m sorry, what baby doctor?” I stammered, not understanding what was happening, one too many emotions started to fill me at once. I was becoming overwhelmed. _

_“You were three weeks pregnant…” the doctor looked at me and I think he finally understood what was going on by the look on my face. “You didn’t know… I’m sorry this is how you had to find out Ms. (L/N).” He apologized. “I’ll give you a moment to process this.” _

_Before he made his way out the door, I called for him. “Please do not mention the pregnancy to my parents please doctor, I beg of you.” I pleaded. He gave me a sympathetic look before agreeing not to tell them. _

_Once the door closed, I cradled my stomach, not understanding how this happened. I was pregnant and I didn’t even know it. _

_I lost my baby. I lost a piece of myself and Yuta. _

_~I didn’t know that I had lost Yuta too, at least not yet. ~_

I woke up panting, covered in sweat and breathless, my hands flew to my stomach immediately. There was nothing there. Nothing at all. My heart sunk to the pit of my stomach at the realization that the dreams were going to start happening again.

After the accident and having to deal with Yuta not remembering me, the nightmares started. I would scream and cry in my sleep, often so much, some nights I would end up in my parent’s bed, claiming I didn’t remember what it was about but that it just felt terrible. It was always the same thing, the same feeling. 

It lasted for months, my parents even went as far as to get me to see a therapist even if it was considered taboo but I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to bring this out into the real world, I wanted this to stay with me forever, only me.

The baby, the summer before the accident, the story that transpired between Yuta and me. It was the only thing I had left of the Yuta Nakamoto I _knew_ and _loved_.

Even though we had promised that things were going to stay the same between the four of us, it was hard to maintain that promise when Doyoung stopped coming to school for the remainder of the week.

He wouldn’t answer any of my calls or texts, barely answered the boys. The thought of going to his house to check on him had occurred to me but I knew that going would make things worse for all of us so I refrained from doing so.

I haven’t spoken to Yuta since the slap and he hasn’t made the effort to talk to me either. According to my parents, he was the worried fiancé, making sure I was home the day I came back, as if he hadn’t threatened me to come back or put his hands on me. Disgusting really.

Now it was moving day. I had managed to find time to pack my things despite everything around me going to hell. I wasn’t happy at all and my parents were well aware of it as I had stopped spending time with them and locking myself away in my room whenever I was home.

I barely spoke more than five words to them now. They brushed me off as according to them and Yuta’s parents, it’s what’s best for business. Whatever, all of them can take that bullshit excuse up their asses for all I cared.

Three knocks came from my closed door as I starred at my, now empty room. My once picture covered walls were stripped and naked. My desk empty and ready to be taken with me, my closet empty of all its clothes. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel as empty inside right now.

Upon opening my door, I saw the only two people I could care for right now, Hendery and Ten. “Hey.” I greeted softly. They looked at me with the same sad eyes I had seen all week long.

“How you holding up?” Ten worried as they walked in and closed the door. They were here to help me move the boxes out of here and into my new “home.”

“Okay, I guess. Have you heard from Doyoung?” There was no way I wasn’t going to ask, they knew that. I looked at their faces, as they exchanged worried glances hesitating to answer me.

“What? What happened? Did something happen to him? Answer me.”

“Take a seat (Y/N).” Hendery started looking over at Ten, who slowly nodded. “There’s no easy way to tell you this.” Panic was starting to settle in my veins, my breathing started to pick up quick. “He, well, um.” Hendery paused looking for the right words to say.

“Ten, what happened?” I panicked.

“He slept with someone else. We found her in his house this morning, when we went to see how he was doing.” Ten blurted out, his eyes opening wide when he realized what he said.

The only string that was holding me together, snapped in two. Tears fell fast, the anxiety of everything finally crushed my sanity. Everything was spinning, my breathing elevated way too fast, my chest tighten, and the heat rushed all over my body. My hands were shaking and the tingly feeling traveled to my face and legs.

“Oh my god, (Y/N), what’s happening?” Hendery panicked rushing over to me but I pushed him away, I needed air. “Panic attack.” I could hardly even pant out. Teary eyed, I ran to my door and made my way outside. The fresh air filled my lungs but my panting was still very much heavy.

I hunched over, trying to control my breathing. Tears were running down my cheeks. This was far too much for me to handle. The tingly feeling started to fade and my hands started to unclench.

As I started to settle down, feeling all too lightheaded, I felt a hand on my shoulder and I jolted away from it. I turned and saw it was Yuta, who wore a worried and confused expression. Oh god.

“Get away from her.” I heard Ten yell at him as he walked over to be a barrier between us two, making Yuta back up. “Don’t ever in your life come near her again.”

“Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do?” Yuta poked Ten’s chest hard enough to push him back a foot. Ten pushed his hand off and pushed him back. “Don’t provoke me Nakamoto. Because I will drop kick you right here right now. You already have an ass kicking pending for putting your hands on her.”

Yuta took one step forward to stand right in front of him. Just as he was about to say something, Jaehyun and Sicheng came out of Yuta's house. “What’s going on here?” Sicheng asked walking over to pull Yuta back from Ten.

“Nothing. Just wasting breath on these losers. Let’s finish putting the boxes in the truck.” Yuta ordered looking past them and at me before he walked away. 

“Are you okay enough to go back inside (Y/N)?” Hendery cautioned not wanting to come to close to me again, in case it ticked me off. I gave him a small nod but I felt way too weak so I reached out my hand for him to hold. He took it and led the way back into my home and to my room.

Soon after, Ten came back up as well. An angry and yet worried expression evident on his face. “Are you okay?” He asked, walking over to me and brushing a hair away from my face.

“No. I just… this isn’t what was supposed to happen. He was never meant to be with anyone else. I was never meant to be marry someone else. We were supposed to be together!” I yelled, bursting into tears.

“I don’t know what to say honey, we’re so sorry. Maybe it’ll take a long time before things seem okay, but we’ll be here with you, every step of the way, I promise.” Hendery tried to reassure me.

My heart soared with his reassurance and I was forever grateful for that. I loved the both with my whole heart. Nothing could ever change that or take away from that.

“I love you guys so much. I’ll never have enough words to explain just how much I do.”

Someone came knocking on my door, interrupting our moment. Ten walked over to open it, it was my parents. They said something and he nodded. They left and closed the door. He turned to me and gave me a weak and sympathetic smile.

It was time.

In the matter of one week, I was being ripped away from two homes. One I had known my whole life. The other, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, to love forever and create a future with.

Here was the start of something new. A new home. A new life. A new person to call home.


	7. Chapter Six.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been eight years and his taste is still the same. 
> 
> Enjoy!

The truck was fully loaded now with Yuta and I’s things. I watched as it drove away, in destination to our new home. The thought alone made me sick and nauseous. How much I hated this. How much I hated our parents for forcing this on us. How much I hated Yuta, just for being himself.

Yuta and I walked over to his parents first, to say goodbye. His arm around my waist made me want to punch him in the neck, but I tried so hard to refrain from doing so. I knew the boys were too. Who was trying harder? Now that was up for debate.

His mother looked at me and then the fading bruise on my face which her own son had caused. “Oh my dear, you ought to be more careful.” She advised caressing my face. I felt Yuta’s fingers dig a little deeper into my waist, as if to warn me to not say anything. I just gave her a tight lip smile and nodded.

“Yuta now you take good care of her and make sure nothing happens to her, she’s a good girl.” Mr. Nakamoto instructed to his son with a genuine smile. His smile and eyes held hope for the future but I knew better than to think anything good could ever come from this.

“Of course dad. I’ll take care of her and protect her always.” He lied, I’m sure. I simply rolled my eyes and looked away, not really caring if his parents saw my eye roll or not. After the goodbye hugs given to us by his parents, we walked over to my parents.

“Yuta please do take care of her and her treat her well.” My mother practically pleaded of him as if I was willingly leaving to start a life with him. “Of course, like I told my parents. I’ll take care of her and protect her always.” Yuta answered as I rolled my eyes again at how easily he could lie to both our parents.

I really had nothing but rage and hatred running through my veins right now.

How everyone is acting like this isn’t being forced on us, is truly beyond me. Like this isn’t a fucking obligation. Like either of us had some kind of fucking say in this! How could they sit here and act like this was truly based off love?

My parents looked as if they were about to say something else so I cut them off.

“I’m leaving now.”

I removed Yuta’s hand from my waist and walked over to my boys who were waiting with open arms for me. “Please let’s go. I really don’t know how much more I can be here before I combust.” They nodded and we walked over to my car.

Ten took the keys from me and got into the driver’s seat, knowing I wasn’t capable of driving straight right now. Hendery and I got into the back seat, I laid my head on his lap and curled myself into a ball. Ten put in the direction into the GPS and started the travel. The drive was quiet and comfortable, trying my best not to doze off as Hendery ran his fingers through my hair, soothing any emotions that would come up to strongly.

“We’re here.” Ten announced as he parked in front of the house. The moving truck was parked in the drive way filled with out things still. We sat in the car and waited till they finished.

Soon enough Yuta and his crew showed up, taking care of whatever the movers needed and helped them as well but since I truly couldn’t be bothered, I laid back down onto Hendery. Everything from earlier was running through my mind and I couldn’t help but ask.

“Was she pretty? Prettier than me?”

My cat like friend turned around in the seat aggressively looking at me as if I had six heads. “Are you crazy? Please we all know, Doyoung could never do better than you. To even think something like that should be a crime.”

Ten has always been so extra and dramatic, his obvious attempt to try to make me feel better didn’t go unnoticed as I gave him a smile and a small chuckle, “You’re right.”

The cheerful moment was gone when someone knocked on the back door window, I looked over to see Sicheng. “What?” I asked annoyed, rolling down the window a little so we could hear each other.

“The movers are done, Yuta told me to tell you that you could go in now.” He sassed, as if it would have killed him to not be a piece of shit.

I groaned and got up, making sure to hit him with the door when I opened it, not too hard but enough for it to make him glare at me. Fully looking at the house now, it was small and beautiful. The outside gave a very warm and cozy vibe to it and I hated it, knowing that the inside would never be like that.

Walking in, the stairs were to the left in front of the door. On the right was an immaculate living room, already furnished in ivory colored couches. A medium height wooden coffee table was placed in the center facing the fire place that will probably never be used because it never was at my house. And on top of course the big flat screen television.

Past the stairs, to the left was the kitchen which I fell in love with. A marble island in the middle, big windows that showed the neighbor’s house, next to the fridge was the door that lead to the backyard, and the counters matched the island, it was truly beautiful. Connected to the kitchen was the dining room, a table for six was placed right in the middle, like anyone would use this.

A bathroom, without a shower, was at the end of the hallway to right. Across from that was an office space but seemed more like a library. It already had some books on the shelves. Thankfully it seemed as my parents picked the books because some of my favorites were there.

Hopefully Yuta stopped reading as much as he did back in day so that I could be the only one to use it. 

Going up the stairs, right away you were brought to two doors, one on either side. One was the master bedroom and the other was a guest room. Down the hall was another bedroom and a full size bathroom across it. Feeling thankful they decided to get us a house with more than one bedroom.

The master bedroom was big and spacious, much like the others it had a walk in closet. But this one had the en suite, so I was very persistent on wanting to get it.

“Wow, your guys parents really went all out for you guys, shit.” Ten marveled as he took in the sight of the master bedroom. A small chuckle left me at his comment. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Are you taking this room or are we sharing?” Yuta smirked as he leaned on the door frame, starling me as I wasn’t aware that he had been there.

“I mean this with all my heart Yuta, you can fuck off and leave me alone. But yes, I am taking this room.” I declared watching his face turn hard at my words. He glared for a split second then turned on his heels to go into the room across from mine.

“He really irks every nerve in my body. I just don’t understand how.” Ten commented watching the empty doorway. His gaze coming back to Hendery and me. 

“Same here, always ready to smack the shit out of him to be honest. But anyways, let’s go get the boxes.” Hendery instructed making way to the door. Ten and I looked at each other and laughed before following him out.

We occasionally bumped into the other three boys that were also here, none of them speaking to me of course. They shared some words with Hendery and Ten, in a friendly nature despite the situation that we were all in. But I could tell that Hendery and Ten felt a little weary of them right now considering they knew about all of this and toyed with them.

Not caring for their conversation, I continued moving my boxes. I carried the lightest ones seeing as I didn’t have much energy left after my panic attack.

Upon entering my bedroom, I noticed Yuta sitting on the bed. “Can I help you? Why are you in my room?” I questioned annoyed at the fact that he was in here already invading the little space I had. I placed the box down and looked at him waiting for an answer.

“We need to have a conversation after our guest leave.” He firmly told me. Before I could protest, he spoke again, “It’s not up for debate.”

I sighed and slumped my shoulders, “Okay.”

Finally all the boxes were sorted in my room, now all I needed to do was unpack but I would save that for tomorrow, for I had no more energy for anything at all whatsoever. And definitely not for a conversation with Yuta.

After spending the whole day with me and helping me move, I was finally walking the boys to the door. Both of them engulfing me in a huge hug, letting me know that everything will work itself out and that if I needed anything, anything at all to call them and they will come over at the speed of light. My heart was really beyond grateful for them, no words could ever explain it really.

Once the door closed, the air felt much darker and thicker. I turned to face the living room where the other four boys sat, just staring at me. I rolled my eyes and went to the kitchen. I hated this. Being in the house with Yuta was more than enough, I don’t understand why the other three insisted on being here.

It wasn’t long after I entered the kitchen that I heard the front door open and close. Hopefully for me, all four of them left. Leaning forward on the counter, I stared out the window taking in the night, watching as the wind blew through the trees. The old leafs cascading onto the floor below.

I’m sure on the nights I wouldn’t be able to sleep I would be out in the backyard. The way I did before when sleep was something unknown to me because of the nightmares.

The only bright side to this nightmare so far was that I had found places to hide away from my reality. The library and the backyard. 

“(Y/N).”

Yuta’s voice rumbled in the quiet that surrounded me, causing me to jump. I turned and saw him standing right behind me, how long had he been standing there? I’m not sure. I avoided his eyes, keeping my eyes trained on his chest and hummed in response.

He scoffed at the avoidance of eye contact, taking my chin into his hand and lifting my face to meet his eyes. My breath hitched as our eyes met. He looked at me hard for a moment before he turned my face to the left so he could see the barely there bruise he marked onto my skin.

“Are you done acting like a bitch?” Yuta snapped at me dropping his hand from my face. Now it was my turn to scoff, “Excuse me?”

“You heard me, are you done being a bitch?” He repeated.

“Towards you, I will never be Yuta. I hate you. You ruined my life. Because you didn’t fight this, I was ripped away from the only two homes I had ever known my whole life! Because of you I have to live in this stupid house with you. Because of you, I had to give up the person I wanted to marry to fucking marry you! So to answer your fucking question, no I’m not done being a bitch and I never will be!” I shouted, the tears making their way back to my eyes.

He leaned into me and caged me in between him and the counter. I leaned away from his face, not wanting to make that kind of contact with him again, scared that it could trigger more painful flash backs for me.

Yuta didn’t say anything for a moment, I could tell he was trying to control the anger that was burning through him. He didn’t know how I did it every time, managing to get under his skin the way I did. His once honey brown eyes turned black when he focused on me again.

“I’m going to tell you this once. Learn to respect me, when we’re alone and especially in front of other people. That little commentary you pulled with your friends earlier, is the first and last time you address me like that.” He started, the harshness in his tone made goosebumps rise on my skin and a chill go down my spine. “That ring better be off your finger after tonight. And I forbid you from seeing that bunny boy again. You are not to step foot into his house again. Do you understand me?”

His eyes remained unfazed as they stared into mine, which have blurred him out as the tears were threatening to fall.

I was at a loss for words, I had nothing. I really had nothing. Once he realized that I wasn’t going to speak, he took the chance to add one more thing.

“Don’t test my patience (Y/N). I am capable of so much more than you think.”

Without warning, one hand wrapped around my waist pulling me into his body and the other behind my neck, making our lips crash against each other. The moment my eyes closed, the warmth of my tears trailed down my cheeks. He held me flush against his body as he forced our lips together.

In my moment of shock, he took the opportunity to slide his tongue into my mouth, exploring the inside like it was a candy he’s never had before. I tried to push him away but he wouldn’t let me, his strength so much more evident than mine.

Yuta’s hands moved from the place they rested to hold my face, his thumbs wiping away the tears that fell as he continued the attack on my lips. My body weak as the nostalgia started to wash over me. It has been years since I have felt him this close to me.

It’s been so long since I have felt his lips move against mine the way they are right now. It was far too much for my body to handle but I had no strength to push him away. More tears broke free remembering the taste of his lips.

It’s been eight years and his taste was still the same.

The need for air finally got to him forcing him to pull away from my lips. His eyes were almost back to their honey color with a tint of darkness still lingering in them. He caressed my face once more before dropping his hands to his side. 

“Starting Monday, we are going public with our relationship.” Yuta looked down at my lips and then walked out of the kitchen. 

_~Yuta felt that little tickle in his brain again. Confusing it for thinking that he could start to feel something for her, the person he once called his best friend, the person who left him hanging without reason. He ignored it and pushed it away, not thinking about what he did that caused that tickle, **twice**. ~ _

Sitting on my bed, door locked and music blasting to ignore the outside world beyond these four walls, I stared at the floor. It’s Sunday afternoon and I haven’t slept at all since yesterday morning. I don’t know how anyone could after everything I had to endure in just one week.

With much sorrow, I did as Yuta asked, or more like threatened me to do and took the ring off. He never said I couldn’t wear it around my neck though, so that’s what I did. I took a pendant off one of my necklaces and placed the ring on it. At least this way, it’s still with me.

Unpacking my boxes, I stumbled onto one I had kept in the back of my closet for so many years, it was marked ‘don’t open.’ Curious as to what I had hidden away in there, I opened it, regretting it right away.

It was filled with memories that I had shared with Yuta. From messy post it notes, to embarrassing love letters, small trinkets and a sweater. There was one more thing in the box that opened the door of all memories.

A condom wrapper. I turned it over and it had a small post it note tapped to it, three words in a faded black ink. ‘Our first time.’

_Yuta and I were sitting in my living room, watching a movie together like we did mostly every day after school, either at his house or mine. My head laid on his lap as his fingers ran through my hair mindlessly. _

_“You’re still a virgin right?” Yuta shamelessly and suddenly asked. “Yuta, you can’t ask questions like that, have you no shame?” I scolded feigning innocence with a giggle following right after. _

_“Oh please, save me the pure act (Y/N), we both know you’re the farthest thing from that. Now answer my question.” He insisted. “Yes I am. Why, are you?” I asked curious to know, sitting up to face him. _

_He looked at me and nodded, his ears burning a bright pink. I let out a loud laugh. “Oh the great Yuta, that carries himself like a god, is still a virgin!” I teased._

_He looked over at me amused at how I joked of the situation, the adoration he had towards me so evident in his eyes, making me laugh louder with a blush creeping up to my cheeks. _

_We both knew there were unspoken feelings between us. But we weren’t sure if we wanted to take that step further and risk the friendship we had now. _

_Yuta’s smile turned into a smirk and a whole new kind of spark shined in his eyes. One I had never seen before. I stopped laughing as I noticed, “What?”_

_“Have sex with me. Let’s lose it to each other.” _

Such a vivid memory hit me as I held the wrapper in my hand. Yuta in those days, he was something else. There was never a day he couldn’t make better, a moment he couldn’t make brighter, a smile he couldn’t make wider.

How ironic that the Yuta now, did the opposite of everything he used to do for me back then.

_Knock! Knock! _

Startled, I threw everything back in the box and hid it away deep into the back of my closet, never wanting anyone else to find it, barely wanting to remember that it was there myself.

Walking to the door and unlocking it, I took a deep breath before opening it. “Why is your door locked?” Yuta questioned me right away. “Are you my dad? Why do you care?” I remarked.

“What do you need Yuta?” I asked walking away from the door and continuing to move around my boxes, not wanting to have to look at him as the details of our first time ran through my head the moment I saw him.

He stepped into my room and leaned against my desk, just staring at me. I could feel his eyes on my body as I moved around. Feeling overly exposed in my skimpy pajamas. I cleared my throat and he snapped out of whatever thoughts were running wild in his mind.

“I just came to inform you that, the company is hosting a party this weekend to celebrate the success it’s been having lately.”

“Great, okay. I’m assuming that we will be going together?” I sighed, in no mood whatsoever to celebrate anything, especially not the success of a company that ruined my life.

“Of course princess. I’m your one and only now.” He mocked satisfied as he looked at my hand, no longer seeing the ring that hid away inside my shirt, away from his eyes. 


	8. Chapter Seven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You meet a new Character!  
One of my favorites!  
Enjoy!

The following morning, I finished getting ready and was in the kitchen having breakfast before leaving for the day. It was quiet and peaceful, until he came in. “When are you leaving?” I heard behind me.

“Right now actually.” I got up and left my plate in the sink. I turned to face him, “What Yuta? Stop staring at me.” I was starting to get annoyed at how often he just stared at me without saying anything. It pissed me off and he knew that, considering he gets the same reaction every time he does it.

“You know why I’m staring. It’s Monday.” He reminded me. A heavy sigh left my lips and the tears welled up on my waterline again, my hands coming to cover my face. “Please Yuta, don’t do this to me. I can’t, it’s too much.” I begged, my voice breaking a little.

He walked over to me and removed my hands from my face, holding them by the wrist, a little too tight. Yuta looked into my watery eyes, maintaining the cold expression that never seemed to be anything else but.

“You don’t have a choice. You’re doing what I say and that’s it.” He declared. “You’re going to be leaving with me from now on, coming and going. No if’s and’s or but’s.”

The tears I tried hard to keep inside spilled when I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, this is really too much for me to handle. Things just keep getting worse and worse. If it wasn’t for Yuta being in my face right now, I would have broken down again.

“We’re going to be late.” I mumbled pulling my wrist from him to wipe the tears that stained my cheeks, thankfully he let go without a fight.

We walked out to his car, not wanting to be closer to him than I needed or wanted to be, I got into the backseat. He didn’t say anything and just let me be. He drove with the occasional look through the rearview mirror. I looked out the window, letting the thoughts of Doyoung consume me.

To say that I was devastated after knowing what he did would be an understatement. I understood that he is going through a lot too and that is just as hard on him as it is on me. But still, I couldn’t understand why it just had to be that, which he chose to relieve himself with. Like he couldn’t have chosen something else, literally anything else. Instead he chose the most intimate thing possible. Something that had only been ours for four years.

I let out a deep sigh and rested my head against the window, it was cloudy and drizzling. How fitting the weather is today. The drive was just a tad longer since we have moved. Unlike the last four years, Yuta turned to his side of the parking lot, leaving my side and my friends, behind. As we turned, I saw Hendery and Ten standing in the usual place looking out for my car. Just in time, my phone buzzed. It was from Ten.

[Chitapurr]: Are you not coming today?

[Me]: I am but …

[Chitapurr]: But what?

[Me]: Unfortunately, we go public today so I had to ride with him, I just got onto campus grounds. I’ll see you and Hendery for lunch, okay?

[Me]: Is Doyoung here?

[Chitapurr]: Oh god, I know this is so hard for you, I am so sorry. We both are.

[Chitapurr]: Ummmmm…. He’s here but like not here with us… This isn’t how we wanted you to find out…

[Me]: Ten, what’s going on?

[Chitapurr]: I’m so sorry

Yuta parked and got out of the car, coming to my side to open the door for me. “Come on princess.” He stuck out his hand for me to take a hold off. “You’re a class act Nakamoto.” I rolled my eyes getting out of the car ignoring his hand.

Once I was out, he threw his hand over my shoulder and pulled me to him. I tensed and fought the urge to push him off me.

We had a few more minutes before classes started so he walked over to his friends, his arm wrapped around me like I was some kind of trophy. “Yuta, you bring the misses with you.” Taeyong joked as he high fived Jaehyun.

“Yeah, thought it was about time.” He nuzzled into the side of my face. I rolled my eyes and looked away and that’s when I saw it.

My already barely holding on broken heart, detached from my ribs and fell to the bottomless pit that was my stomach. My whole body tensed and my eyes watered. Yuta and his friends took notice and followed my gaze.

Doyoung and some girl, were leaning against his car, heavily invested in a hot make out session. His arms wrapped around her waist, grabbing a hold of her ass as he pulled her impossibly close to him. They pulled away and his eyes found mine. She planted kisses on his lips and he returned them, his eyes never leaving mine.

“Guess you never meant anything to him princess.”

Yuta’s words rang loud and clear in my head as the anger and rage coursed through me and clouded my better judgment. Not thinking straight of the consequences that would come from my actions, I pushed him off me and looked him dead in the eyes before my hand came up to his face, causing a loud _smack!_ to echo in air.

Gasps filled the already tense air as everyone looked at us. Doyoung pushed the girl off and looked alert as we made eye contact again. I forced my eyes away from him and looked at Yuta, who was fuming as the red mark was evident on his face. Nothing would come out of my mouth so I just turned and ran away.

Hearing my name be shouted by him only fueled me to run faster. Where I was going, I have no idea, I just needed to be far away from here as possible.

As I ran, I crashed shoulder first into someone and was knocked down. “I’m so sorry, are you okay?” They asked as they helped me up. I looked at them through blurry eyes and saw it was Lucas, a year or two under me. I haven’t really spoken more than a hello to him since last year when we shared a class together.

“(Y/N), right? Are you okay?”

Crying harder at his question, he pulled me into a tight hug, that I’m sure if I wasn’t so broken, could have pieced me together again. “Hey, it’s okay. Let it out. I got you. Let’s get out of here, yeah?” He patted my back softly. I nodded and let him take me to his car where he helped in before he got into the driver’s seat.

Stranger or not, I needed to get out of here. 

Lucas drove around aimlessly for a while until I calmed down enough to speak. “Where do you want to go?” He questioned as he pulled over and placed his hand on my shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. I gave him a sad smile, “Anywhere but where I live or campus.”

“I know the perfect place then.” He sang and started driving. The drive was quiet but not uncomfortable, he had music playing in the background quietly. I could tell he wanted to ask why he found me in the state I was in but held back from doing so until I was comfortable enough to bring it up myself first.

At first I didn’t know where we were but then I saw the trees I had seen a million times, we were at the park, I guess this was the perfect place. He parked and we both got out. The air felt much fresher and more welcoming here.

“The park, this is a good place.” I noted, looking around not seeing many people here. “Oh no, this isn’t it, come follow me.” Lucas guided me into a path, a little weary I followed him.

“Alright but if I end up getting murdered or kidnapped, it’s on you Lu.” I joked, taking in the path before us. He chuckled and kept walking. After a few turns and one hidden path way, we had arrived.

The sight before me was truly breath taking. A medium sized pond with a few lily pads thrown in it, laid in the middle of a big empty field. Flower bushes were all around the area and picnic tables were scattered around. The sight was beautiful, leaving me speechless for a moment.

“Wow, this place is amazing.”

I didn’t notice how Lucas smiled at me, taking the time to admire how big my smile was and the way my eyes softened at the sight, as if I wasn’t the same person he saw a few minutes ago.

“I’m glad you like it, I don’t bring just anyone here so enjoy it while you can.” He chuckled, scratching the back of his neck. His statement made me blush and shy away for a second, not wanting to look at him.

We took a seat on one of the benches that was around, just looking at the pond in front of us. “Want to talk about it?” Lucas cautioned, not knowing how I was feeling yet. I thought about it for a moment, debating on whether or not I wanted to burden him with this kind of thing. I looked over at him surprised he was already looking at me, giving me a warm smile. I sighed and decided that I should tell him and let it out, all of it.

Two hours had passed of me talking and explaining, he paused me whenever he needed more details or wanted to ask about something he didn’t understand. Lucas was engrossed into every word that fell past my lips, that it made me unintentionally smile at his attentiveness.

Once I finished he didn’t say anything for a while and I was scared that he was just going to get up and leave. 

“Wow…Girl you need a whole two week vacation, like what the fuck?” He was left perplexed. Not expecting that kind of reaction, I laughed. “Don’t I know it?”

“But all jokes aside, wow. I am sorry you’re going through all this and on your own. No one deserves this.” He reached over to take hold of my hands and enclosed them in his, his thumbs rubbing small circles on the back of them.

The action made me blush but gave me that sense of safety and warmth. “I know you don’t really know me but you just told me you dark and deepest secret, so I am here for you if you need me, really for anything at all.”

“Thank you but I don’t want you to feel obligated to be here only because I told you that, I don’t want to burden you more than I already have.” I mumbled, suddenly feeling guilty. Lucas squeezed my hands a little.

“(Y/N), really, this is no burden for me. Let me be here for you, okay? I can’t change things but let me try to make them better for you. Let me be another pillar of support for you.”

I felt really grateful for Lucas right now. I was so glad to finally have this off my chest, I wasn’t the only one carrying this now and that felt like the biggest relive. I know I had my boys but I couldn’t bring myself to tell them. They were too close to all of this for me to be able to open up and I guess that’s why it came out easier with Lucas.

We spent another two hours at this hidden location walking, talking and laughing a lot. Lucas was such a mood maker kind of person so it was no surprise he practically had me in tears at some point during the time we spent together. Being with Lucas made it easier to forget my troubles.

The drive back to the place I’m forced to call home, was filled with loud laughter and horrible singing on my part since Lucas had an amazing and stunning voice. The first song he sang on his own, had me in awe. He pulled up in front of my house and I was thankful Yuta’s car wasn’t in sight.

“Call or text me if you need anything, okay?” He insisted as he brought me into a tight hug, hugging back I nodded, “Will do, I promise.”

Walking into my ‘home’, I ran straight to my room, scared that Yuta could be either on his way here or in here already and hiding. I locked my door and sighed in relive.

I’ve known Yuta for a long time and I have never seen him this angry, not the way he has been this past week. I wasn’t thinking the moment I smacked him but he pushed too far, he was asking for it.

While the nerves started to settle in about when Yuta would be home, I went to shower, double checking that my room door was locked.

In the bathroom, I played my music over the speaker and stripped. Looking at myself, I felt so sad. I had dark bags under my eyes, my hair was flat and oily and I just looked exhausted. I looked as horrible as I felt. I took my time in the shower, letting the hot water run down my body and just ease all the tense muscles I was carrying.

Once I was done, I dried my hair with the towel the best I could and then let it air dry as I wrapped a towel over my body, thankful that the bathroom was in my room because I had forgotten my clothes.

My music now turned off, I opened the door and didn’t make it far once I saw him sitting on my bed, staring straight at the door, now at me.

His cheek lightly red still from earlier, at least he didn’t bruise. But I don’t think he could even care for that. His eyes dark as could be. His shoulders tensed and his fist balled up to the point his knuckles turned white the moment he saw me. His jaw clenched tight with annoyance.

“Yuta.” I whispered, feeling the air leave my lungs and the anxiety kick in.

Too scared to move or to even look at him, I kept my gaze to his feet, holding the towel to my body. I noticed my door was still closed and locked, it washed over me that he must have the key. He must have the key to every room in this fucking house. 

He locked it so I wouldn’t try to leave, as if. I’m not trying to piss him off any more than he already is.

The air was thick and unbearable as he just sat there burning a hole into my soul, he didn’t move or say anything, just stared. I felt really unsettled, mostly for the fact that I was still naked. 

My window was open so the early fall breeze was coming in making me shiver a little as my body and hair were still wet. Deciding that I didn’t want to freeze my ass off, I moved to close the bathroom door.

Wrong move.

Before I knew it, I was slammed against the wall, with a small thud. “Fuck.” I groaned at the pain shooting down my back.

“Did you think I was joking when I told you to respect me? When I told you not to test me?” Yuta shouted in my face as he slammed his hand on the wall, near my face, making me flinch.

“No.” I whispered so low it was barely audible, still not looking at him. If I did, I felt I was going to cry at how scared I felt.

“So why did you think it was a good idea to not only hit me but to do it in front of other people?” He demanded for an answer, pressing himself more into me. Still, I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t, my brain wasn’t thinking and my throat was dry as a dessert.

“Okay, so you don’t want to say anything. That’s fine then, don’t. I’ll force the words out of you.”

Before I could question what he meant, his hand went to my throat, forcing my eyes to meet his. It was like looking into the void, pure black. Out of reflex, one hand wrapped around the wrist that was holding my throat and the other to his chest. 

Once he saw my hands on him, his once thin line lips, twitched into a smirk and that mischievous sparkle that I had seen many times, many years ago, made its way into his voided eyes.

“This is how I like to see you princess. Defenseless and weak, under my control.”


	9. Chapter Eight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ran the risk that he could never remember what we had. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“Yuta, don’t. Please, I’m sorry.”

He maliciously laughed and whispered in my ear, “You think I care that you’re sorry now? You should have thought about that when you decided that hitting me was a good idea.” His grip tightened a little more, cutting my air off.

My grip tightened around his wrist and grabbed a fistful of his shirt in the other.

“Yuta please.” I pleaded in breathes. Things were starting to get a little hazy.

“Hmm, I like the way you beg.” He bite my earlobe before he left kisses down my cheek, to my jaw and then shadowed my lips. “Tell me you want more.” His lips brushed against mine but didn’t fully come into contact. His hand caressing my bare upper thigh. 

_“Tell me you want more princess.” Yuta pleaded into my neck as his fingers were holding onto my waist tight, trying to keep himself from thrusting into me, knowing I needed more time to adjust. It was our first time and the stretch hurt a little more than I could handle right now. _

_“I want more.” I moaned. He started to move slow, letting the feeling of my walls wrap around him consuming him in full lust. “Fuck. You-you’re so tight, you feel so good.” _

_The pain subsided and I was ready for more, “Fuck, more baby, please.” _

_The animal in Yuta was released at the hearing of those words. He sat on his knees and pulled himself almost completely out before he slammed back into me without warning. A loud moan left my lips as my hands grabbed onto the silky sheets below me. _

_Yuta took hold of my waist and pounded into me. Watching the way my boobs bounced in rhythm with his thrust, the way my face twisted in pleasure, pleasure he was giving me. _

_It was in this moment we both knew that this was more than just a like, more than best friends losing it to each other for the sake of losing it. _

_It was in this moment, as he was pounding into me, making his for the first time that we both knew that we were in love. The way our eyes sparkled said it all. _

“Stop. Please stop.” Is all that could manage to say, I couldn’t take it anymore, the memories, the feelings, everything was too much.

“Yuta, don’t do this to me. I can’t.” I closed my eyes and felt his lips press into mine. Not hard or forced, just pressed against mine.

His hand left my neck and went to hold my waist and pulled me into him. He pulled away from my lips enough to ghost over them again and I opened my eyes to look at his. His eyes were much softer now, still dark but not as much anymore. He moved my hair away from my shoulder and then held my cheek.

“Your life is completely in my hands, so don’t try and test my boundaries again.”

He gave me a kiss before he fully pulled away from my body. Leaving me cold and exposed again. He looked over on my covered body once more before he turned to walk out. He stopped with his hand on the door handle but didn’t turn to face me.

“I mean it (Y/N), let this be the last time something like this happens. Next time I won’t stop.”

Once the door closed, I felt my body shake violently as the sobs left me uncontrollably. How am I supposed to make a life like this? My world was collapsing around me and there nothing I could do about it.

Yuta had my life in the palm of his hands. He could control everything and anything he wanted about me.

I spent the rest of the day locked away in my room, thrown on my bed, covered in the heavy blanket. Crying and crying, till it hurt and even then, I still cried. I didn’t bother turning on my phone again after I had turned it off when I ran away earlier. I didn’t care for the real world, just like it didn’t care about me, making me suffer in agony like this.

With my thick black curtains closed and my phone off, time didn’t exist for me. My mind was being weighed down by the memories. My body was exhausted of everything it was going through. Everything was too much and I just wanted this to end. 

_I had been discharged the same day of the accident, when my parents came for me. The doctor informed them that I was ‘fine’ just a few cuts and bruises, nothing a day or two of rest wouldn’t fix. _

_Before he stepped out, he gave me a sad smile and nod, I returned it knowing what it meant. As promised, he kept the pregnancy that was no longer present out of the information of my well-being. I didn’t know how to process this alone, I needed Yuta. _

_After I changed into the clothes my parents brought me, I stepped into the hallway to find our parents. Once I did, Yuta’s mom brought me into a tight hug, “Oh thank god you’re okay.” She cheered hugging me a little tighter. I hugged her back._

_“May I see Yuta?” I asked her when we pulled away from the hug. “Of course honey, go ahead. The doctor said he has a concussion so just be weary.” She informed me, pointing me to the direction of his room. I thanked her with a nod and walked to Yuta’s room. _

_I knocked on the door to see if he was awake, which he was as I heard a faint “come in”. I pushed open the door and felt a little stunned seeing him like that. Small cuts adorned his face and bruises were starting to settle on his beautiful silky sun kissed skin. _

_Yuta looked at me and nodded, giving me a wide smile, “You came to see me.” He cheered like he hasn’t seen me in a while. I stopped for a moment not expecting that reaction._

_“Of course baby, how are you feeling?” I questioned as I walked over to him, taking his hand in mine. He gave me a puzzled look and laughed. “Baby? When did you start calling me that?” I returned the puzzled look he gave me. _

_“Yuta that’s not funny, you shouldn’t joke like that.” I scolded, trying to push the ugly feelings that were starting to come up at his reaction. “Joke like what? I’m being serious, I don’t remember when you started to call me that (Y/N).” _

_(Y/N)... He hasn’t called me by my name in months now… _

_“What’s the last thing you remember then?” I fretted. He looked at me like he was ready to burst out laughing at the way I was acting, like if I was joking. _

_“What’s the matter with you? You’re being weird.” Yuta chuckled as he pushed my hand away like it was nothing. _

_Just then the doctor came in, he looked at me for a moment and carried on. _

_“Mr. Nakamoto, how are you feeling?” he quizzed as he looked over his chart. “I’m feeling fine, my head hurts a little though.” Yuta complained as he brought his hand to his head. _

_“Ah yes, you took quite a hard blow to the head during the accident.” The doctor informed him._

_“Yeah about the accident, what happened?” _

_The doctor looked up at him with worried eyes for a moment, “You mean, you don’t remember?” He walked over to him. “Not really, it’s a little hazy.” Yuta answered, he turned to look at me. “Were you there?” _

_“Mr. Nakamoto, what month or day is it?” the doctor interrupted before I could answer. _

_I tried to hold in my tears at the scene unfolding before me. Yuta knew the month and day. He remembered most of the day prior to the accident. He remembered the last two months as well. _

_The only thing he didn’t remember from those two months was me, just me. He thought I had been away for the summer since he couldn’t recall spending time with me. I don’t know what he remembered from those two months then because most, if not all the time was spent with me. _

_When the doctor stepped out, I told Yuta I’d be right back and went outside to speak with the doctor. _

_“Doctor, what’s happening? Why doesn’t remember me?” my voice cracked when I finished asking my question. “Memory is a tricky thing Ms. (L/N). It’s complicated. Sometimes, severe trauma or stress can cause the brain to reject emotions or thoughts that are too overwhelming for it to handle.” _

_I couldn’t understand. I didn’t understand. None of this was making any kind of fucking sense to me. _

_“Is there some way to make them come back to him? He has to remember.” I insisted. _

_“Ms. (L/N), its best you let those memories come back to him on their own. If you push too much, it could cause him emotional distress that can cause him to block out even more.” The doctor explained. _

_“But he will remember, right? His memories will come back to him, right?” _

_The doctor gave me a sympathetic look that was enough for me to understand that the possibilities were up in the air. I ran the risk that he could never remember what we had. _

_This was the start of the downfall my life took that changed everything forever. _

I felt myself yell out Yuta’s name as if it was being ripped out of my throat as my body jolted awake. I sat up panting with a thin layer of sweat covering my forehead. There was shuffling outside my door before it was thrown open by a well-toned shirtless Yuta, holding a bat.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m sorry, I mean… I’m okay. I think I was having a nightmare. I’m sorry.” I stuttered trying to gather my thoughts, trying to push everything down that was coming up right now. Seeing him wasn’t helping me.

He looked at me from the door putting down the bat from the swinging position he was holding it in, “You’re having nightmares again?”

My body tensed as I looked at him wide eyed. “How did-“

“Your parents told me you were having them, a month after they started. They asked if I knew of any reason for you to be having them.” He informed me leaning against the door.

“Oh, um I didn’t know they had asked you.” I whispered avoiding his gaze. “Well you cut off like I was nothing, like I didn’t even matter to you so I can’t imagine why you would know.” His voice hiding an undertone of hurt and bitterness.

Our eyes met at his statement, hurt washing over me. I never gave him a reason for cutting him off the way I did. But it’s not like I could just tell him that we were together, I couldn’t tell him in detail all the memories he forgot.

“I…I’m sorry for disturbing you like this.” I apologized. 

Yuta scoffed, thinking I would give him a reason for what I did, after all this time. He gave me a meaningless nod and closed the door as he left.

After sitting on my bed for thirty minutes just absorbing in the memories that creeped up on me, I decided to turn on my phone. The time read 1:14am.

Overwhelmed at the missed calls and text messages I had gotten. Most of them were Hendery and Ten, texting me, our group chat and the one with Doyoung in it. Doyoung had also sent me a few messages.

[Bunny]: I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have done what I did. I was wrong for it, I just, this is a lot for me too. I lost you and I can’t stand it. I’m falling apart without you.

[Bunny]: That’s no excuse for what I did today or Saturday, I know that. But I don’t know what else to do. I damn near lost my mind when the guys told me they were going to help you move in with him. I had one too many drinks and I just wasn’t thinking straight. I didn’t want you to find out the way that you did.

[Bunny]: I had overheard Jaehyun and Taeyong talk about how you were going to make your relationship with him public today and I just broke. I know you’re hurting and I just made it worse.

[Bunny]: When I saw that you slapped him (like he rightfully deserved by the way) I was ready to rush over to you in case he tried anything but then you ran away. I ran after you but I lost you in the crowd of people. 

[Bunny]: What I’m trying to get as is! Are you okay? Are you hurt? Do you need me to pick you up anywhere?

[Bunny]: Please answer me, I’m so sorry, I really am. I love you so much and I never wanted to hurt you like this. Please, I’m sorry.

Reading his messages crushed me because he is going through so much too and I just can’t do anything about it. I can’t make it better, not for him and not for me, not for anyone. There is nothing I can do, everything is in the hands of the black haired devil across the hall.

[Me to My home skillet biscuits]: Hi guys, I’m sorry for worrying you so much, I am fine. I just needed a break, it’s been really rough, for all of us. I’m sorry this has to be such a burden for everyone. I’m sorry but I’m okay.

There was nothing else I could do besides apologize.

Despite it being the late hour that it was, they all texted back, telling me that I shouldn’t apologize because none of this was my fault, I did nothing to cause it and there was nothing I could have done for it to not happen. Yuta’s parents and mine are to blame for this. 

Doyoung also apologized, not just to me again but to the boys as well because he’s been taking out all of his anger and every other emotion he can feel right now on them, on us. We all forgave him because much like this wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t his fault either that he was lashing out like this.

We all agreed that we should have lunch tomorrow, to just talk and find some kind of way of making this easier, for any of us. But the chances of that being possible are slim as the only way to make this easier is if I didn’t have to marry Yuta.

Shortly after that, we all said goodnight and called it a night. Well they did, I couldn’t sleep anymore. The dream kept replaying in my head over and over again. All the hurt that I first felt came rushing back to me.

Mourning the loss of a baby I didn’t know I was carrying, pushed me into an unbearable depression, where I lost all sense of sanity. Getting me out of the house wasn’t an option because getting me to even pass the four walls of my room was impossible.

I wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything. The world didn’t matter to me. I lost my baby, our baby. And I lost the version of Yuta, I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Nothing mattered.

I was devastated after Yuta didn’t remember the time we spent together. I hoped that over time the memories would come to him on their own but when the first year passed and nothing had come back, I had to give up, on him, on us. On everything I had known between us. 

It’s been eight years now and he still doesn’t remember what we had. But I am being forced to endure the fresh wave of flashbacks that took me years to burry and forget. I am being forced to endure my miscarriage again. This is torture to my heart and my mental health.

The summer we spent together, where we told each other time and time again, that it was the happiest we had ever been, is best forgotten. I don’t want him to remember it, none of it. Maybe it makes me selfish but I don’t want to have to relive it all over again. The first time alone was more than enough.

Yuta has the right to know, of course. But not now, not like this. Not at the expense of me, of my health and sanity.

_~While I sat in my room, hoping that those memories never came back to him. Yuta was twisting and turning in his sleep, sweat covering his overheated body as a very vague memory played itself in the form of a dream. A memory of us. But it was too unclear for him to fully understand that it was a memory and not a dream. _

_Soon enough he’ll know. ~_


	10. Chapter Nine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't a dream. It was a memory. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Yuta took pity on me today and let me go on my own. Well I assume that’s what he did since he wasn’t even home when I came down for breakfast. But his car was still here so I’m guessing he got a ride from one of his boys.

Something about it felt weird though, he made the biggest deal about leaving together and suddenly he just changes his mind. I didn’t want to dwell on it too much because it was just going to make me nervous.

Once I got to campus, I hesitated before I turned into my side of the parking lot. As usual, my three boys were there standing there in front of Doyoung’s car. Seeing them made my heart swell with glee, they smiled and laughed with each other as if everything was still the same. I pulled up in the empty space next to Doyoung and got out.

“Boys, good morning.” I cheered walking up to them. They all looked at each other before they broke out into huge smiles and tackled me into a hug. All I could hear was their laughter mixing together with mine. It was scary how a simple hug could feel like home.

“Okay, okay, I need to breath.” I joked as they started to pull away.

“How are you feeling today?” Hendery asked.

I don’t think I really had an answer to that question that didn’t make me want to throw myself off a bridge. I gave them a weak smile, “I’m here.” I sighed. Right when I did, I noticed Lucas had spotted me and ran over to me to give me a big bear hug.

“My goodness you’re here today.” He beamed as he spun me around still hugging me. I laughed and patted his back, “Lucas! Put me down.” When he decided it was enough, he put me down but kept his arm slung over my shoulder. The boys looked at him and then me, puzzled looks on their faces.

“Right sorry, guys this is Lucas. Lucas, these are my boys that I told you about yesterday. This is Doyoung, Hendery and Ten.” I introduced them to one another, making sure that I pointed them out as I mentioned their name.

They looked rather skeptical as they said hello, I giggled at their hesitation, considering that they have never seen Lucas around me or if they had even seen him before. “I had a class with him last year and then he was at my rescue yesterday when I left campus.” I informed them and watched their faces lighten up a little.

“Jeez, you weren’t kidding when you said that they were very protective of you (Y/N).” Lucas nervously chuckled, taking his arm off my shoulder. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. “Guys, be nice, you’re scaring him.”

Soon enough it was time for us to go to our classes so we said our goodbyes and parted ways. Doyoung invited Lucas to join our lunch and he gracefully accepted even though I could tell that he felt a little nervous. I tried my best to reassure him that they just needed a little time to get to know him when he walked me to my first class since it was on the way to his.

We hugged goodbye at the door and I walked into the room. My eyes found Yuta’s right away where he sat in the back. He gave me a look and gestured me to sit next to him, not wanting to fight so early in the morning, I nodded and walked over to him.

I placed my things down and took a seat. “Who was that?” He questioned right away. I let out a sigh and slumped against the seat, “That was Lucas, he’s just a friend.”

“Do your ‘friends’ always spin you around and hug you in the middle of parking lots?” He pressed. “Yuta, please don’t do this so early the morning, he’s just a friend.” My words muffled as I rested my head on the desk facing him. Through closed eyes, I heard him shuffle in his seat but didn’t say anything else.

Without realizing it, I had fallen asleep before the lesson had even started. I was overly tired from not being able to sleep well last night due to having slept most of the day and then the memories invading my dreams. It was almost impossible to get back to sleep after I had woken up.

The feather like touches I felt on my face caused me to smile as I felt my hair be moved from in front of my face and to the side and then having my cheek caressed. The warmest feeling grew in my chest and I couldn’t help but whisper Doyoung’s name as he always did that whenever I would fall asleep on his shoulder.

Suddenly I felt someone shove me causing me to jerk awake and look around confused. “The lecture is over.” A pissed off looking Yuta snapped at me before he got up and walked out. What was his problem now? I sighed to myself and gathered my things before I walked to my next class.

On my way to the next class, I couldn’t help but think how real the touches and caressing felt. It was like if someone was actually touching me. But I knew that was impossible as the only person close enough to do it was the black haired devil and there was no way he would have done it.

Convinced it was just a figment of my imagination, I brushed it off and didn’t think about it twice.

The never ending lectures finally came to an end and it was time for lunch. I gathered my things and made my way through the building to get outside to my car. On my way out, I ran into Jaehyun, who has never spoken to me so the fact that he stood in front of me right now made me uncomfortable.

“Eh can I help you?” I asked taking a step back as he was too close. He nodded no before he spoke, “Not really, just wanted to say hi.”

I looked up at him and sarcastically laughed, “You have never said a word to me and now you want to say hi? Whatever.” I rolled my eyes and walked past him. As I was doing so he grabbed my hand, causing me to stop and turn back to him.

“What?”

“You’re not really nice, maybe I should teach you some manners.” Jaehyun suggested with a smirk plastered on his face. I yanked my hand out of his hold, “Don’t ever touch me again Jung Jaehyun.” I spat and walked away.

Once I got to my car, I put my things in and drove to the café. Lucas and I got there at the same time, we laughed and walked in together. As always, my boys were already there in the same table as always but with a chair added. They turned to look at us as the bell on top of the door rang when we opened it.

Hendery waved at us, the other two just looked at us and smiled. “Do you think they’ll like me?” Lucas whispered as we walked over. I gave his arm a small squeeze, “Of course, if I do they will too. Just be yourself.” I advised as we reached the table.

“Hello, hello.” I greeted as Lucas sat next to Ten and I took my usual place next to Doyoung but now it felt weird to be this close to him. He was forgiven for what he did on Saturday and yesterday but I was still hurt that it happened, that it was even a thought and that he did it out of spite to hurt me.

He was hurting because of what happened between us and I get that. But he chose to do things he knew would hurt me. I didn’t choose to hurt him like this, I was forced too. There was a huge difference. I wouldn’t have done anything to hurt him like this, not willingly.

_~It’s a little ironic how It never crossed my mind that this whole time I had willingly been doing something that would hurt him and betray him more than anything he could ever do to me. ~ _

“So guys, tell me how Jaehyun actually spoke to me today, right before I came here.” I dramatically announced. Everyone stopped and looked at me with wide eyes. “Stop, are you serious?” Hendery gasped just as dramatic.

“What did he say?” Doyoung wondered. I rolled my eyes at the memory and ran my hand through my hair. “He said he just wanted to say hello. So what else was I supposed to do but laugh in his face and walk away? But when I was walking away, he grabbed my hand!” I paused for dramatic affect.

“And?” Lucas urged.

“He said that I wasn’t nice and then suggested that he should teach me some manners but with this stupid smirk on his face as if he was implying something more. You know, I don’t know whose smirk pisses me off more, his or Yuta’s. But anyway, I told him to never touch me again and then I left.”

They looked at each other and then at me, I looked back at them. We stayed quiet for a moment more before we burst out laughing. I don’t know why but we found it as a big joke and I’m glad we did because Jaehyun would never mean anything more in my life besides being a henchman for Yuta.

“All jokes aside though, it was weird.” I added. 

Lunch was filled with laugher thanks to mood maker Lucas who was able to fit in perfectly with us. They seemed to warm up to him quickly and that made my heart beam with happiness because I was thankful that they made the effort for me.

Now that lunch was over, we said our goodbyes and went about the rest of our schedules. I had just one more lecture and I was set for the day. Unfortunately I shared that one with Jaehyun. When I saw him the first day, I didn’t mind nor did I really care but now that he had addressed me, it bothered me.

Walking into the room, I didn’t see him so I was relieved and went to the back as usual. Still feeling tired, I rested my head on the table facing down and closed my eyes. Not bothering to open my eyes till I heard the professor walk in, greeting us. A small groan left my lips as I sat up.

Looking to my right, I saw no other than the Jung Jaehyun sitting next to me, he was already looking at me. Once our eyes met he sent me a wink that much to my dismay made me blush. I glared at him and faced the front.

Jaehyun was a very attractive guy, my favorite color dyed his hair and his jaw line always so sharp I’m sure it could cut. His eyes had some kind of warmth to them but beneath that they always had a glint of lust. His hands were the best part of him, his slim long fingers that according to some worked magic.

He carried his own reputation, much like Taeyong and Yuta there wasn’t a girl he couldn’t conquer and a pair of legs he couldn’t open. He was a tall built beautiful man that could have girl he pleased at the snap of a finger. 

Everyone knew that the trio of godlike men were after only one thing and every girl that crossed their path was ready to comply too every need they had. The three of them never settled and never intended too, all the girls knew that.

But each one was stupid enough to think that they could change the mind of three hormone filled men. Believing every lie that spewed out of their mouths, empty words and broken promises. They all just became another girl on the list, never anything more.

Once the lecture was over, I stood up to gather my things and noticed that Jaehyun was staring, “Take a picture it’ll last longer Jung.” As my back was to him, he let out a low chuckle and stood behind me placing his hands on my hips and pulling me back to him so my back was pressed into this front.

“You’ll last me longer than a picture.”

Pushing his hands off me, I turned to face him. His face was so close to mine I could feel his breath on my face. “You wish you could have me. But you never will, not now or ever. So do me the favor of never touching me again.”

Jaehyun smirked at me, the glint of lust growing more and more, “We’ll see about that doll.” With that he walked out of the room. I stood there in disgust at what happened just now. His stupid ego makes him feel so entitled, it’s sickening really.

Ignoring what happened, I walked to my car and saw that the boys and Lucas were there, waiting for me. Realizing that Lucas had moved his car over to where we were, made me laugh. He was really going to become one of us and the fact that he was already with the boy’s just made it better because they could get along without me.

“Hello, hello!” I greeted them once I reached them.

“Why do you always say hello like that?” Lucas wondered. “Don’t ask man, she just does it and isn’t even aware half the time.” Doyoung joked. We laughed and I playfully hit his arm.

“Fine then, I won’t say hello to you any more then.” I pouted at him, laughing. He came to me and hugged me super tight, “No, you have to say hello to me always.” He whined.

We laughed louder and for a moment things felt like before, like they never changed but it was short lived when someone cleared their throat behind us. Doyoung let me go and without turning around I knew who it was.

“Princess.” Yuta called. I hated so much to have to do this in front of the boys knowing that they wanted to punch in his face but couldn’t. The air got really heavy when I walked to him and he slung his arm over my shoulder.

My eyes met Lucas and aside from looking pissed, he looked more worried knowing how much this affected me for the reason only we knew.

“I didn’t bring my car today so let’s go home now.” He nuzzled into the side of my face but his words were stern. Doyoung balled up his fist but didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to cause yet another scene in the parking lot so I simply nodded.

“Guys, I’ll text you guys later.” I waved to them and moved to my car with Yuta still on me. “You can get off me now, you made your point.” I shrugged his arm off and got my keys out. He took the keys out of my hold and got into the driver seat without saying a word. I rolled my eyes and walked over to the passenger seat.

The drive was silent and uncomfortable as hell with all the tension that was radiating off Yuta’s body. His jaw was clenched tight and his grip was tight on the wheel. He turned to look at me at every red light with a cold look. I didn’t face him any time he looked at me, I just looked forward and let it be.

Once we arrived home, I got out of the car and walked to the door, wanting to be far away from him as possible. Walking in and ready to up the stairs, I stopped when the door was slammed closed.

“My dear princess why must you test me?” He questioned, walking up behind me. Placing his hands on my waist and putting me against the wall, my back facing him still. My hands came up to the wall in order to stop myself from being fully pressed against it. He pressed himself into me and let his hand wander over my body.

“Please don’t do this.” I stammered.

“You should have thought of that when you disobeyed me, don’t you think?” Yuta asked, his hand coming up my thigh and rubbing over my clothed crotch. I bite my lip to stifle the moans that wanted to come out as he rubbed harder over the jeans, creating a friction.

“No, no princess let me hear you.” He whispered in my ear, unbuttoning my pants. I grabbed his hand before it went in.

“Yuta please don’t do this. Don’t do this to me.” I tried to reason with him. My body wasn’t ready for him to touch and have again.

“You know, I had a dream just like this last night, we were in the kitchen of your parent’s house but I was actually fucking you. That skirt you were wearing looked amazing on you.” He told me the details in between the kisses he left on my neck.

My heart dropped at his words and my grip on his hand got tighter.

It wasn’t a dream.

_We were having dinner at my house with Yuta’s parents as usual. They sat in the living room after dinner talking business as if they had nothing else to talk about. I decided to clean up the kitchen and be away from that talk since I didn’t care, I still had years before it was handed to me anyway. _

_My hands were covered in soap as I washed the dishes, humming a melody of a random song to distract myself. Suddenly I felt arms wrap around my waist and a chin rested on my shoulder. _

_“Princess.” Yuta whined in my ear. I giggled back, “Yes my love?” _

_“I want you.” He mumbled into my neck, leaving soft kisses behind, his hand going under my skirt to feel me up. “Yuta no, our parents are literally down the hall.” I reminded him trying to push him off. _

_“Please, I’ll be quick.” He pleaded rubbing circles over clothed clit._

_“Fine but you better be quick.” I sighed, feeling turned on myself now that he had touched me. We were still in the early stages of our relationship, after we had sex for the first time, we have been going at it like bunnies. So it was a matter of time before Yuta found some way of getting me alone tonight. _

_Yuta pulled down his pants and boxers just enough to let his hard throbbing cock spring free and proceeded to bunch up my skirt. “Bend over for me.” He ordered as he pulled my undies to the side and pumped himself a few times before pushing himself in. _

_“Fuck.” He groaned holding onto my waist as he started to thrust into me. Letting the water run in case our parents got suspicious, I held onto the counter as his harsh thrust made my body move up and down. _

_“Baby you feel so good wrapped around me.” _

_His name left my lips in a moan as he brushed over my sweet spot. He pulled me back to him by the shoulder and wrapped his hand around my neck, “You have to be quiet baby.” He whispered as he fucked into me harder and started to rub my clit with his other hand. _

It was a memory.

I gathered all my force and pushed him off enough for me to turn and face him. He didn’t look pleased that I had stopped him from having his fun but right now I didn’t care about that. I just ran up the stairs as fast as I could to my room.

Before I could lock the door, Yuta came barging in, “You’re pissing me off more than I already am.” He growled at me, walking over to where I stood in the middle of the room. The closer he got the more I backed up, it continued until I hit the wall. He stopped right in front of me.

Eyeing the door, I decided to make a run for it. I don’t know where the hell in this house I was running too but I was running. I ran out of my room and back down the stairs into the living room. He was following close behind me as I heard his footsteps.

The couch was in between us as we looked at each other, “Yuta please stop.” I begged him. He just looked at me, his eyes dark and a smirk on his face, “You don’t call the shots here, I do.”

He moved quick to try and catch me but my body responded faster and I ran out to the kitchen. “Stop fucking running before you really provoke me (Y/N).” He yelled from the living room making his way into the kitchen.

Yuta walked in calmly and stood in the door way for a moment. The closer he got to me, the more I kept backing up. This was almost laughable, as if we were playing a game of tag. Had he not been so angry right now, there’s a good chance I would have laughed.

“(Y/N) I mean it, move again and you’re going to get to know the real me.” He threatened me, his voice low and husky.

I know I shouldn’t have but I needed to chance it, I couldn’t let him do whatever it is he wanted with me. By the time I reached the stairs, I felt a pair of hands on my waist that held me back. Fuck.

My back met the wall, hard. A pain shot through my whole back and my head. Yuta stood in front of me and I was scared, for real now. His eyes were a void again.

“Why can’t you just listen to me? Is that so fucking hard?” He raised his voice as he grabbed me by the hair pulling my head back to meet his eyes. I let out a yelp, my hands reaching for his to try and get him to let go.

“You’re hurting me!”

“I told you not to provoke me and you didn’t listen. You did this to yourself.” Yuta pulled harder and led me up the stairs and into his room. Once we were in, he locked the door and threw me on to his bed.

Before I could scramble away, he pulled my ankles towards the end of the bed and got on top of me, pinning both my wrist down above my head. I tried fighting him off but it was no use. He was furious causing his strength to intensify.

Yuta chuckled at my weak attempt to get away, knowing it was no use. He pushed my legs apart and got in between them, pressing his knee into me. A moan unwillingly left my lips at the contact. His smirk grew bigger.

“Oh you like that?” He teased, grinding his knee against me. Biting my lip to keep from moaning did nothing when he started to grind harder when I didn’t answer. He chuckled and came down to my neck.

Running his tongue over my hot skin, I kept trying to wiggle out of his grip. But it only created more of friction to my heat. “This is how I want you, listening to me, under me, under my control like you always should have been.” His teeth sinking into the sweet spot on my neck.

“Yuta.” I moaned closing my eyes, not believing this was happening right now. He removed his knee and replaced it with one of his hands, the other holding both wrist. He unbuttoned my pants and traced the waistband of my undies. Goosebumps raising on my skin at his gentle touch.

“I’m going to let your hands go now, if you as so much even try to resist me, there will be severe consequences.”

I wanted to fight him, I wanted to push him off and run away but something in me wasn’t letting me. Maybe it was just being scared that something worse could happen or maybe it was the overwhelming feeling of nostalgia that overcame me of having him like this again.

Whatever the reason was, it was enough to cloud my mind and ignore the screaming voices in my head reminding me that he had shown signs of getting his memory back after eight years. Letting myself get carried away and not think of how this could affect me later on, I gave into him.

Nodding okay, he let go of my hands. Satisfied with my obedience, he came down and connected our lips in a heated kiss.

For the first time in eight years, I felt the spark only Yuta had ever been able to give me. Drowning in the feelings that were over coming me, I pulled him into me more by wrapping my hands around his neck.

Yuta bit my lip before he pulled away and rested his forehead against mine, our eyes looking into each other. He recited the words that held so much meaning to us.

“Tell me you want more.” He shadowed my lips, his hand still tracing my waist band.

“I want more.” I mumbled into his lips as he came down to kiss me again.

For this moment, I let him have his way with me, however he wanted.


	11. Chapter Ten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're my everything princess. 
> 
> Enjoy!

After my plea of wanting more, it wasn’t long before his hand slipped past the waist band of my panties, tracing circles over my bundles of nerves. He groaned into the kiss feeling the wetness he had created. He ran his fingers through my slick folds before he pushed two fingers in.

Pulling away from the kiss, I cursed at the feeling of having his fingers invade me. He kept a steady pace as he left kisses down to my neck. Leaving hues of purple on my skin that marked me as his own.

If only he knew he’d done so, so many times before.

“Does it feel good?” Yuta teased picking up his pace, letting his fingers curl into my sweet spot. There were no words that I could think of so I nodded, holding onto his shoulders tighter. Moans and heavy breath were the only sounds that left me.

He looked at the marks he left on my delicate skin before he came up to my face again, watching my face twist in pleasure, pleasure he was giving me for the first time. At least what he thought was the first time.

Seeing my face like this, gave him a sense of nostalgia but he wasn’t sure what it was so he pushed the feeling away.

The fire that grew in the pit of my stomach was ready to burst when he started to rub his thumb over my clit. I bite into his shoulder to keep from shouting his name, he hissed at the sudden sting. “I’m close Yuta, please.”

“Whatever you want princess.” He dug his fingers as deep as he could and curled them, he felt my walls pulsate around his fingers. He smirked to himself as he looked down watching his fingers disappear in me. With a little added pressure on my nerves, I became undone under him, his name leaving my lips in hushed whispers like it was forbidden.

_The movie we were watching played in the background but I was no longer interested as I watched her sleep on my chest, her face relaxed and peaceful. Wondering to myself what she was dreaming about. _

_(Y/N) held my heart in the palm of her hand. She’s everything I ever wanted and I can’t believe that she’s mine, all mine. She deserves the world and I can’t wait to be the one that gives it to her. _

_She snuggled into me more before she mumbled my name, a smile creeping onto her face. My stomach exploded with butterflies because even her dreams she still was still with me. _

_“You’re my everything princess.” I whispered into her hair pulling her impossibly closer to me. _

_~Unclear at what he just saw, he ignored the way his heart warmed and pushed it away as a figment of his imagination. Convinced it was something that occurred because of the circumstances they were in this very moment. _~

Yuta kept his fingers moving helping me ride out my high until I stopped shaking. He took his fingers out and like a reflex, he brought them up to his lips. He licked them clean savoring the taste of me, his eyes never leaving mine.

“You taste so good.” He praised letting his fingers go with a pop. He gave me longing look before kissing me again.

Somehow Yuta had managed to flip us over and now I was straddling him. Never breaking the kiss, I started to move myself on him, I felt him get hard beneath me. His hands landed on my waist, moving me to his liking. He pulled away from the kiss with a hiss.

“Fuck princess, keep this up and I’ll make my dream come true.”

At the mention of the word dream, I was brought back to my cold reality. It wasn’t a dream. He had gotten a memory from the time we were together. He just couldn’t understand it. And I didn’t want him too.

Without having to think about it twice, I abruptly stopped and removed myself from him like he was radioactive. He watched bewildered as I backed up to the door with tears in my eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Yuta asked, concern replacing the lust that covered his eyes. I frantically shook my head putting my hand up to stop him from coming closer to me, feeling the warmth go down my cheeks.

“Stay away from me, please.” I cried. Yuta looked almost hurt that I reacted like this.

Opening his door, I ran down stairs to the front door. I could hear him running after me, his voice calling out my name, in worry. Once I got outside, I ran as fast as my legs would allow me too. I have no idea where I was running too but I couldn’t be here.

After a while of running, I stopped realizing I didn’t even know where I was, this area didn’t look familiar to me. Out of breath and legs burning, I pulled out my phone ignoring all of the calls and text messages Yuta left and called the only person I could trust right now.

The phone rang three times before I heard a hello.

“Lucas, I need you.” I wheezed into the speaker. A lot of shuffling was heard on the other end before his voice came through. “Are you okay? Where are you? Did something happen to you?” he questioned.

I sent him my location and waited for him to pick me up. Everything was running through my mind at once. The feelings that came up when he was pleasuring me, it was something that I couldn’t put into words or describe. What really made it worse was the spark he made me feel when we kissed.

After eight years, it weighed heavy on me that _the_ spark was still there, that he could still make me feel it. Doyoung always made me feel _a_ spark but it was different. It wasn’t the kind that a first love gives. 

So lost in thought, I hadn’t realized that Lucas was driving up to me until he honked to get my attention. He parked and got out of his car to walk over to me. Before he fully reached me, I ran to him and threw myself into his arms, needing a hug desperately.

He stumbled back a bit before he hugged me back tight, rubbing soothing circles onto my back. The warmth and comfort he brought me caused me to cry because I was so overwhelmed with everything that just happened.

“Hey, it’s okay let it out.” Lucas cooed as I sniffled into his chest. “I got you.”

After I calmed down, we got into his car and he drove around for a while as I explained what happened that caused me to be in this state. He was angry and upset that this happened, that Yuta chose to keep putting his hands on me. But he tried to worry more about how this was going to affect me now that Yuta had shown signs of getting his memory.

“Do you want to go back home?” Lucas asked as we neared my neighborhood. That was the last place I wanted to be or even think of as home. “No but I have nowhere else to go. He’ll look for me at my parents. And Doyoung is out of the question and the same with the boys.” I sighed.

Lucas pulled over and looked over at me as my head rested on the window, eyes staring outside. He reached over and took hold of my hand, getting my attention. “This probably means nothing but it’s going to be okay. We’ll get through this. I’ll be at your side through everything that happens, okay?” He assured me with a warm smile. I squeezed his hand and thanked him.

We made it to the outside of my house, I sighed heavily stepping out of the car. He got out too and walked me to the door. “Listen, if you ever need it, my house is always open for you, okay?” He offered, taking me in his arms.

Lucas’s hugs meant everything to me, they made me feel safe and protected, like if everything was going to truly be okay. I nodded breathing in his scent, he smelled so manly and yet he was so soft. It was mesmerizing having him as a giant teddy bear.

The door was flung open and long behold an angry Yuta appeared. We immediately pulled away from each other. “Why are you hugging what belongs to me?” Yuta angrily asked through gritted teeth as he grabbed me by the arm and yanked me inside. A small “ow” escaped my lips at his harshness.

Lucas stepped up to Yuta so that they were face to face. “Don’t fucking put your hands on her like that again.” He threatened him balling up his fist.

Yuta’s eyes flashed of anger as he scoffed, “You don’t tell me what to do especially not when it comes to her.”

“Lucas please just go. This isn’t worth it. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I pleaded to him. He broke eye contact with Yuta to look at me.

“Only because she’s asking me too I will.” Lucas stated, giving me a small nod and turned to walk away to his car. Once he drove off, Yuta slammed the door shut. Before I could step back from him, he took hold of my arm again.

His eyes were flashing of pure red anger as he looked at me, his grip getting tighter as the seconds passed. My hand came up to his to try and pry his fingers off, “You’re hurting me, please let go.”

Yuta simply scoffed and yanked me harder to go up the stairs.

I thought he was going to take me to his room but I was surprised when he walked into mine. Once inside, he threw me on the bed. “Don’t let me find you in someone else’s arms like I did today.” He warned me and walked out.

The rest of the week was filled with awkward moments and a lot of tension between Yuta and me. The air in our house with toxic and heavy every time we shared the same area. He wasn’t speaking to me and I wasn’t speaking to him, we had nothing to say. I just wanted to be far away from him as much as I could.

On campus he’d come to me at the end of the day, just to let his presences bother all four of the boys, Lucas in particular was the most upset, even more so than Doyoung. Which was understandable considering he actually saw Yuta manhandle me. 

Jaehyun, Taeyong and Sicheng were basically living in the house. They were here every day after classes and on the weekend from when I woke up to when I went to sleep. Jaehyun of course didn’t even spare me a glance when Yuta was around. But he’d sneak in winks and devilish smirks whenever he’d catch me alone.

It’s Saturday night, the night of the celebration party for the company. For me it was just another reminder on how this company ruined my life.

I admired the way my [off the shoulder purple dress](https://www.dhgate.com/product/gorgeous-long-evening-dress-2019-bateau-neckline/465552507.html?skuid=593138318602055779) adorned my body. My black heels visible through the sheer skirt of my dress. For tonight, I replaced my engagement ring necklace for my pig in a heart necklace. Despite the things that have happened with Doyoung and me, he still held my heart and I couldn’t find it in myself to take the ring off from around my neck.

My freshly purple dyed hair (to match my dress) was up in a bun with a few stands out at the side of my face, to look a little less round. My makeup was done in a natural manner as I didn’t want to gather any attention tonight. 

A knock came from my closed door before it opened to reveal Yuta. He stood at the door in an all-black suit, his long black hair was gelled back. It was almost as if he was shining, he looked stunning. I turned to face him.

“It’s time to go.” He informed me checking his watch.

I grabbed my purse and walked over to him. We stood in front of each other and looked into each other’s eyes for what felt like hours. His eyes were covered in a warmth I haven’t seen before. He brought his hand up to my face.

But I flinched at the movement and that caused him to close his hand and drop it back down to his side. I wasn’t sure if it was hurt that I saw flash in his eyes for a moment, it was left as fast as it had came.

He moved to the side and gestured me to walk out first. “Are we taking your car or mine? Wait, never mind, it doesn’t matter you’re going to drive my car if we take it anyway.” I pointed out as we walked down the stairs. He chuckled but said nothing more, we walked outside to his car.

Yuta stood in front of the passenger seat door and opened it for me. I gave him a thankful nod and got in. He walked over to the driver seat and got in. Before he started the car, he felt around in his pockets for something, once he knew it was there, he drove off to the venue.

When we arrived, there was a lot of people standing around. Either taking pictures or just talking before walking in. Yuta came to my side of the car and opened it for me. He gave me his hand to hold and as much as I wanted to reject it, I couldn’t. There were too many eyes.

As far as I was concerned, no one knew that we were set to marry and I remained very thankful for that. I wanted this to stay as low key as possible until it was necessary to bring it up. Taking his hand, he helped me out of the car and handed the keys over to the man for the valet parking.

The best smile I could manage made its way to my lips as the doors in front of us were pulled open. “Ready princess?” He asked linking my arm with his. I looked ahead and took a deep breath, “Yes.” I exhaled. We walked into the room that was crowded with people. Many of whom were our employees and small time partners for the company.

Out of manners, we walked around for a bit just greeting people and making small talk. We eventually reached our parents. Yuta’s parents took us in a hug and I forced myself to hug them back. It pained me to be like this with his parents and mine too but they deserved it for what they are doing to me.

“How’s living together going so far? I know the first week is hard, so there’s much to get used to, I’m sure.” Mrs. Nakamoto said trying to make conversation. She looked at us with a glint in her eye, like she was hopeful for something more.

A lot rage coursed through me as the conversation went on. All of them were acting as if this wasn’t forced on us. I was getting angrier by the second when Yuta just went along with it, making his own jokes on how it was going to get easier once we were married.

“Excuse me, I’m going to get a drink.” I announced as I removed myself from Yuta’s arm. He gave me a nod, “Don’t be too long, the speech will start soon.” He reminded me. Our parents were going to give some kind of a thank you speech, expressing their gratitude and whatnot.

At the bar, I ordered a glass of Schramsberg Brut Rosé, my all-time favorite wine. I decided to stay at the bar with no intention of returning to the dreading conversation that was being held with Yuta and our parents. I scanned the room looking for any of my boys.

Not wanting to do this alone, I invited them. Everyone accepted my invite expect Doyoung and that was understandable considering that Yuta would do nothing but pester him all night long, rubbing our ‘relationship’ in his face.

In the middle of my scanning, I heard a small hello come from behind me. I turned and was stunned at who was standing there. His purple hair slicked back, dressed in a dark blue suit and a glass of what I assume is whiskey in his hand. He looked just as stunning as Yuta.

“Taeyong, hello.” I greeted, a small smile mirroring his.

“How are you doing today?” He asked bringing his glass up to his lips. Taeyong before this has never spoken a word to me either but unlike Jaehyun, the fact he was standing in front of me right now didn’t piss me off and I wondered why.

I looked around the room and made eye contact with Yuta, who was looking over at us. Turning my attention back to Taeyong, I sighed. “Well I’m here.” I answered.

Taeyong gave me a sympathetic nod like he understood my misery, “I understand. Listen, I know we’ve never talked or more like I didn’t talk to you but the last time I did, I made a stupid joke about you being the misses.” He tried to apologize. I giggled at his attempt to do so. 

Despite being friends with the other two bone heads, Taeyong wasn’t so bad. He carried his own reputation too but you’d be surprised that he carried himself in a better light compared to the other ones. Sure he was after one thing only too but he was always gentle about it, he never made promises he knew were never going to come true. Which is maybe why so many girls still bended to every need he had.

“I accept your apology Taeyong.”

He gave me a smile and nod and I returned it. More was going to be said but it was interrupted when the static of the mic ripped through the air. Everyone faced the stage and watched as the bosses went up. My dad took hold of the mic and began.

“As everyone knows today we are celebrating the success the company has been having the last few months. We’ve been going strong and working hard to meet our goals. We’ve been reaching above and beyond actually.” He spoke so diligently. The room broke out into a round of applause.

In the middle of the speech, I saw Hendery, Lucas and Ten come in through the crowd. They hugged me one by one as they reached me. Lucas’s hug lasting a little longer than the others but no one noticed but us. Lucas gave me a comfort and warmth I know I needed desperately.

Hendery and Ten greeted Taeyong with a bro hug, not bothering to think why he was standing here with me. Lucas just nodded in his direction, I gathered he didn’t know him and Taeyong wasn’t exactly my friend either so I didn’t bother introducing them.

“I hope we didn’t miss much.” Ten whispered to me as Mr. Nakamoto continued the speech. “No, they just started.” I whispered back, giving my attention back to the stage. From the corner of my eye, I saw Lucas stand on the other side of me that was empty.

He looked down at me for a moment causing me to glance over at him and smile. “I’m glad you were able to make it.” I expressed my gratitude. “Wouldn’t have missed you looking this beautiful for anything in the world.” He whispered in my ear. I blushed greatly at his words, “Thank you.” I mumbled back to him shyly.

Lucas chuckled at my sudden shyness and looked forward as I did, trying to make my blush go away. And it did once I noticed that Yuta was on stage now with our parents. I saw how Yuta scanned the crowd looking for me as my dad spoke again.

“As many of you know, the company will be given to Yuta and my daughter (Y/N), in some time.” He started. Another round of applause was given. “And because of that, there is another reason we are having this celebration today.”

“(Y/N), what’s going on?” Hendery asked alarmed. I looked at him, the blood draining from my face as I remembered earlier when Yuta was looking for something in his pockets. Remembering that we have never really had a celebration party despite the company’s success. Tears welled up as I realized what was going to happen.

“(Y/N), if you could please come up to the stage.” Yuta called for me, still scanning the crowd. I looked at all the boys that surrounded me.

Taeyong met my eyes and dropped his gaze before he replied to Hendery’s question. Making the blood drain from the three boys as the words reached their ears.

“He’s going to propose.”


	12. Chapter Eleven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping that he'd let me go. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“(Y/N), if you could please come up to the stage.” Yuta called for me again. Teary eyed I glanced at the guys before making way to the stage. Everyone cleared a path for me to walk straight to Yuta and our parents.

They stood behind him with big smiles on their faces and that only broke my heart more because none of them cared for me and how much I didn’t want this to happen.

None of them asked me, let alone even made me aware that this was going to happen tonight. Yuta had known about this from the very beginning, I know now that he did. But had I known, I wouldn’t have invited the guys to witness this. I felt relieved that Doyoung hadn’t come, this would have torn him to pieces.

When I reached the stairs, Yuta came down and gave me his hand to help me up. Everyone awed at his action, causing me to roll my eyes. No one noticed but him, as my back was to the crowd. Taking his hand, he walked us over back to the mic and started his own speech.

“(Y/N), as you know, this company that are parents have worked hard for will be given to us one day. And I know that together, it’s going to become something bigger and beyond our greatest dreams.” He paused to look at me, squeezing my hand in a ‘loving’ manner. I nodded and gave him the biggest smile I could manage, returning the squeeze.

“There is no one I rather run this company with if it’s not you. And quite frankly, I can’t imagine what it’d be like to not have you at my side.” He dropped my hand and got down on one knee, pulling out the box from his jacket. Popping it open and showed me a diamond ring.

The crowd went wild, everyone cheering, clapping and hollering as they watched the scene unfold before them.

“Will you stay with me forever and marry me?”

The tears I was trying so hard to hold in came streaming down my cheeks. The crowd somehow got louder at my tears falling, if only they knew these tears weren’t from happiness but from a broken soul.

Taking my left hand in his, he placed the ring on it. Before I knew it, he was at my height cupping my face and kissing me. The saltiness of my tears mixed into the kiss.

After a moment, he pulled away from this kiss, still cupping my face. He looked me in the eyes, with no remorse or guilt beneath them at all whatsoever. His gaze went past me and soon a mischievous glint took over his eyes and a smirk grew on his face before he looked back at my still glossy eyes.

“We have a special guest princess.”

My heart broke into pieces when he let go of my face and let me turn around. There stood Doyoung in all his beautiful glory, his black and white tux adorning his body in all the right places, his black hair gelled and parted in the middle. He stood at the edge of the stage, witnessing the love of his life get engaged. He heard Yuta recite the words we had promised each other the last night we spent together as one. 

Just the sight of him standing there looking so broken, hurt and infuriated was enough to make me audibly weep in my hands. The crowd was very much still paying attention to us but I didn’t care. Our parents and the black haired demon were all so focused on this stupid company and its future that they didn’t care how it succeed.

Yuta turned me to him and embraced me tight, “Don’t do anything you’ll regret when we’re alone.” He solemnly whispered in my ear. A nod was my response as I hugged him back, needing to play the part.

The part of someone who was happy about this engagement.

When we pulled away from the hug, the mic was handed to me. I initially rejected it because I was in no state to talk especially not in front of all these people, but as always I was given no choice. By anyone. I looked to where the guys had joined Doyoung and felt devastated that they were all forced to watch this.

“Thank you to everyone who has been working so hard for this company. This isn’t just for us to celebrate but for everyone standing in this room tonight. I can’t express how thankful and delighted I am be given the opportunity to someday take over the company. Please look forward to what becomes of this with Yuta and me, together.” I paused, my voice shaky.

Before I continued, glasses of champagne were handed around. I took in a deep breath realizing I was supposed to seal the deal on this engagement.

My gaze fell on Doyoung and the three guys I held so close to my heart, right now more than ever. I ached knowing that the next words to leave my lips were going to devastate all of them.

Some more than others.

Yuta stood next to with the biggest smile on his lips, how he was able to smile so big and wide knowing it was fake, knowing that it was causing hurt to so many more than just me, was truly and entirely beyond me.

“Yuta, I can’t wait to see the future we create together as husband and wife.” Everyone raised their glasses with us.

He clanked his glass with mine, “Here’s to forever princess.”

For the rest of the night, the black haired demon refused to let me wonder far from him knowing that Doyoung was still around. Even to the bathroom, he stayed close by. My eyes would scan and find Doyoung’s every chance I got before he noticed and turned me away.

Hendery, Lucas and Ten came up to me all together. “Are you here to congratulate us, gentlemen?” Yuta mocked once he saw them in front of me, pulling me closer to him.

“Cut your shit and let us have a moment with her before we cause a scene.” Lucas threatened.

His malicious laugh echoed through the air when he let me go, “Don’t take too long princess.” He placed a kiss on my cheek and walked away, not too far of course.

Once he was far enough, all three of them engulfed me in a big tight hug. I was in the center and all their warmth made me feel safe and at home, even for the moment that it lasted. I couldn’t cry anymore, at least not here, orders given by the demon himself.

“We’ll gladly take care of him now, if you’d like.” Ten joked, trying to make this situation even a little better. I allowed a small chuckle go past my lips, “Are you guys leaving?” I asked. They nodded.

“Yeah, we stay any longer watching him be the way that he is and we might just actually fuck him up.” Hendery stated, very seriously that I’m sure he wasn’t joking, I’m sure none of them were. I nodded understanding.

“Are you taking Doyoung with you?” I wondered, knowing he was better off leaving too. “Yes but he said he wanted to have a moment with you before he left but that seems almost impossible with that clown following so close behind you.” Ten informed me.

“Well good thing I have never cared for what that clown has ever wanted.” I heard behind the wall that was created by the three boys.

My heart perked up at the sound of his voice but it washed over with sadness the moment I saw him. He eyes didn’t have the sparkle they always did and they were red and puffy. He had been crying and that was obvious.

“Doyoung.” I whispered as he stepped closer to me. There was nothing I wanted more in this moment than to throw myself into his arms and have him take me away from here but I knew that was impossible.

Not sure there were words that needed to be shared in this moment, he took charge and hugged me, bringing my arms around his neck and pulling him into me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and held me close to him.

“You look beautiful as ever tonight.” Doyoung whispered into my hair.

“Was tonight not enough for you to understand she belongs to me now?”

I internally groaned at hearing his voice. I held onto Doyoung just a little tighter before I pulled away. Doyoung turned to face Yuta keeping me behind his back, jaw clenched and fist balled up. The boys moved forward, ready to jump into action if needed. 

“This isn’t the time or place for this type of shit. You, the newly engaged couple will leave a bad image for the company and no will take you serious when you take over.” Sicheng scolded, appearing behind Yuta with Jaehyun and Taeyong following behind him.

We stood in a circle in a corner of this miserable place, I’m sure people were going to start getting suspicious regardless if something happened or not.

“Then I suggest the four of them leave now and no scene will be caused.” Yuta’s voice broke through the silence that fell upon us.

Everyone exchanged glances with me and nodded. “(Y/N), we’ll see you Monday. Text us or call us if you need us.” Lucas offered bringing me into a hug. The remaining three gave me a hug one by one, feeling sorry they had to leave me here. Doyoung was the last to give me a goodbye hug.

The black haired demon was less than pleased at the scene he was watching right now. But his three henchmen held him back to not cause any commotions that weren’t needed at this function.

“I love you so much.” Doyoung whispered to me as he held me tight. I blinked away the tears that blurred my vison. “I love you so much Doyoung. You were supposed to be my forever.” I murmured as I met Yuta’s piercing gaze.

We pulled away and he placed a chaste kiss to the corner of my lips. It took too much of me to not meet his lips. With that, he turned and walked away to the boys that waited at the door. Watching as he left, a tear slipped but I was quick to wipe it away.

Sicheng cleared his throat, getting my attention. “You guys seriously need to get your shit together and stop provoking each other like this, especially now that everyone was made aware that you’re to marry and run this company together.”

“Can we go home?” I cut in, not giving a single fuck about whatever Sicheng had to say. Yuta narrowed his eyes at me and nodded. “Guys, I’ll see you tomorrow. Winko, relax. Something tells me, this won’t happen again.” He promised, giving all of them a bro hug goodbye. As he did that, I walked towards the front door.

He caught up to me and linked our arms with a slight aggression as we walked out. The keys were given to him and the drive home began. Nothing was said. The air was tense and suffocating but what else was new for us.

Once parked in front of the house, no one made the effort to move or leave. We sat in the silence that surrounded us in the car, uncomfortable and deafening. He looked ahead, hands on the wheel, grip so tight his knuckles were white. I looked ahead too, hands folded on my lap.

“Why didn’t you tell me about tonight?” My voice trailed off at the end, the night replaying itself over in my mind, tears at the brim of my waterline. He turned to look at me, seeing how I played with the ring on my hand.

“So you could have done everything possible to avoid going tonight? No way were we going to risk that.” Yuta scoffed.

The way he said ‘we’ so carelessly, like it was nothing felt like a knife went through my heart. That ‘we’ was ruining my life. That ‘we’ included the people that raised me my whole life and they pushed for this!

“It was better you didn’t know anyway, it seemed more convincing. Well it was until your little stunt at the end.” He tried to play calm but the sternness in his voice gave away just how angry he was right now.

“I don’t know what you expected, he watched you…” The word wasn’t coming out, I didn’t want to make this more real than it already was. The night was weighing me down the more time I spent in this car, my head was heavy and spinning, “Never mind.” I opened the car door and got out.

The only sounds that echoed in the night was the clicking of my heels hitting the gravel and the car door being shut followed by the beep indicating that the car was now locked. Silence still surrounded us even when we entered the house.

Yuta took a seat in the living room, burying his head into his hands letting out a frustrated sigh, as if he had anything to be upset about. I stood in the hallway staring at him, letting the tears blur my vision because I was in the comfort of my home now, so I could cry if I wanted too. It was more like a need than a want now.

Not sure why but I walked into the living room until I was hovering over his hunched over figure on the couch. The clicking of my heels made him look up at me before I even reached him. He looked into my watery eyes and stood up to be face to face with me. Now he was hovering over me.

This was useless and I knew that but I hoped that he would come to his senses and let this end here, to find a way to break this before it went too far. Find some better way than to go through with this.

Hoping that he’d let me go.

“Don’t.” He warned. “You know the answer.”

My eyes closed and the tears spilled down my cheeks, leaving behind the only warmth I knew now. My head found itself on his shoulder, hands pressed onto his chest as I sobbed.

The words I wanted to say weren’t coming out, they weren’t even a thought anymore.

Yuta laced his arms around my waist and pulled me into him, holding me tight. He wasn’t sure what he was doing or what he was supposed to do but he rubbed my back in a soothing manner in order to try and calm me.

_She walked into my room and straight into my arms. I thought she was going in for just a hug but then I felt her body shudder followed by her small sobs. Instantly I became worried, wrapping my arms around her and holding her tight against me. _

_“What happened princess?” I asked rubbing her back to ease her sobs. _

_“I…I was walking around the neighborhood, just listening to music and I saw a kitty. I thought it was just laying behind a tree. But then I got closer.” She cried a little harder trying to explain what happened. Not needing to continue because I knew where this was going. _

_“My poor baby, I’m so sorry you had to see that.” I cooed, holding her a little tighter. Walking her over to my bed, I laid her down and crawled up next to her. She buried her head in my chest, damping my shirt in her tears. I held her close until she eventually tired herself out and fell asleep on my chest, her head rising and falling with every breath I took._

_Fingers raking through her hair as she slept, I looked at her doe eyed not believing that there will be a moment in time where I will love her more than I do now. _

_~Yuta felt his heart flutter at the memory that played itself behind his eyelids as he held her so close to him. He wasn’t sure what it was but something about the warmth that invaded his heart felt right even though he was almost sure he had imagined it much like the first time he had her in his bed. ~_

“Please Yuta.” The words came out in between broken sobs. 

“It’s going to be okay princess, I promise. I’m all you need now.” He cooed before he pulled away from me. His eyes were now the soft honey they have always been, no trace of anger was left behind as he looked at me. He cupped my face and wiped away the tears with his thumbs.

“Let’s go to bed.” He whispered letting go of my face and took hold of my hand, lacing our fingers together. With no energy left in my beaten up body, I let him guide me up the stairs and into my room.

Nothing was said as he let go of my hand and came up behind me, his fingers grazing the skin on my back, where the zipper of my dress was.

Goosebumps rose on my skin as he kissed my shoulder and pulled the zipper down, exposing my back to him. I tilted my head to the side as he kissed up my shoulder up to my neck, to my jaw and reaching my ear.

“I’m going to take your dress off, okay?” he mumbled against my skin.

Giving him a small nod as an answer, he pushed it down my body till it pooled around my feet. He let his fingers feel down my legs as he moved it away to hang it up on my door. When he turned back to me, he saw I was still standing where he had left me, unmoved.

“Are you going to sleep like this or do you want to wear clothes?” he asked standing in front of me, letting my hair down from its bun, ruffling his fingers through it. A relived sigh fell past my lips as I leaned more into his touch, feeling the tension in my head lessen.

It wasn’t too cold in my room but it might be later on so maybe sleeping in my black lace lingerie wasn’t a good idea but I didn’t want to bother getting dressed. Not like I was going too, I’m sure he would dress me if I asked right now but I decided against it.

“No, I’ll sleep like this.” I answered, moving away from him to sit on my bed to take my heels off.

Before my fingers even reached the straps, Yuta was lifting up my leg so he could it. Both of them were removed and placed neatly to the side. He placed my legs down and just stood over me. I could feel the way his eyes were drinking in the sight of my almost naked body.

My gaze met his and it seemed like the world had stopped the moment it did. He brushed the hair away from my face before he leaned down and captured my lips in a kiss. It was soft and tender. Our lips were in sync when he pushed me down slowly, getting in between my parted legs.

Fire rose on my skin wherever his touch lingered too long. One hand rested beside my head to support himself from putting all his weight on me and the other rested on my waist, tracing circles onto my hip bone. He licked my bottom lip, asking for permission.

Yuta smiled into the kiss when I granted him the entry he had asked for. I didn’t put up a fight tonight and let him have the dominance I know he wanted. So caught up in the moment, he hadn’t realized he started rolling his hips into me. Feeling the rough texture of his suit pants rub against my clothed area caused a moan to ripple through me.

Gaining his attention, he realized what he was doing. The hand that was on my hip moved down to grab a handful of thigh, bringing it up to hold against his body. We pulled away from the kiss breathless, foreheads resting against each other. The glint I hadn’t seen in so long rested in his eyes now.

Almost like it had always been there.

“Tell me you want more princess.”

“I want more.”

_~ This night would lead to consequences that I wasn’t prepared for. To moments that I wished never happened. And feelings I wish I never had to question again. Not just for me. But for other people too. This didn’t just affect me anymore. ~ _


	13. Chapter Twelve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our eyes met and everything seemed to stop. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Yuta draped my leg over his waist and started to roll his hips into me harder. Mewling at the pleasure that was washing over me, I tangled my hands in his hair pulling him down to shadow my lips. “You like that princess?” He grunted bringing his tongue out to lick my bottom lip.

My exhausted body knew that this was wrong but I couldn’t find it in me to stop this, to break away from him and tell him to leave. Instead, I fed into it and went along with him. I let his lips take me, his hands touch me where ever they wanted.

I handed myself to him on a silver platter tonight.

“So much, please make me cum.” I pleaded moving my lips to nibble on his neck. He clutched my bed sheets when I my teeth sunk into his skin, for once leaving my mark on him. I knew the moment that I did, I would regret it but I couldn’t find it in me to care or stop.

“Fuck.” He grunted as he pulled away from my body to sit on his knees in front of me. His hands caressed the bare skin of my hips before he started to palm himself. Yuta’s once honey eyes were covered in deep lust and arousal as they pierced into mine.

My mind was hazy with lust that the sound of him pulling his zipper down didn’t faze me the way it should have. It didn’t faze me the way it should have either when he pulled his pants down enough to rub the tip of his clothed cock against my clit as he moved my panties to the side. Immediately creating a wet spot on his briefs. 

The new found pleasure had my eyes rolling to the back of my head as he held my hips to his, moving us together bringing us closer to our sweet release. The overwhelming pleasure made me hold onto his wrist as the sweetest sounds he’s ever heard fell past my lips.

The black haired devil yearned to see me like this for him. Under him and under his control, like I always should have been. Somewhere deep down, he knew that this was right, he knew something about this felt familiar and he wasn’t sure why and that drove him fucking mad.

With the new anger fiercely burning away in him, he removed one of his hands from my waist and went straight to my neck, wrapping his long slender fingers around it applying enough pressure to cut off my air just a little. The sudden action caused my eyes to shoot open in shock, my hand finding its way back to his wrist.

His thrust got harder and faster, moving my body in time with his. “Who do you belong too?” He growled, lust coaxing every word. When I didn’t answer, his grip on my throat tightened more restricting the blood flow.

The pleasure became too much for my body to contain anymore, “You.” I mumbled.

My body shook under his hold as the wave of pleasure washed over me. His hips faltered as he let go of my neck and came down to meet my lips. This time the kiss was rough and needy, teeth clashing against each other at the force that he kissed me with.

Yuta removed his lips from my swollen ones only to reattach them to my neck, finding my sweet spot with his tongue. “You belong to me.” He bite into my skin as he reached his own release, gripping my waist so tight, I’m sure there would be ten little bruises there tomorrow. My nails digging into his back at the pain of his bite.

Heavy breathing trying to steady itself filled the air as he completely removed himself from me, fixing his pants when he fully stood up. I stared the ceiling with regret now that my senses have come back to me.

What have I done? And most importantly who have I done it with? 

I hadn’t noticed Yuta disappear into my bathroom only to reappear with a warm cloth in his hand, until he was in between my legs again, gently wiping away the mess my own juices had created. Once he was done he placed the cloth to the side and pulled the covers over my almost naked body.

“I’ll be right back.” He spoke softly, exiting my room.

The exhaustion of the night and the regret at hand, had finally washed over me as my eyelids closed that the words he said didn’t process correctly in my brain. Snuggling into my pillow more, slumber settled deep into my bones.

The last thing I remember was a familiar warmth surround my body and hushed words I couldn’t quite understand.

“There’s more to us, there has to be. And I don’t know why.” 

The sunlight pouring into my room started to wake me from my sleep. Not wanting to get up just yet, I relished in the warmth that surrounded me. A sigh of content made its way through me as I felt small patterns be traced on the exposed skin of my waist.

My eyes fluttered opened expecting to see someone else. But instead I saw Yuta laying with his eyes closed, arm resting behind his head, the other slung around my waist and me resting on his bare chest.

The memories of the many nights we spent like this made their way back to me. The warmth felt like home, at least back then it did. Now it was just another reminder of how much this was hurting me, how much it was tearing me apart to be this close to him.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer princess.” His eyes opened finding mine, a warm smile painted his lips. He removed the arm behind his head and brought it down to connect with his other, holding me closer to his body.

“Um… what are you doing here?” I asked starting to pull away from him only to be stopped when he pulled me flushed against him. “Enjoying the warmth your body is giving me so don’t move away from me yet.” He purred turning to his side to hold me better.

“There’s no point in trying to fight you off, is there?”

“No there is not, so stay put.” He basked in the warmth that radiated from our bodies under the covers. He tangled his legs with mine, just holding me. If only he knew how many times we used to do this when we were younger.

There wasn’t a day we didn’t spend in each other’s arms that summer, we were basically attached to the hip. It was a miracle that our parents didn’t think there was more going on between us.

But I don’t blame them for not thinking that, we were always together and I mean always. Everywhere we went, the other followed without being asked.

This was the warmth I made home, the warmth I wanted to spend forever in. But I had to move on, I had to make a new home in someone else’s warmth and I did. I was happy there, that was my forever now.

But I was ripped away from it, like this was one was ripped away from me eight years ago. The thought of having this became home again, was too much to bear. I didn’t feel that way for him anymore, he wasn’t in my heart the way he used to be.

That’s why there was no use in him getting his memory back, it would mean nothing. He doesn’t know what he lost and that’s okay now. I worked hard to get over this and move on from it. And to be forced to relive this, go through it again was a misery I couldn’t even being to put into words.

I lost myself after that summer, I lost my sanity and every trace of who I used to be. I could never give my all again, not even to Doyoung. I don’t want to have to relive that all over again. To have to experience all the feelings of my miscarriage again. I wouldn’t make it. 

_Ding! Ding!_

The doorbell being rung echoed through the quiet of our home. “Why are they here so early?” He groaned into my forehead as he checked his watch behind my back. He reluctantly pulled away from me as the doorbell rang again. “The boys are going to spend the day here.” He informed me as he got up stretching his body.

“I don’t know why you’re telling me this like its new.” I mumbled as I rolled over giving him my back, covering myself back up. I heard his chuckle before the bed dipped behind me. “You’re annoying you know, that?” His tone playful as he rested his hand on my hip, bringing his face down to mine.

“Only towards you.” I hide my face away from his when he came down to give my cheek a kiss. “Go open the door before they ring the damn doorbell again.” I complained.

He chuckled again getting off my bed and leaving. I turned to watch him leave, admiring the way his pj bottoms clung to his hips loosely and the toned muscles in his back pop out when he stretched.

Soon enough, I heard the commotion of the boys downstairs as if they hadn’t seen each other for days and not las night. My door was closed and I could still hear them laughing and hollering at whatever joke someone said.

Staying put in bed longer, the events of last night came back to me and played themselves over painfully. From the moment he proposed, to Doyoung being in my arms again, to the way I gave into the devils game and let myself be vulnerable.

The muffled buzzing of my phone in my purse pulled me out of my thoughts. Uncovering myself to get up, I regretted choosing not to get dressed last night because the cold made me shiver as I walked over to close the window. Looking out into the street below me, I was met with Jaehyun’s eyes devouring the sight of my half naked body being put on display at the window.

Quickly, I closed it and shut the blinds stepping away from the window. My phone buzzed again gaining my attention and ignoring what just happened. I fished it out of my purse and looked at the time, it was ten o’clock.

Even though Lucas was added to our group chat, he still messaged me privately to ask how I was doing, which I thought was very endearing. I had missed messages from the rest of the boys as well, just seeing how I was doing.

[Me to My home skillet biscuits]: Goodmorning guys, I am doing as well as I can be. But please, let’s not talk about me anymore, it’s been all about me for the last two weeks. Tell me about you and what you’ve been up to.

[Me to Foodcas]: I am eh okay. Last night was rough, too rough. You?

After much convincing that I was fine and that it was okay to talk about something else, we had managed to move on. Ten went on to tell us about a boy on campus he met, Johnny Suh.

From what I’ve seen and heard, Johnny is a very tall and a rather handsome man so I approved even though I’ve never really said more than a hello to him. I may have shared a class with him a while back but I’m not too sure.

Anyway, he asked advice on what he should do regarding liking Johnny. Ten rarely ever gets nervous or flustered so I knew he was serious about this. He was almost sure that Johnny liked him too but didn’t want to jump the gun, in case he was wrong.

I suggested just asking him to hang out, one on one and feel the water, see what kind of vibe he puts out. But of course, that was from a girl’s point of view. The lovely boys had other ideas on how to get it out of him if he liked Ten or not.

However they got it out of Johnny, I hope things work out well for Ten. He deserves it after his shitty ex-girlfriend completely fucked him over. They dated for three years, meanwhile the bitch had a whole relationship on the side. After I found out about her business, I was ready for murder.

But only for Ten, I didn’t rip her to shreds when she came crying to me asking me for help to get him back. Well at least I tried not to rip her to shreds but she did get a good slap and some pretty harsh words.

My poor baby, was hurting and aching for months after that. It took him a while to get over it but ever since he hasn’t done relationships or even liked anyone. It’s been two years since that happened. So liking Johnny was a big deal.

_Buzz!_

[Foodcas]: Lunch, just you and me at 12?

[Me]: Only if it’s a date haha.

[Me]: Yes please

[Foodcas]: Lol consider it a date then

Lucas has fully become a pillar of support for me and there weren’t enough words to ever express just how thankful I am for that. To think that no more than two weeks ago, he was someone I had never spoken too was crazy. He was my warmth and comfort.

Meeting Lucas was a blessing.

After a much needed hot shower, I started to get ready for my lunch with Lucas. He didn’t say where we were going so I assumed it was casual. My jeans were snug against my body, my black t-shirt was tucked into my jeans and a purple cardigan was thrown over it, all tied together with a pair of classic converse. 

Before I knew it, it was already twelve. I made my way downstairs while I waited for Lucas to tell me he was outside. Passing by the living room, I heard all the commotion of the boys fighting over some video game. Shaking my head at their childishness, I walked over to the kitchen.

Jaehyun was closing the fridge with a bottle of water in hand when I walked in. The moment he saw me a smirk was plastered across his face, “Well I must say, I like you better without clothes.” His eyes running over my figure.

“Yeah and I like you better when, oh wait, I don’t like you ever.” I sassed walking to the sink, settling on getting room temperature water since he was leaning against the fridge, still checking me out.

“Stop staring Jung.”

Just then the doorbell rang. Please don’t let that be Lucas, I thought to myself speed walking out of the kitchen to try and get to the door before Yuta did. Entering the hallway, I saw it was too late. Fuck.

“What are you doing here?” Yuta sternly questioned him. Lucas’s gaze went past him and locked with mine. Once Yuta noticed, he turned to see me walking to them.

“What is he doing here?” He asked me now, clearly not happy with what was going on right now.

“You ready to go?” Lucas asked me, completely ignoring the presences of Yuta in front of him. If they hadn’t been so serious I would have laughed. “Yeah, let’s go.” I told Lucas, shimming my way past Yuta who stood blocking the door way.

I thought Yuta would have said more when I walked out but he didn’t. Lucas and I walked over to his car in silence, feeling eyes burn into our backs. Once we reached the car, he opened my door and then walked over to his side.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the situation once we settled inside, “I’m not even going to check if he’s still looking because I can feel his eyes burning a hole into us right now.”

Lucas turned the car on and drove away without even a chuckle. Something was up though because he was oddly quiet.

“Where are we going?” I asked, looking around to see we were nearing the park where he had taken me the first day he came to my rescue. I thought he said we were going to go eat?

He didn’t answer my question and just kept driving. It was quiet in the car, only the soft music coming from the radio.

Lucas seemed bothered and I didn’t want to press on the situation. So I waited for him to talk first or just take me where he wanted too.

We ended up at the park, he got out of the car and came to open my door. I quietly thanked him and followed him when he walked down the same path we had before.

We reached our secret place and I was left in awe. One of the picnic tables was all set up with food, drinks and a bouquet of my favorite flowers, sunflowers and roses. Heat rushed to my face, covering my cheeks in a deep scarlet as I felt his eyes on me.

“You did this for me Lucas?” I asked turning to face him.

His face wasn’t so hard anymore, his eyes turned warm once he saw my state of total awe. “You’ve been going through a lot lately. So I wanted to do something for you to make you feel better. To make you feel as special as you are.”

No words could come to mind at what he did for me. My heart fluttered at his efforts to cheer me up, it meant so much. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug.

“Thank you so much. This is really amazing.”

Lucas’s arms found their way around my waist and held me tight against him. The moment seemed to have lasted forever and yet only a minute had passed. He pulled away and looked at me, our arms still wrapped around each other. Our eyes met and everything seemed to stop.

“We should eat now.” Lucas cleared his throat pulling away from me. Hesitantly I nodded and followed him to the table. A tingling feeling started playing at my chest before I pushed it away.

We sat in silence as we ate, eyes lingering everywhere but each other. Lucas was still oddly quiet and it was starting to bother me because he has never been this quiet before. For the first time since I met him, it felt awkward.

“Lucas, what’s wrong?” I questioned, putting my food down and looking at him. His eyes lingered somewhere else for a moment more before they fell on mine, “Nothing is wrong. Why do you ask?” he answered.

“You’ve been super quiet since we left my house. Which is really unusual for you.” I pointed out to him. He sighed and looked away for a second before he spoke, “When Yuta opened the door I noticed he had hickeys on his neck. Then I saw you and you have them too.”

Somehow that made me feel embarrassed and panicked, the heat rushing to my face again. “Oh, it wasn’t like that. Well, it was like that but not like that. I mean, we didn’t sleep together.” I frantically babbled trying to explain, my brain not coming up with the right words.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me. I just want you to be careful because I know what this means to you, is all.” His tone was a little harsh and cold. Something in me felt like I had to explain because I didn’t want to see Lucas like this, especially not over something that didn’t happen.

“I will, believe me I will but nothing like that happened, I promise.” I assured him. He gave me a cat smile and nodded. I felt myself wanting to sigh but I stopped myself from doing so. It was understandable why felt the way he did, but why did I feel like I hurt him in some way?

After that conversation, it was a while before he went back to his normal self. But once he did, we were laughing till it hurt and cried. Lucas was such a ball of energy and I loved it. It felt good to laugh without a care and it felt even better to be with someone who wanted to see me smile all the time.

Somehow time slipped us by and before we knew it, we were watching the sun go down. Sitting in the middle of the field close to each other with his jacket over my shoulders because it had gotten a little chilly.

“This is so beautiful, don’t you think Lucas?” I marveled at the sky colored pink and orange, little stars becoming barely visible. This felt like a dream I never wanted to wake up from.

“Yeah, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Lucas whispered, feeling his heart flutter as he wasn’t staring at the sky but at me. He took in every feature on my face, from the way my eyes lit up at the sky to the way my smile got wider at the birds chirping away.

Silently promising to himself that’ll he do everything he can to always see me like this. Therefore promising to always be at my side.

So caught up in the picture of nature being painted in front of me, I didn’t notice the way Lucas stared at me. His lingering glances going unnoticed but not his movements to sit closer to me. When he was close enough, I rested my head on his shoulder.

“This is so nice, I wish I could keep this image forever in my memory.” I sighed. He rested his head on mine and hummed in response. With his hand resting near mine on the grass, I absentmindedly started to trace patterns on the top of his hand before he turned it over and closed it on my fingers.

I giggled into his shoulder as he opened and closed his hand. Measuring my hand against his, I slipped my fingers in-between his. Lucas hesitated for a moment before he closed his hand around mine, once he did, I did too.

After much thought, Lucas decided to go for it. He turned his head to mine and placed a kiss on my forehead giving my hand a squeeze. My heart fluttered returning the squeeze, letting him know I was okay with what he did.


	14. Chapter Thirteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuta started to feel the faint feeling of being home.

Once the sun set, Lucas and I pulled away from each other and acted as if nothing happened. It didn’t feel weird or awkward. The walk back to the car was quiet. The path was a little dark for my eyes to adjust well too so I didn’t see the branch on the floor causing me to trip.

I squealed when I went forward and knocked into Lucas’s back. “Are you okay?’ he asked turning to me worried, holding me by the arms. “Yeah sorry, I just didn’t see that branch. Did I hit you too hard?”

He smiled at me, “Nothing I need to go to the hospital for.” I smiled back hitting his arm. “Give me your hand so that you don’t trip again.” He took hold of my hand and laced our fingers together before he started walking again.

Even after we got out of the path and into the park, he didn’t let go of my hand. Not like I wanted him too anyway. We walked over to the car hand in hand, with the bouquet of flowers in my other hand. As always, he opened the car door for me before he got into his side.

The drive back to my house wasn’t long enough and that made me upset because I was back to my reality. The one where afternoons like this only exist every once in a while instead of all the time. Where afternoons like this made living with Yuta a nightmare because once I stepped inside he’d go crazy.

Parked in front of my house, Lucas got out and opened my door again. I thanked him as he walked me to the door. “Thank you so much for this afternoon Lucas, really. You have no idea how much it meant to me.”

“Of course, I’d do anything to see you as happy as you were today.”

We hugged each other goodbye and parted ways. I watched as he drove away, waving me goodbye before I walked into my home. Bracing myself for whatever commotion Yuta was going to cause.

Walking into the house, only the light of the hallway was on. It was quiet and no sound was heard in the halls. “Yuta?” I called out, walking to the kitchen looking for something to put my flowers in. I didn’t hear an answer so I carried on about my business.

I arranged the flowers in the vase to my liking before I took them to my room. Once satisfied with my arrangement I turned with the vase in hands to head out. But almost dropped them when I saw Yuta leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest and a hard expression on his face.

“Nakamoto, what the fuck! You scared me!” I exclaimed walking past him to head up to my room. He quietly followed behind me all the way up to my room. He welcomed himself inside and just stared as I set the flowers down on my dresser.

“Who gave you those flowers?” He asked, his voice stern. “You already know who so I don’t know why you’re asking.” I answered moving away to admire them and then turning to look at him. Yuta looked angry but that wasn’t new.

He took a step forward and I stayed in place. I wasn’t going to back down to him anymore. I was tired of having to defend everything I did and who I did it with. He didn’t own me and I definitely didn’t owe him shit.

“Where did you go?” He questioned when he stood face to face with me.

“Look.” I sighed before bringing my stare back to him. “This is the first good day I’ve had in the past two weeks, don’t ruin it for me Yuta.”

“Then stop doing stupid shit you know is going to piss me off. It’s that simple princess.” He shot back. I scoffed and walked away from him. “Get out of my room. I don’t have to give you explanations for anything that I do or don’t do.” I held the door open for him.

“I hate to break it to you princess but you do. We’re engaged now. You owe me explanations especially when you go out with people I told you I don’t want you around.” He argued back staying put in the middle of my room.

“You don’t own me. And most definitely don’t give me orders Nakamoto. I am free to see anyone and everyone I want. Your words mean nothing to me.” I spat back. He walked over to me and grabbed me by the arm.

“You sure you want to play this game with me princess? I already warned you once, I am capable of so much more than you think. Don’t test me.” He warned me, his grip tightening more. His eyes pierced into mine making it hard to keep the contact but I didn’t want to give into him again.

“Then stop provoking me and I won’t provoke you. It’s that simple Nakamoto.” I mocked him pulling away from him. He actually let go and backed up with a smirk resting on his face.

It’s like he gets pleasure out of our fighting.

“I’m just saying (Y/N), you could be having good days with me too if you would just accept this.” He stated, his voice hiding an emotion I couldn’t quite pick up. I looked at him in disbelief.

“As if I could ever.”

“You did before.”

“What?” I breathe out.

The anxiety of him probably remembering me started to build up. I could feel the way my chest started to tighten as the seconds passed and my hands get clammy. My eyes searched his for any kind of answer but none was given.

“Back when we were friends, we used to have good days left and right. But then you all of a sudden just turned on me.” Yuta sounded hurt, he was hurt. His face showed clear signs of sadness and that hit me hard.

Harder than it should have.

“After _my_ accident, you got distant. You wouldn’t call me or text me like before. You didn’t want to hang out with me anymore. I tried time and time again to see you and just nothing. You were someone I called my best friend and then you left me like if I was nothing to you.”

To this day, he still doesn’t know I was in that accident with him. To this day, he still believes that I was away for the summer.

With the fresh wave of emotions hitting me, I turned my back to him hiding away the tears I felt burn my eyes. Hurting and aching over my own loses, I never stopped for a second to think about how Yuta felt when I stopped appearing in his life as often as I did and then just all together, erased myself from his life. 

_It’s been three months since the accident and Yuta has still showed no signs of getting his memory back or even remembering anything related to us. I locked myself away in my room, spending every waking moment crying and aching. _

_Mourning the losses of two people I loved, in the silence that only made things worse but it was out of the question to ever bring this out into the open for people to know._

_The version of Yuta that I fell in love with and our baby were only mine. No one was going to take that away from me. Those memories are only mine and no one else’s._

_The first three months of the school year, I was home schooled because I couldn’t make it past my bedroom door. I couldn’t step into the real world past the walls of my home. _

_Yuta came around as often as he could but seeing him knowing he’s not the same person I had in my arms, was too much for my mental health. After the first month and half, the nightmares started happening so I asked my parents to stop letting him in. Not understanding the state I was in, no questions were asked and they just did it._

_He blew up my phone with calls, texts, and endless notifications of just anything that my phone was off during the day and turned on only at night when I knew he was sleeping. _

_[Osaka Prince]: Where you been butt cheek? _

_[Osaka Prince]: Let’s hang out, I miss seeing you. _

_[Osaka Prince]: I miss you. Answer my calls. Or my texts. Anything. Let me know you’re alive. _

_[Osaka Prince]: Did I do something to you? Why did you tell your parents to not let me in? _

_[Osaka Prince]: I’m sorry for whatever I did. Please talk to me. I want to fix this, I don’t want to lose our friendship. _

_At the start of the New Year, with much hesitation, I decided to attend school again. My parents were fine with whatever I decided that was better for me, my depression was still high but I knew it was time I stepped out of my house. _

_Maybe I should have waited a little longer. _

_Ignoring Yuta in the comfort of my house was easy but it was very different seeing him at school. Where I couldn’t run away and hide, where I couldn’t cry as freely as I had in my house. Any class I had with him, I switched out of and made sure our free times never matched. _

_I even made three new friends to spend most of my time with. New people that could ease the pain I carried in the depths of my soul. _

_[Osaka Prince]: (Y/N) this is getting ridiculous. You won’t answer my calls or text and now you’re ignoring me at school too? You won’t even look at me?_

_[Osaka Prince]: I miss you so much. I want my best friend back (Y/N), bring her back. _

_[Osaka Prince]: Don’t do this to me, please. I need you in my life, you’re my best friend. Please. _

_[Osaka Prince]: Who were those guys you were hanging out with? I haven’t seen them before. Are they new? Why was that one bunny looking guy all over you?_

_Every time the word ‘friend’ was read in his text messages, it felt like a knife was being plunged into the depths of my heart. _

Without realizing it, the tears fell and I couldn’t help but audibly weep into my hands. I could still see his texts play behind my eyelids as if I had read them yesterday. I could still see his face clear as day when I walked past him when he stood in front of me trying to talk to me. I forced myself to look past him, to not even acknowledge his presences. 

Yuta didn’t say anything, he came behind me and wrap his arms around my shoulders, holding me. I wanted this to be home, I wanted this be more. I wanted him to comfort me when I lost our baby but he didn’t because he couldn’t. He didn’t know me the way I knew him. I wanted him to fucking remember me.

But it was too late, I didn’t want this anymore. I just wanted my life back. Even if that meant that it would change the way things were now. Things that maybe I didn’t want to change.

I turned in his hold and pushed against his chest so he could let me go. “Leave.”

“What?” He asked, confused. His eyes searched for something more in mine.

“Leave! Please just get out and leave me alone Yuta. I don’t want to see you anymore.” I started to get worked up causing the volume in my voice to raise. He stepped closer and I stepped back. “Don’t come closer to me. Please just leave.”

There were so many different and new emotions running through Yuta that he didn’t know what to do with himself. He felt overwhelmed and frustrated at how easy my whole demeanor towards him changed in the snap of a finger.

Last night felt right, felt like something we did a lot despite it only being the second time we did what we did. Somewhere in his heart, he felt like it was normal. Waking up and seeing my face as the first thing, filled him with a warmth.

_Yuta started to feel the faint feeling of being home. _

And now today I’m crying in his face about the things he said, yelling at him to leave. He was confused and hurt.

“I don’t fucking get you!” He barked before stomping out of my room. I heard his footsteps go all the way downstairs and then the front door being opened and then slammed closed. The engine of his car roared through the night and then sped away.

I dropped to my knees, hunched over and banging on the floor with my fist, “This isn’t fucking fair!” I yelled, choking on my tears. “I wish I didn’t know what it was like to love you Yuta. I wish I could forget about everything the way the memories were wiped out of you.”

The ach in my throat from crying all night, bothered me all morning as I got ready to attend my classes for the day. Yuta didn’t seem to have come home last night as his bedroom was still opened, when it was always closed and his car wasn’t in the driveway either when I walked out.

Pulling into the parking lot, the boys were there waiting for me like usual expect Doyoung wasn’t there. Something told me that it wasn’t for a good reason. I don’t think I could handle anything else after last night right now. I got out of the car and went right into Hendery’s and Ten’s arms.

They didn’t hesitate to hold me tight against them. “You okay?” Ten mumbled against my hair. I sighed and nodded my head no. I stepped away from them with a sad smile and went to Lucas.

“What’s wrong?” Lucas cooed wrapping his arms around me, tight. Hendery and Ten looked at each other confused, trying to read each other’s expression. They felt like this missed out on something by the way Lucas and I hugged each other. 

“Where’s Doyoung?” I asked into Lucas’s chest. He tensed under my head and the other two boys cleared their throats not sure what they were supposed to answer. “That was enough of an answer.” I pulled away from Lucas just enough to turn in his hold to face them.

“I’m okay not knowing today.” I lied.

We agreed to meet for lunch at our usual place and parted ways. Lucas walked me to class and on the way there, I explained to him last night. This time I wasn’t emotional, just numb. There wasn’t much or anything he could do to make this better but his presences around me was more than enough to help me sooth. 

Walking in to the room, there was no sign on Yuta. The lesson passed by and he never showed. The rest of the day went by and still nothing. Jaehyun wasn’t in the last lesson either. And according to the boys, no one saw Sicheng or Taeyong all day either. So it was safe to assume that they were all together and Yuta was fine.

Unlocking the door to my home, I stepped in to be greeted by the obnoxious sounds of boys yelling at the television in the living room. I don’t know why I didn’t cross my mind that they were here. But Yuta wasn’t sitting with them.

“Where’s Yuta?” I asked stepping in and taking their attention away from the screen. They all looked at each other, Jaehyun had his usual smirk, whereas Taeyong refused to meet my eyes. And Sicheng’s face had a mixture of two emotions I couldn’t decipher. 

Behind me, the laughter of a girl coming down the stairs was heard. And then the footsteps of whom I assume was Yuta. She stepped into the living room and stopped when she was me. To say the least, she was surprised.

So was I when I scanned her being and saw she sported fresh hickeys on her neck. Close behind her, a shirtless, now brown haired Yuta walked in, with matching marks on his neck. He didn’t bother acknowledging my existence or even sparing me a glance before he addressed his boys.

“I’m going to take her home. I’ll be back.”

He stepped out and went back up to his room to finish getting dressed, I assumed. Watching him leave, I saw how his back had fresh scratches.

The girl and I stared at each other as the boys looked between us.

“Who are you?” She asked me, the nervousness and the clear worry in her voice made me realize that she had no idea what Yuta just did.

“I’m the fiancé of the man that just fucked you in our home.” I answered with a deadpan look. This wasn’t her fault but nonetheless, it still came out harsh and hurt her.

“If you’ll excuse me now.” I announced to no one in particular and retreated into the kitchen, my feet feeling heavier than they ever have in my whole life. I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding.

This hurt. It hurt a lot. In my own home. In our home.

“No, thank you. I can leave on my own. Don’t call me again.” The girl’s loud voice traveled to the kitchen, before the door opened and closed, followed by the teasing laugh of Jaehyun. He was just as bad, if not worse than Yuta.

I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and then went up to my room. Passing the living room, the boys were all back to whatever they were doing before I came home. Yuta sat with them now, his eyes meeting mine when I passed by.

Dropping my gaze, I went up to my room and locked myself in there for the rest of the day. Nothing and everything was running through my mind all at once.

I couldn’t help but think of last night, about what Yuta said, the way he said it and the way he expressed it. He hurt too. He was still hurt and so was I. It just added to the misery that I carried every day since then. But there was nothing I could do, not now and most definitely not then.

My heart and soul were ripped out my body in a way I could never imagine. There were scars I carried on my body that served as a constant reminder of my losses. A broken heart that never healed still bleed the deepest shade of red, every day and night that I lived.


	15. Chapter Fourteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My heart never healed and now I know it never will. For this cut was far too deep for any stitches to ever make a difference. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Yuta and I have not spoken a single word to each other since the day I yelled at him and it’s been two weeks now. Living in the same place as taken its toll on us. We avoid being home as much as possible, whenever I’m there, he’s usually not. And when he’s there, I try my best to not be.

He’s given my space and privacy back for the most part, he doesn’t pester around at the end of the day on campus anymore. During the first lesson, he either doesn’t show up or when he does, I sit in the front of the class. His eyes still burn the back of my head but it’s nothing I can’t handle.

Doyoung has left us, well me. The pain was far too much for him to handle and he just couldn’t do it anymore. He tried hard to maintain the friendship with me but it was no use. There were habits we couldn’t break and work past.

He stopped joining us for lunch and at the parking lot. He maintained his friendships with Hendery and Ten, of course, they were friends long before me and I hoped that would always be the case. I’d give up my boys for their friendship.

For some reason though, he didn’t try at all to make a friendship with Lucas outside of me. Hendery and Ten always tried reassuring me that they were too different to be friends, but I knew them far too well to know that they were lying.

Lucas made his own place in our little group because he never intended filling in the place that was left empty. I felt he was more carefree and just more him now that Doyoung was away from us, from me. And that was weird to notice at first but I just ignored it because I’m sure that wasn’t the case.

As for him and I, we were spending more time together, with the boys and alone. We spent most of the afternoons together away in our little hidden location. After the first time, the hand holding became something frequent till it became a habit. And now whenever we were alone, our hands naturally lace together.

The forehead kisses were my favorite but he didn’t do it often as I’d like him too. Ten and Hendery asked me often, I don’t know if they asked him though, if there was something going on between us or if we liked each other.

My answer was always the same, no there is nothing and no there is no feelings.

I don’t know if I was lying or not to be honest. And I don’t know what he thinks either. We just enjoyed being around each other and the chemistry that’s between us. Now if it was just friend wise or more, I don’t know. But with everything going on, I don’t have the time to even consider thinking about feelings.

The forsaken wedding is to take place in three weeks. I’ve done everything in my power to try and stop it but nothing. In the last two weeks, I have met with my parents and the Nakamaoto’s to convince them in some kind of way to not let this happen. To please stop this and find some other way to get what they want with the company.

But nothing. Even now that I wasn’t with Doyoung, they still threatened his future. Everyone’s was still on the line until the day Yuta and I say, “I do.” There was nothing more I could do, it was all useless.

They have everything sorted already, the day, the venue, the guest list, basically and literally everything. The only thing Yuta and I have to do is, choosing our garments and show up. That is literally it. Everything about this stupid wedding was chosen for us, for me.

Which if I really think about it, that’s fine because I want nothing of mine to be put into a wedding I never wanted and know will never mean anything.

Right now, it was a Monday night and I was sitting in the library looking over a dress magazine, to see if any of them sparked an interest for me. Spoiler alert, they didn’t. How was I supposed to find a dress that did anything for me when I didn’t want to marry?

Being so engrossed in the magazine, I didn’t realize the door was being opened till I heard his voice.

“Jesus, you fucking scared me.” Yuta had his hand to his chest. I looked up from the magazine, our gazes meeting. “Eh, sorry I think?”

“I thought I was home alone. Since all the lights were off when I came home an hour ago.” He explained for me scaring him. He had fully walked in and closed the door before taking a seat in one of the bean bag chairs that was across from me.

He was facing me and all I did was stare at him. This is the most we have looked and talked to each other in the two weeks. So it felt weird and uncomfortable.

“I heard you come home but I assumed you knew I was here since my car is here.”

“Usually your car is but you’re not.” Yuta pointed out, looking at the clothes I wore as my pajamas. A large t-shirt and short shorts that basically did nothing and could wear as underwear if I tried hard enough.

“Oh, well here I am.” I gave him the cat smile and went back to the magazine as he started reading his book. I felt his gaze on me whenever I flipped the page and sighed out loud. There was no dress that called my attention. I don’t think there ever will be.

“Yuta, you keep staring at me like that and one day I might just combust.” I told him not looking up from a dress that seemed to be a little fitting for my liking but not enough. He chuckled and closed his book.

“Sorry, it’s just that, you’re looking at dresses.” He started. “It just makes me realize how much closer it is now.” There was a tone in his voice that made me sad, he sounded almost hopeful.

If only he could remember the times we jokingly promised that someday we would get married, married for real, not because someone was forcing us too. Married because there was love there, real love. The love that filled our hearts with nothing but happiness.

“Unfortunately so. I’m sure they kept you up to date with the all the meetings I’ve had with them about stopping this. Of course to no avail, seeing as I’m looking for a stupid dress.” I sighed and closed the magazine, tossing it to the side. I look at that thing any longer and my head will fall off.

“Do you think you could ever accept this?” He wondered getting up from his seat and taking the seat next to me on the couch.

My feet were resting on the side he sat on but instead of pushing them off, he pulled them onto his lap. He didn’t touch me more after that though, just moved his hands to his side.

His question had me thinking about it longer than I liked. I knew I couldn’t, ever. It was torture living like this, fighting, not speaking for weeks, walking on eggshells on everything I did. This isn’t how I wanted to live and he wasn’t who I wanted to make a future with, not anymore.

He hasn’t been for a long time.

The constant reminder of what we had following me around everywhere I went was too much. The pain and misery I’ve had to endure since this stupid thing happened was unbearable, I could feel my sanity escaping me again.

As much as I wanted too, I couldn’t escape the memories. The dreams started again, every night twisting and turning in my sleep, sweat covering my whole being as the years played themselves over and over again like a broken record.

My heart never healed and now I know it never will. For this cut was far too deep for any stitches to ever make a difference.

“No.” I mumbled pulling my legs off and getting up. “I never will.”

Without looking back, I left the library letting him sit there alone with his own thoughts and emotions. I made it to the bottom of the stairs before I heard Yuta running down the hall to catch up to me.

My foot rested on the first step when his hand landed on my shoulder, turning me around to face him. Looking at him now, he looked tried, like he wasn’t getting much sleep these days. His usual silky skin was pale and washed out. His hair wasn’t as fluffy and full of volume like it normally was. It was flat and oily looking.

What I didn’t know was that, while I was suffering in my own silence and drowning in the memories, he was too. The dreams started to become persistent for him as well. He couldn’t understand what the dreams meant, it didn’t make sense for him to be dreaming about me as much as he was.

Everything he saw, felt real as if it had actually happened, like he lived every moment that was presented to him. But of course, with no memory, how could he know it was real? He was confused and felt like he was losing his own mind.

Yuta started to feel like there was a piece of him missing. He couldn’t understand it but he started to feel things he hadn’t in a long time. He felt like he was starting to have feelings for me and he didn’t like that. Because he didn’t want to do that to himself again.

We confessed to each other in the span of our three month relationship, the months he forgot. After the accident and with his memoires gone, I thought he wouldn’t remember the feelings he had for me. But he did, but never got the chance to tell me.

I erased myself from his life without warning, without reason, without even a small goodbye. I just stopped being there. I acted as if he didn’t even exist in my life anymore.

He suffered on his own for a long time too. Once he was finally moving past the broken relationship, well the version he knew, he got the biggest blow yet. I started dating Doyoung.

Even if it was after three years, his heart ached to know that he wouldn’t be the one to have me, to hold and love me. In his heart, Yuta believed that it should have been him to have me in all my glory first, not Doyoung. And the fact that he wasn’t my first, hurt his pride and ego. And only fueled the hate he had against Doyoung more.

Completely wrong of course, Yuta was and will always be my first. He just, can’t remember it. 

_~ Soon he’ll know the truth. ~_

Yuta wanted me back, no matter how it happened. Even if it meant having to marry, then so be it. He still wanted the company, that was never a doubt but what he wanted most was me. Even if he didn’t have feelings for me at the beginning of this, he still wanted me.

“Why not? Why can’t you accept this?”

The look in his eyes confused me because they looked so hurt and confused. It was weirdly enough tugging at my heart strings and I don’t like that. I don’t ever want to feel what I did again. I can’t. My heart wasn’t for him anymore.

“For reasons you’ll never understand Yuta. I just can’t.” I explained.

His facial expression changed, leaving behind the look hurt and replacing it with anger. “It’s because of Doyoung, isn’t it? Is that why you can’t accept this? Why you can’t accept me?” He hissed through gritted teeth.

I was taken aback by his sudden outburst that I involuntary backed away from him. Doyoung’s name to be dropped in this conversation, wasn’t was I was expecting.

“This has nothing to do with anyone but myself. I told you, I just can’t. Don’t do this right now.” I calmly told him despite feeling my heart pick up speed.

That only seemed to have pissed him off more. “Is he the reason you left me? Is he the reason you just walked out of my life?” Yuta’s voice started to pick up in volume. He ruffled his hair and stepped away from me for a moment just staring at me.

Then and only then is when I finally understood the hurt I caused him. I broke his heart the way he broke mine, neither of us aware that it had even happened.

“What are you even saying? I didn’t know him-“

“Don’t fucking lie to me!” He interrupted me. “You erased me from your life and right after that, you started hanging with him and the other two bozos.”

“Look, I’m not doing this right now. You need to calm down and just I don’t know, sleep or something. You look exhausted Yuta.” I insisted, stepping up the stairs slowly.

Every step I took up, he did too. His eyes became dark and hooded, the anger slowly creeping up on him. Instead of it’s usual fast track attack on his nerves.

I decided to not run but to keep moving away from him, this was becoming too much. We haven’t talked in two weeks and now we were going to end up fighting and arguing again.

By the time I reached my door, he was breathing down on me. I don’t even know how he got right in front of me but here he was. I didn’t dare step into my room, knowing that the next move I took would set him off. So I stayed put staring at his chest while he decided what he wanted to do.

What I didn’t expect was for him to hug me and pull me into him. His body felt overly hot, like he was on fire. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do so I just hugged him back, feeling how his body untensed under my hold. It felt like he was carrying the weight of the world on him.

~_ He was. The weight of the memories slowly making their way back to him. ~_

“I need you.” Yuta whispered in my hair, his hands going down my back to my lower waist before he cupped my ass. “Jump.”

Before I knew it, my legs were wrapped around his waist and my back was against the wall with his face buried in my neck. I tugged at the end of his hair, trying to pull his face away from my neck.

“No marks, please.” I whimpered when he bite into my skin.

“Why not? It wasn’t a problem before. Is there _someone_ that it will bother if there was?” He snapped letting go of me completely. The way he emphasized someone made it clear he was talking about someone specific and I knew exactly who.

Lucas.

This wasn’t a conversation I was ready or willing to have with him, I turned to face my room. He gripped my forearm to stop me, “I wasn’t done.” Whatever he was going through, it was taking its toll on him. It was eating away at him, very slowly.

He pulled me back to him and cupped my face. There was so much going on in his eyes, the emotions swirled around like tornado, none of them stay put for more than a second at a time. He looked so tired, he was so tired.

Yuta took care of me once, so I’ll do it for him once too.

For the first time, I made the move and connected our lips. His response was slow but then he finally reacted the proper way. Pulling him into me by his neck, caught him off guard and we stumbled back into the wall. He laughed into the kiss, “Sorry, I wasn’t expecting that.” He apologized, resting his forehead on mine.

“Let me take care of you tonight, please.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him into his bedroom. He stood in the middle of his room as I pulled the covers of his bed, making it ready for him to crawl into bed. I moved his pillows around, the way I knew he liked them.

“I’m going to take a shower first. I’ll be right back.” He announced, watching me do something he’s felt I’ve done a million times but was sure this was the first time. I hummed nodding my head in response, not looking at him, still doing my thing.

While Yuta stepped out, I just looked around his room. This boy didn’t seem to have changed at all in the years that have passed. His mini bookshelf was filled with the manga’s he liked so much. His desk organized to his liking. Some clothes were scattered around the floor but nothing to messy.

The book on his desk caught my attention, simply because it was one of my favorites. And also, it was my copy that I had left in the library a while ago. I sat in his chair and opened it to where he had last left off.

Wish I hadn’t when a Polaroid of us fell out from in between the pages. Turning the book to face down so he wouldn’t lose his place, I picked up the small rectangle. I had my eyes closed with my hands covering my mouth as Yuta kissed my rosy cheek, a wide and bright smile on his lips.

_“Come on, let me take a picture of us!” Yuta whined pulling my arm. I was in a fit of giggles because of him. Picture taking was never really my thing and now that he wanted to take my picture, made me giddy and shy. _

_“No, I’m shy.” I argued back, trying to pout at him. He squished my cheeks and gave me a peck. “I don’t care, just take one picture with me.” He argued back only causing me to laugh more. He started to just take random pictures of me._

_Flash after flash blinded my vision for a moment so I closed my eyes. He took advantage of the moment and took the picture he wanted. _

_“Yes!” He shouted satisfied with his victory, “I got it. Look, it’s cute.” He shook it a little more and then the picture became clear. “It is cute, I want it.” I said reaching out for it but he took it out of my reach before I was able to get it. _

_“No, this one is mine. You can have this one.” _

_Before I could ask which one, his lips meet mine and the click of the camera went off, followed by the flash. _

Now that I think about it, I have no idea who kept it or where that picture is. The rest of them were with me, I knew that much.

“You know, I don’t remember taking that picture.”


	16. Chapter Fifteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd do everything I could to protect this relationship and him.
> 
> Enjoy!

His voice startled me making me drop the picture. I turned to face him, “Yuta. You scared me.” He sat on his bed, eyeing my reaction like there was something I was hiding. After a second longer of holding his intense stare, I turned back to the book and placed the picture back where it was.

“Sorry, I was just looking at the book. It’s one of my favorites.” I walked over to him and stood in between his legs, moving my hands to wrap around his neck. Yuta placed his hands on my waist, his grip slightly tighter.

“I know. Did you hear what I said? I don’t remember taking that picture of us.”

My body unwillingly tensed, I audibly gulped, “I don’t either actually.” I lied, I knew he knew that I lied. But he didn’t press further and just nodded. We stared at each other for a while before I loudly exhaled.

“You ready for bed?” I questioned, running my hands through his still wet hair. His thumbs caressed the skin on my exposed waist, “Yes.” He answered and got up, hovering over me.

He took my hands out of his hair and wrapped them around his neck. Bending down, enough to grip the back of my thighs and lifted me up, wrapping them around his waist.

Yuta turned us around and laid me gently on the bed, his eyes piercing into mine. His gaze was starting to become more intense as time went on. And that scared me.

He stared like he was trying to piece something together.

He watched my eyes tremble, trying hard to keep his stare. There was so many things running in his mind, so many broken details he couldn’t make sense of. With the way I stared at the picture, he knew that I remembered that picture and most importantly when we took it.

What threw him off even more was finding the one where he kissed me. He couldn’t fucking remember when this happened. Everything was getting more and more confusing to him. It all seemed to go together and yet he knew nothing of it, he didn’t understand how all of it tied together. He was ready to start pulling his hair out at any point now.

“You okay?” I cooed touching his cheek, noticing that he zoned out and was no longer looking at me but through me. He nuzzled into my touch and nodded his head. “Yeah, I was just thinking about something. But doesn’t matter, let’s get comfortable.”

Crawling off of me, Yuta went to turn off his lights and turned on the lamp on his nightstand. It felt weird getting under the covers and then having him do the same. Once we were settled, he reached over and killed the only source of light in his room.

Yuta loved being the big spoon always so my back was currently to him and his arm was draped over my waist, while my head laid on his other arm. He tangled our legs together and held me close to him. My body was overly hyper aware of how close and intimate this felt so I couldn’t sleep.

The lingering touches on my arm let me know that he wasn’t asleep either and we had both been laying here for half an hour almost. Untangling our legs, I turned in his hold to face him. It was pitch black but I was able to make out some of his facial features.

He didn’t say anything and just looked at what he assumed were my eyes, his hand leaving my waist and coming to hold my cheek. Mine left my side and got tangled in his hair, I don’t know what’s wrong with him but he didn’t feel like himself.

We didn’t say anything and just held each other for what felt like forever. I’m not sure who made the first move but our lips ending up meeting, in a slow fiery kiss that made the world melt away. This wasn’t like before, this felt different.

It felt like it needed to mean something.

Yuta rolled over and landed on top of me, one hand on my face and the other holding his weight on the side of my head. Mine like always remained his hair, pulling him in. His hand left my cheek and made their way to the hem of my shorts.

“Princess.”

He trailed kisses down to my neck while his palm cupped my heat. He added pressure causing me to moan into his hair. The cold of his hand slipping into my shorts rose goosebumps on my skin and a shiver to run down my spine.

I tried to hold back the moan that built in my chest when his fingers penetrated me but to no use. He shoved his fingers in, knuckle deep and curled them. My breathing became heavy and before I knew it, I could feel my release nearing.

“Right there, oh my god. Please don’t stop.”

My nails dug into his skin when he started thrusting his fingers faster and much harder, his palm hitting my clit every time. My eyes rolled to the back of my head as the bubble was getting to burst.

“Kiss me while you cum, I want to feel your lips on mine.” Yuta ordered giving my neck a bite that was going to leave a mark. He brought his face to mine and locked lips. All the moans I wanted to let out, he swallowed.

In the middle of the kiss, the coil finally broke and I bite his lip hard enough to taste metal. But he didn’t mind not even a little bit. He helped me ride out my high, lips still on mine till I stopped his hand. Feeling the faint overstimulation start.

“You made me bleed.” Yuta pointed out, rolling off me. I covered my face with my hands, “I’m so sorry.” I sheepishly apologized feeling really embarrassed.

He laughed and took my hands away from my face, “Don’t be. I asked for it.”

“I’m going to be right back, I have to take care of something.” Yuta said getting up from the bed but I stopped him by pulling his wrist. I knew he was going to take care of his hard on, that he was doing nothing to cover up right now, “Wait let me.”

I got up on my knees so I could be eye level with him, “Please.”

“You don’t have too.” He assured me as my hands tangled in his hair placing kisses on his neck. I brought my face back to his, “I know but I want too.” I answered.

Trailing my hands down his body, feeling his toned torso. His skin was hot under my fingertips and it felt good. There was a hint of passion hiding in the atmosphere and it made things seem like something that it wasn’t.

I got off the bed and pushed him down so he could sit at the edge. Once he was sitting, I got kissed down his neck and torso until my knees met the ground. My fingers hooked at themselves to his pj bottoms and pulled them to his ankles.

Much to my surprise, he wasn’t wearing boxers so he sprung free right before my face. My breath hitched forgetting just how big he was. I hate to admit how much the sight of his throbbing dick made my mouth water.

Yuta leaned back on his arms and watched me with hooded lustful eyes.

I wrapped my hand around the base of his cock and spread the precum that was already leaking all over his tip. With the added wetness of my spit I started to pump him a few times.

“Don’t tease.” He groaned when my grip tighten around him. I smirked up at him, “As you wish Nakamoto.”

Fulfilling his wants, I kitten licked his tip before taking him whole in my mouth.

“Shit.”

I bopped my head up and down and pumped what I couldn’t with my hands. He sat back up and held my hair in a makeshift ponytail, trying to keep from thrusting into my mouth. I sucked on his tip, letting my tongue play in his slit.

“Fuck, you’re doing so good princess. Just like that.” Yuta moaned pulling at my hair a little harder. I sank all the way down to the base and swallowed, feeling him twitch when I did.

He couldn’t hold it anymore and let go my hair, pulling me off my knees. He forced me on his lap to straddle him. Everything was happening so fast, I couldn’t comprehend anything until I felt his hand pulling my panties to the side.

“Yuta, no wait-”

The wind was knocked out of me when I felt him push in, filling me up in a way he hasn’t before. My nails dug into his back and teeth sunk into his shoulder. His hand held on to my waist painfully hard, it hurt.

My body was frozen with extreme shock and an overwhelming nostalgia that ran through my veins. Yuta didn’t seem to have noticed when he started to thrust into me. His thrust were hard and desperate for his release.

_Yuta was still in the hospital recovering from the accident. I spent the whole day with him because what else was I supposed to do. I wanted him to remember me. But he wasn’t._

_His phone laid on the side table beside him with a minor crack on it. Carefully I grabbed his phone while he slept and unlocked it. I know I shouldn’t do what I’m about to do but if he saw this, he’d get confused and I wouldn’t be able to explain it. _

_Not without putting the chances of him remembering at risk._

_I went to our texts and held it down to slide to the left. In big black letters ‘**DELETE**’ appeared on the screen. With much hesitation, I pressed down and just like that the conversation was gone. _

_No texts, pictures, notes and lastly my name was no longer princess but just my name. Nothing existed anymore._

_Just like we didn’t. _

“I’m going to cum princess.” Yuta warned me, giving me one last hard thrust. He filled me to the brim with his hot liquid, biting into my shoulder forcing a yelp to leave my chest. 

He released the tight grip he had on my waist and rested his head on my shoulder. His chest was rapidly moving with his heaving breathing. He didn’t seem to care about anything else but himself right now. 

Yuta was never going to change. Everything in his head was always and will always be about him. He didn’t care or even notice the effect this just did to me.

I removed myself from him completely, fixing my clothes. I could feel the way his essences leaked out of me and onto my underwear. The tears burned my eyes as I walked to his door, carefully since I couldn’t see anything.

“Wait, where are you going?” He asked pulling my wrist back to him. I snatched my wrist away from his hold and kept walking without saying a word. “I asked a question, where are you going?” He repeated again walking behind me and placed his hands on my waist.

“Let me go and don’t touch me again.” I sneered. I walked to my room and locked the door. He banged on the door, yelling at me to open it. But it was a waste of breath and energy because I couldn’t hear him.

My sobs were drowning out any and all sound. I had no words or thoughts. It all happened so fast and I didn’t even have time to express how much I didn’t want this to happen. How much I didn’t want him to take me the way that he did.

In the shower, I scratched my skin raw. Trying to take away the burning sensation of his touch on my skin. I cried harder seeing myself and the marks that were on my body. There were light burses on my waist and bite marks on my neck and shoulder.

The clothes I had on me were thrown away because I wanted nothing to do with this night. I wanted to forget it all, I wished it never happen.

The following morning, my legs felt a little sore. I pushed passed it and got ready for classes. Before I walked out of my room, I looked out the window to see if Yuta’s car was there. It wasn’t so I was in the clear.

Half way to campus, I decided that I didn’t want to attend classes so I turned back to go home. Or whatever that place was called. Parked back in the driveway, I just went straight to my room and locked myself in there.

_Buzz! Buzz!_

[Chitapurr to My Sons]: Are you coming in today?

[Foodcas]: Are you okay?

[Donkey]: Do you need anything?

We didn’t use our ‘home skillet biscuit’ chat anymore because Doyoung was still it in. And Hendery and Ten agreed that it would have been weird and kind of awkward if I had taken him out. So instead we just stopped using it.

[Me]: I was on my way there but then I started to feel sick so I just came back to rest. I’ll be fine by tomorrow I promise.

[Me]: I miss ya though.

They told me they missed me too and then we decided that we should hang out soon, outside of school because it’s been a while since we did that. With everything going on in my shitty life, it took away the time to actually see them outside of the hell hole.

_Buzz! _

[Foodcas]: Do need me?

[Me]: Please.

[Foodcas]: Do you want me to go over or do you want to go to mine?

[Me]: Mine, I don’t feel like moving lol.

[Foodcas]: Of course, you’re such a sloth lol but I’ll be there in a bit.

[Me]: Very much so but I’m your sloth so I am okay haha.

[Foodcas]: Wouldn’t want it any other way.

I did my best to cover the mark that was left on my neck, thankfully it wasn’t too deep a shade of purple but nonetheless. Just to be extra sure and careful that Lucas doesn’t see it, I threw on a hoodie.

In the middle of my thinking if I should tell Lucas what happened last night or not, the doorbell rang. I didn’t want to get up because I was really comfy so I just texted Lucas where the spear key was so he could up.

Once I heard the door open and close, I called for him so he could come up to my room.

“Lucas come to my room!” I screeched as loud as I could. His heavy footsteps were getting closer to my room but I still kept yelling for him till my door was thrown open.

“I’m here, please stop making whatever that sound was. Please.” He laughed walking in and closing the door.

I flashed him a smile and laughed, “Just wanted to make sure you heard me so you’d know where I was.” I retorted cuddling myself more into my blankets when he sat near me.

He smiled back at me and caressed my face, “What’s up? Did something happen?” He suddenly got very serious and that made me sad.

All the feelings from last night came up again after I tried pushing them away. It was hard to stay emotionless looking at Lucas. He was my rock and I just couldn’t pretend in front of him. I knew if I told him, there’d be so many problems.

He’d want to fight Yuta and I just don’t want that. I don’t there to be any issues between them that makes living here any harder than it already is. But if I didn’t tell him, I’d lose my mind and suffer alone.

I sighed sitting up, “Yes. I’ll tell you but you have to promise me that you won’t do anything and you’ll just help me get through it. Please Lucas.” I reached for his hand and squeezed it.

Lucas looked skeptical as he let me take his hand, “I don’t like the sound of that at all. But I’ll try my best.” He returned the squeeze.

The words flowed out and before I knew it, I was in tears. Crying loud and hard, recalling the details of that moment but also of the memories that followed.

To say that Lucas was livid would be an understatement. If we were in a cartoon, smoke would be coming out his ears and his head would be swollen and red. There was so much rage in his eyes it was almost scary.

“I’m going to kill him. I’m going to kill him in cold blood for putting his hands on you (Y/N).”

The words made my body jump at his and hug him as tight as my body would allow it, “Please, you promised.” I cried into his shoulder.

He pushed me away gently and paced back and forth for a minute without saying anything. He was trying to think of words to say but also trying to calm down from the rage that was running through his veins at a dangerous rate.

“How do you not want me to do anything about this? Am I supposed to sit here and watch you suffer like this every day and do nothing about it (Y/N)?!” Lucas raised his voice ever so slightly. I know it wasn’t towards me but it still made me flinch.

Once he saw me flinch, all the anger washed out of him and concern took over. He came back to me and took me in his arms, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice. I’m not angry at you.”

“It’s okay. I know it wasn’t towards me.”

We pulled away and looked at each other. There was so much emotion in his eyes and it made me feel warm because there was so much care in them. And I knew that all of it was towards me and it was as sincere as it could get.

“Lay with me please.” I pulled the covers off myself and patted the empty space next to me. He smiled and kicked off his shoes.

Once he was settled in, we cuddled into each other. He threw his hands over my waist and I rested my head on his chest, our other hands were laced together resting on his stomach.

“I don’t want to see you hurt like this anymore (Y/N). I care for you more than anything and it breaks my heart knowing that you’re hurting and there’s nothing I can do.” Lucas admitted playing with my hair.

A heavy sigh left my body and I squeezed his hand, “I’m sorry for putting you through this. I know it’s a lot. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m sorry.” I apologized hiding my face in his chest.

“There’s nothing you should be apologizing for, you did nothing wrong. And it’s a lot yes but I told you before and I’ll tell you again. I will be here with you through everything and we will work past it together. I promise.” He vowed.

The sincerity in his voice told me that this was the real deal. My heart fluttered in my chest at his words and it felt like things were going to be okay.

With Lucas at my side, I knew I had nothing to worry about. He was the peace I was looking for and he made me feel complete. He was picture prefect and I’d do everything I could to protect this relationship and him.


	17. Chapter Sixteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You couldn't change things that were already set in stone.

Lucas and I took a small nap together after the conversation we had. It felt good sleeping with someone again, being wrapped in the warmth was more than words could describe. But I think it mostly had to do with the fact that it was Lucas.

Waking up to him playing with my hair and smiling down at me made me blush and shy away from him. He chuckled and pulled me closer to him, “You’re so beautiful.”

“Stop, don’t say that. You’re going to make me blush.” I whined into his chest. I could hear his heartbeat speed up at the sound of my laugh, I felt relived because mine did the same.

“Good, you look even more beautiful when you blush.”

I laughed and pushed away from him to get off the bed, “You’re so cheesy.” I teased.

We were in kitchen and I was sitting near the island watching him cook or at least attempt too. But it was going terrible, the alarms have gone off at least two times now.

“I don’t think you’re doing that right Lucas. You sure you don’t want my help?” I offered coming up behind him to see what he was doing. I couldn’t help but laugh at his burnt eggs.

“No just give me a second, I know it got this.” He insisted with a chuckle rumbling in his chest. I laughed and just hugged him from behind, trying to rest my chin on his shoulder.

I pulled away from him when suddenly the front the door was thrown open and then slammed shut. This couldn’t be good. Yuta wasn’t supposed to be home for another three hours. Why was he here so early?

Lucas turned off the stove and his body tensed, anger radiating off his whole being. He hid me behind his back and balled up his first and was ready to lunge at Yuta when he appeared at the door way.

Just by looking at Yuta, it was clear that he was just as infuriated. His eyes were dark and I know he only saw red right now. The both of them stood there throwing daggers at each other with their eyes.

“Why the fuck is he in my house and alone with you?” Yuta sneered balling up his own fist. Yuta had finally had enough. He was tired of me not listening to him and breaking every rule he threatened me with.

“I can be wherever I want to. Especially here because she’s living with someone as pathetic as you.” Lucas shot back.

Yuta’s laugh came out more malicious than I ever heard it be and that scared me. Lucas took a step forward and so did Yuta. This was too much for me. I could feel the anxiety creeping up on me. It was starting out slow.

“I told you to stay away from her, not once but twice. The third time I take action.”

Yuta suddenly lunged at Lucas, throwing a punch right on his jaw. Lucas was taken aback for a second before he composed himself and threw a hit back. The both of them were on the floor, throwing hits left and right.

“STOP!” I yelled. “Yuta, Lucas, stop!” I shouted louder. They rolled around the floor, blood covering their fist and faces. One moment Lucas was on top, the next Yuta was. They were making a mess of red on the floor.

“Yuta! Please stop.” I begged him trying to pull at his arms to get him off Lucas, who was laying under him. He threw his arm back aggressively the moment I pulled his arm and elbowed me in the face.

The blow was hard and sent me back, hitting my back on the corner of the island. I cried in pain, holding my nose when I hit the floor. A sharp pain spread through my whole back and it was hard to breathe for a moment.

Lucas threw a punch at Yuta hard enough to knock him off him, “You fucking hit her!” He shouted at him, coming to where I was on the floor.

Yuta ignored the way Lucas was hovering over me and tried to reach for me but Lucas stopped his hand from touching me, “Don’t you fucking dare touch her again. Especially not in my presences.” Lucas warned him, throwing his hand away from me.

“Can you get up?” Lucas asked me, wiping away my tears. I nodded no, scared to speak right now. Lucas picked me up bridal style and took me to my room. Somewhere in the process of me being lifted, Yuta left, like always.

Up in my room, Lucas laid me down on my bed where I winced at the pain my back felt. He went to my bathroom and got a wet cloth to wipe my face clean from my blood. My nose wasn’t broken but man did that elbow to my face hurt.

“Are you okay?” I asked reaching for his face. He winced when I touched his cheek where a bruise was starting to settle. Even in his pain, he still smiled at me.

He finished cleaning my face and placed the dirty cloth to the side, “I’m fine, don’t worry about me. How are you? Does your back hurt a lot?” He asked sitting next to me.

“Just a little, I feel a sharp pain right now but that’s because the corner hit my spine directly.” I explained to him, looking at his face.

“Can you bring me a clean wet cloth please?”

Lucas nodded and went to get a new one from my bathroom. Soon enough he came out with a new one and handed it to me, taking his place next to me again.

I sat up and reached for his face to clean his the same way he had for me moments before. I smiled at him, “Thank you for defending me. I just wished it hadn’t happened.”

“I know but I just couldn’t stop myself. I saw him and everything you said to me earlier just made my blood boil. I lost it, I’m sorry.” He apologized.

Lucas was willing to go above and beyond for me and I was so grateful for that, he made my heart full and feel at peace. I didn’t want to think that there was something between us I had to worry about but now I was scared that maybe I did.

“Don’t apologize please. I should be the one apologizing to you. For this, I’m so sorry.” I started to ramble feeling sad that this happened to him because of me.

He cupped my face and pulled it to him so our foreheads could be resting against each other, “I told you this morning and I’ll tell you again. There is nothing you have to be sorry about. I’m here with you through thick and thin.” He assured me.

“There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you (Y/N) and I mean that wholeheartedly.”

We held the position we were in for a long time, it felt like time had stopped and it was just us. Nothing and no one else mattered. It was just Lucas and I. Our eyes were scanning each other’s like there was something that needed to be said.

“Are you sure you don’t want to sleep over at my place tonight?” Lucas asked for like the millionth time as he got ready to leave my home. It was almost midnight and since Yuta wasn’t home, he felt a little scared that something could happen to me.

I pulled him into a hug at the front door, “Lucas, I’m going to fine. I promise. Please, don’t worry. If he isn’t home by now then he won’t come back till at least tomorrow or the following day.” I assured him knowing Yuta’s pattern by now.

“Fine but if anything just call me. Please.” He insisted not wanting to let me go. I laughed and nodded okay. He let me go and stepped outside into the night. I stood at the door, watching him get into this car and drive away.

My back wasn’t hurting as much anymore but there was a huge ugly bruise where the corner hit me. And my nose was okay too and thankfully didn’t bruise. That was gift from god because I didn’t want to have to make up lies on what happened to me.

The kitchen was still a mess and because I wasn’t tired, I decided to clean it now rather than later. The dried blood was starting to lightly stain the floor and I didn’t want that kind of reminder in this house.

Not that it would make it any easier to live in. The walls were already tainted way before today. They became tainted the moment Yuta and I stepped foot into this place. Nothing about this place made it easy to live.

Nothing would ever change that, it would just get worse and worse.

_~ Three weeks later ~_

My hair was curled and flowing down my shoulders, a crown with the veil attached to it at the top of my head. The dress was snug against my figure. The lace sleeves covering my arms. My shoulders exposed from the off the shoulder [wedding dress](https://www.queenabelle.com/cathedral-train-ball-gown-long-sleeves-off-the-shoulder-tulle-wedding-dresses-po16033po1263.html) I was wearing.

The train of the dress behind me, making me look as elegant as I ever have. The middle of my dress covered in small jewels that glistened in the light. My eye [make-up](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/604749056191529968/?lp=true) was done in hues of brown to make my eyes pop just a bit. And my lips were painted a dark red to tie it all together.

My [nails](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/451978512599818188/) were painted blue with blue gems adorning some, to be my something blue. Because I would have been damned if I had made any real effort to find something of value. And lastly the stupid engagement ring was still on my finger, ready to be joined by the second ring. 

I stood in the room, looking at myself in the mirror. Hating everything I saw. I wanted to rip the stupid dress off me and throw the bouquet of flowers far away from me. I wanted to wash my face clean of all the makeup on it. And dye my hair back to its purple color instead the light brown they forced me to wear.

_Knock! Knock!_

“Go away! I don’t want to see anyone!” I shouted, I wanted to be left alone until I had no other choice but to leave this damned room. I wanted no one to see me like this till I had no other option.

The door cracked open and Lucas’s head popped in. He smiled at me and came in, followed by Hendery and Ten.

“Well damn, don’t you guys look stunning as hell.” I teased.

The boys were dressed in all black tuxes with their hairs gelled back exposing their foreheads. The material of the blazers adapting to their muscles so well, it looked like it was hugging their bodies perfectly. They wore no ties and had the first two buttons undone, exposing a tiny bit of their chests. 

“If this wasn’t my wedding and you guys weren’t my friends, I would have done everything to bone you all.” I joked admiring how amazing they looked right now.

The room filled with their laughs, “If you weren’t our friend, I’m sure we would have tried to take you from the groom.” Hendery played along with my joke.

“But really, you look amazing (Y/N). And I’m not just saying that.” Lucas chimed in. Hendery and Ten looked at him and narrowed their eyes playfully.

His compliment made me blush and I thanked him shyly.

“How are you feeling?” Ten asked, the atmosphere got really dark and sad after his question. Everyone in the room had frowns and broken hearts laying in their chest.

I wanted to cry but my make-up would run so I couldn’t, instead I just gave a weak smile.

Someone knocked on the door and Hendery went to answer it. They gave him some kind of order and then left. He turned and by the look on his face, I knew that it was time.

Instead of having girls for my bridesmaids, I asked the boys to be at my side during this moment. I didn’t have female friends anyway and I wasn’t going to ask some random’s to be there.

The three of them huddled around me and gave me a group hug, with silent promises filling the air that everything was going to be okay. They were at my side though this and they would always be no matter what. Now and forever.

Hendery and Ten went out to join whatever mess was happening so they could take their places. Lucas was to join them too but he wanted to have a moment with me before I was to walk down the aisle.

I kept staring at myself in the mirror because I couldn’t believe that this was happening. I was getting married to Yuta. My heart felt so heavy in my chest and there was so many tears I wanted to shed, but had to hold in.

There was nothing more I could have done to stop this. I got on my knees in front of our parents and begged them with tears streaming down my face to please not do this. To please let this end right here and not continue any further.

But they didn’t care, they looked me in the face with my teary eyes and told me that this was going to happen and that there was no way of changing what was already set in stone.

The company was more important than what I felt. The future of the people I loved were on the line still. But today that would end because here is where I said, ‘I do.’

Yuta didn’t come home for the first week after the accident with Lucas. At first I was worried but then he texted me for the first time in forever and told me he was staying with Sicheng for a bit. I didn’t ask questions and just said okay.

I didn’t care where he was, at least he was safe.

After he came home the second week, things were weird and awkward whenever we were in the same room for too long. He eventually found me in the library and gave me the best half ass apology he could have given me for elbowing me in the face.

Things were somewhat decent between us after that. Occasionally we would be in the library at the same time with no words being spoken, just the sound of pages being flipped.

Every night for the past week, I’m sure he’s heard me cry about today. He knew about the visits with our parents and he did nothing to stop this.

“You really do look beautiful.” Lucas complimented me again, walking up behind me. Our eyes met through the mirror and we smiled at each other. He placed his hands on my waist and turned me to face him.

He pressed his forehead against mine, “Man, if I could kidnap you right now. I would in a heartbeat.”

My hands went up to his neck and held him, this was a common thing for us now. In the last three weeks we’ve grown a lot closer, he spent days in and days out with me. He set up little ‘dates’ for us like the first time. Each one more memorable than the last.

The conversation of our feelings lingered in the air for a long time, until now.

Until right now in this very moment.

“I need you to know before you walk down that damned aisle that I like you and so fucking much. Probably since the first day I met you. And I need to do this now.”

There was no more hesitation like before when we stood this close to each other. Our eyes closed and for the first time, our lips met. The softness of his lips against mine, made me want to melt away in his arms forever.

We pulled away for air and shared a moment of silence, the look in eyes was enough to tell me that I wasn’t the only one who felt the fireworks go off.

The fireworks went off in my heart. The warmth that took over my body and the feelings that I never thought I would feel again erupted in the depths of my soul.

“I like you too Lucas.”

A knock on the door made us jolt away from each other and make a distance between us. My dad came in and looked at us. He narrowed his eyes at Lucas as if he was suspicious about something.

“Shouldn’t you be outside already?” My dad questioned him.

“I was just leaving actually. (Y/N), I’ll see you outside.” He gave me one last tight hug, “I wish it was me instead.” He whispered in my ear and left.

The door closed and I turned away from my dad to fix myself in the mirror. A disgusting amount of hate came up looking at myself like this.

“You look so beautiful my dear.” My dad complimented me but I didn’t say anything in return. I didn’t even look at him. I wanted nothing to do with this man right now. He was practically selling me away for the sake of the fucking company.

The music started to play and that was my cue.

We walked outside and linked arms. We walked to the end of the aisle and I looked at everyone who stood there right now. I didn’t recognize a single soul, maybe just the people from work.

I held onto the bouquet for dear life as we walked down the aisle to Yuta. He stood there shining in his beautiful glory, wearing his black and white suit. He changed the color of his hair to sliver to match my dress. It was gelled back also exposing his forehead.

Yuta shed crocodile tears and sported a killer smile as he watched me walk down to him. My eyes met with the boys and that was a mistake. I could see the pain in theirs just like they could see mine.

Taking a deep breath, I blinked away the tears that burned my eyes when we reached Yuta. He came down and my dad unlinked our arms and placed my hand in Yuta’s.

“Take good care of her Yuta.”

“I will like my life depends on it Mr.(L/N).”


	18. Chapter Seventeen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone I loved more than life itself.

Everyone sat in silence as they watched my life be given away for the sake of a company I wanted nothing to do with anymore, I wanted none of this. I wanted to get up and run, run so far away from here and never look.

Start a new life somewhere else, I didn’t care where. Hide in the depths of the world and have no one find me ever again. I didn’t want to care who suffered because of my actions but I did. The boys had no reason to suffer because of me.

“If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”

Yuta’s eyes left mine and darted behind me, to where Lucas was. No sound came from anywhere in the space we stood in, almost felt like we were waiting for someone to object but no one did. Even if they wanted too, they didn’t.

_“I’ll object when the time comes.” Lucas told me while we sat in my living room watching a movie. We weren’t talking about the wedding but a scene had come up and he couldn’t help himself but say it. _

_I smiled and looked up at him from where I was laying on his lap, “I know you would.” _

_He ran his fingers through my hair and I tried hard not get sleepy but no use, my eyes closed and drifted into sleep. _

_“I want you to be with me.”_

We stood hand in hand, looking at each other waiting to recite the vows that would bring us closer to the ‘I do.’

“I, Nakamoto Yuta, take thee, (Y/N) (L/N), to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

He finished with a big wide smile, showing off his pearly whites, giving my hands a squeeze. My heart felt heavy and the tears kept burning my eyes. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words after him. I looked at him, hoping he’d see my pain and not make me do this.

Yuta saw it, he saw it clear as day and he didn’t care. This wasn’t about him, me or about us. It was about the company he wanted and he didn’t care what he had to do to get it. He was going to have it and it was going to be under our names.

“Now for the bride to say her vows.” The officiator announced before repeating them.

The tears I was trying hard to keep in, slid down my cheeks slowly, “I, (Y/N) (L/N), take thee, Nakamoto Yuta, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

To everyone the tears represented joy and love, for the wedding and for the man in front of me. Their ‘awes’ were filled with emotion when Yuta wiped them away and warmly smiled at me. What they didn’t see was his eyes filled with warnings and threats to keep it together.

“In front of everyone here today, do you Yuta, take (Y/N) as your beloved wife, to have and to hold, through laughter and in sadness, through challenges and successes, so long as you both shall live?”

“I do.”

“In front of everyone here today, do you (Y/N), take Yuta as your beloved husband, to have and to hold, through laughter and in sadness, through challenges and successes, so long as you both shall live?”

Everyone was set free from the hold our parents had on their lives. Doyoung will thrive in his business, Hendery will do well and publish his books. Ten will open many art galleries. And Lucas will do whatever his heart desires with ease and peace.

“I do.”

We turned to get the damned rings we were supposed to put on each other to tie this thing together. When I did, I made eye contact with Lucas, he looked hurt and angry. So did Hendery and Ten, I know more than anyone, that they wanted to destroy this place and burn it to the ground till it was ash.

“I, Yuta, give you, (Y/N) this ring as an eternal symbol of my love and commitment to you." He took my left hand and placed it on the finger that held the engagement ring. I hated that both of the rings were beautiful as could be.

“I, (Y/N), give you, Yuta this ring as an eternal symbol of my love and commitment to you." I placed the ring on him with shaking hands and empty words that would hold meaning to any of either of us, not here and not later.

They were words filled with lies and pain, a past that never came to life. And it weighed down my heart because this could have been us, for real. If the past we had was still a thing, we could be right here saying these words with meaning.

Our little baby could have been part of this and best of all, we would have had our baby. Our little person that was both of us in one.

But that wasn’t the case. This was just another thing that reminded me of that day, that fucking day of the accident. It took everything away from me and now life was giving it all back in the most horrible painful way possible.

“I pronounce you, Yuta and (Y/N) as husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.”

Yuta pulled me by the hands to him, wrapped his hand around my waist and the other behind my head and kissed me. It was soft and tender, with emotion only one of us felt.

We pulled away with the officiator presenting us, “Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great honor that I officially present to you Mr. Nakamoto and Mrs. (L/N).”

The applauses were energetic and loud, everyone cheered for their new bosses to be. We walked down the aisle hand in hand, faking smiles and happiness.

Everything was going as planned until we got home after the reception.

“You can cry to hearts content now princess.” Yuta jeered once we stepped foot into our home. He sat in the living room with a smirk on his face staring at me in the hallway. 

I balled up my fist and threw the bouquet at him, hitting him in the face, “I fucking hate you. Every little bit of you!” I yelled at him. 

He laughed and picked up the flowers from the floor when they bounced off his face. Even though he laughed, his eyes held the anger of the world and he tried hard not to lash out but he couldn’t help it when I kept yelling at him.

“I hate you! You ruined my life! You forced me into a marriage I didn’t want for a company I don’t want!”

Yuta stood in front of me, breathing down on me. I didn’t even realize I was hitting his chest, balling my eyes out until his firm grip was on wrist holding them still.

“You don’t think I hate you too?” He yelled at me, holding my wrist much tighter it started to hurt.

“You think you’re the only suffering right now? You don’t think you ruined my life too (Y/N)? If for even a second, you opened your eyes and stopped thinking about yourself only, you’d fucking see that this hurt me too.” He yanked my wrist away from him and pushed me to the side.

He was getting ready to go up the stairs when I spoke words I shouldn’t have. But I was furious and hurt, my filter stopped functioning and they came out without even being processed.

“You don’t hate me! You never fucking have! And you never will!”

He turned to me and dryly chuckled, “You know nothing about me. You are no one to make ridiculous assumptions like that. And I suggest that for your well-being, you stop talking.”

I knew he didn’t because he used to look at me like that before, he carried the same spark and the same light in his eyes now that he did eight years ago.

Yuta fell in love with me again.

_He never fell out of love (Y/N)._

“You love me and it kills you that I don’t. I could never love you back! That’s why you didn’t stop this!” I screamed with such volume it hurt my vocal cords. The words came out with such bitterness that each one felt like a knife against his skin.

The back of his hand met my cheek and it sent me to the ground, “You’re already my wife, I don’t need you to love me.” He threw the bouquet at me like I had done so to him earlier.

After that he carried on up to his room and slammed the door. I stayed on the ground where I was in tears, holing my cheek. I couldn’t think of anything, there was nothing to think about.

What was done, was already done. 

That same night, the wedding dress I was wore was set on fire in the backyard. Till it turned to ash with the bouquet of stupid flowers that I didn’t even like. The neighbors looked out the window and told me they were going to call the police, I told them to do so.

They never did.

As it burned, I looked up to Yuta’s window. He stood there shirtless with no emotion or expression on his face, eyes pitch black. Looking down at the scene below, the reds and oranges lit up his face and made him look like what he really was.

The devil.

That was the night that changed everything from bad to worse to a nightmare.

Every night after that turned into a screaming match between the two of us. Whether we were home alone or not. When we were alone, we would yell till a door was slammed shut or one left the house all together. It often ended with someone slamming a door.

When his friends were home, we yelled at each in a different room until Sicheng came and separated us with the help of Taeyong.

Jaehyun enjoyed the show like the madman he was and did nothing, ever.

Tonight was no different, we were in the kitchen having the pettiest fight known to man. About the smallest and most insignificant thing possible. It was almost childish how this happened every night for the past two weeks.

It started when he came home with his friends and I was in the kitchen and just happened to be with Lucas. He left them in the living room when he heard our laughs carry.

“You’re here again Wong.” Yuta sneered when he stepped in and went to the fridge.

“Unfortunately so are you. Come on Lucas, let’s go to my room.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him with me. What set Yuta off was when he placed his hand on my waist, to follow me out.

“Get your hand off her, would you?” Yuta ordered from the sink, maintaining his distance to avoid what happened last time in this very kitchen.

Lucas was about to answer when I cut him off, “Fuck off, would you?” I snapped turning to face him. I pulled Lucas again and started walking to the door.

“Don’t start this again princess.” Yuta called out before we made it out the door. I turned around to face him just to see he was much closer than before.

“Me? Don’t you start again with your unnecessary bullshit Nakamoto.”

He threw his head back in a laugh and looked at me again. His eyes went down to where Lucas’s and I hands were laced together, it happened all the time without us noticing at this point.

“Must I remind you, you’re married Mrs.Nakamoto.” He mocked. Now it was my turn to laugh, “You’re mother isn’t here jackass. I would never change my name, especially not to yours.” 

“Don’t forget that I didn’t want this stupid marriage to happen so don’t sit here expecting me to respect because I won’t, _ever_.” I informed him.

Mentioning how much I despised the wedding and everything that came with it, always struck a nerve with him. Sure, doing so would provoke him, but I didn’t care. He did everything possible to remind me of the ring on my finger, so I returned the favor by reminding him how much I didn’t want it.

The night of our wedding, we swore to each other we would stop at nothing to make the others life a living nightmare. We weren’t happy so neither would the other and that was a promise we were willing to keep, no matter what the outcome would be.

Yuta took a step closer to me and that’s when Lucas got in the middle of us. He hid me away behind him and looked at Yuta, “That’s enough, the both of you.”

“You don’t tell me what do to.” Yuta argued back with a pointed finger.

Lucas turned his head to the side and took a deep breath before he answered, “I’m not going to stay here and argue with you. (Y/N), let’s go.” He turned around and took me out of the kitchen.

In hall we crossed with Taeyong who gave us a cat smile and kept walking, he was more likely on his way to stop the arguing himself.

We went up the stairs and into my room, he closed the door and cupped my face, “Why do you chose to argue with him like that baby?”

I pulled away and rolled my eyes, “Because he infuriates me. I hate him.” I whined and crossed my arms. Lucas walked over to me and hugged me, “I know you do but please don’t do it when I’m here because I won’t hesitate to beat him up.”

Lucas and I have been exploring the feelings we confessed to having the day of my wedding. It’s been such a breath of fresh air since that day, at least in just that aspect. Things have so far been amazing and caring. From both ends.

Things were starting to process between us, nothing sexual has happened yet and that was fine. We weren’t rushing it, it wasn’t a big thing for us yet. We just wanted to keep getting to know each other.

There was a lot to cover on his side just because it was mostly about me since the start. I learned about his heartaches, his favorites and family. It felt nice starting to get to know someone from the beginning again. And I’m happy that it was with Lucas.

We did have a talk with Hendery and Ten about it because they were such close friends of ours, mine especially. They gave us their blessing and wished us the best, partly because they already thought something was happening between us way before it had even started.

I did ask of them to not mention it to Doyoung, because I wanted to be the one to tell him.

Even though we haven’t spoken in a very long time, I still held that respect for him and the relationship that we had. He did as well actually because the day that I told him about Lucas and I, he ended up telling me he also wanted to tell me about a girl he was starting to see.

We ended up staying at the café for a while, talking and filling each other in on what’s been going on in our lives. I filled him from the last time we spoke till I got married to Yuta. He told me about going house hunting because he outlived his current home.

Doyoung couldn’t help but joke about his how his ring was much nicer and better than the one I had on my finger, we had a big laugh about that. I offered to give back the ring but he kindly declined and told me to keep it.

“Even though you never got to wear it the way I wanted you too, we wanted you too, it’s still yours. It’s still the ring I wanted to marry you with and it fits you better than it will fit on any other finger in this world (Y/N).”

My heart strings were tugged at and I couldn’t help but tear. He still carried the hurt of our broken relationship and I did too. But we agreed that maybe things were better this way.

We had gone back to his place for a box of my belongings, which was really just clothes. I know I could have just told him to throw them out but a part of me wanted to go back to the place I called home for the four years we were together. 

Walking into the house felt surreal. Everything was still the same and yet somehow, not? It’s only been two months since the last time I was here and everything felt foreign.

The walls didn’t have our pictures anymore or mine, they were just blank. The living room didn’t seem to have the same light like it used too before. And his room, really struck me hard.

He rearranged it and everything was moved from its place. The only thing that was still the same was the little picture of us that he kept at his nightstand.

I went over to look at it, “You still have this.” I mumbled picking it up.

“I wanted to have at least one memory of us.” Doyoung whispered in my ear behind me. His hands felt like fire on my waist. His front was pressed against my back and his lips found my shoulder.

“Don’t you?” He asked, biting down on my shoulder and then moving his mouth to my neck, where he left wet kisses and licks, careful not to leave any marks. One of his hands moved to the front of my jeans, stroking in between my legs.

Maybe this was the real reason why I wanted to come back here, maybe this was the last time I wanted for me, for us. To have one last moment with someone I loved more than life itself at some point. 

“I do, yes.” I answered, moving his hands inside my pants.

That was the last time we shared as one.

Doyoung still loved me and cared for me in way he couldn’t word and to be honest, I did too. Maybe it wasn’t the way we had before but I still loved and cared for him.

Nothing and no one would ever take away from what we had.

And that was a secret we’d carry forever between us.


	19. Chapter Eighteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should have known nothing about him or his reaction was normal. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_~ A month later ~ _

I was getting ready for bed when the door bell was rung. I reached over for my phone to check the time, it was two in the morning. Who the hell was knocking on my door at this time?

The ringing kept going on, not with urgency but nonetheless, I was scared. The one night Yuta had to fucking go out, really. With caution I made my way down to the door, holding a bat just in case.

Whoever it was stopped ringing the doorbell and started knocking with their fist, “(Y/N)! Open the door, it’s Jaehyun.”

Now knowing who it was scared me more. What the hell was he doing here? I looked through the peephole and saw that he wasn’t alone. He was holding up Yuta who seemed to be out of it and Taeyong standing close by.

Once I opened the door, the smell of a bar invaded my nose and made my face scrunch up, “Jeez you guys fucking reek.” I moved aside so Jaehyun could walk in with a very drunk, basically passed out Yuta hanging off his side.

“That’s all him. We’re going to take him up to his room.” Taeyong answered while Jaehyun was already going up the stairs, I just shrugged and followed behind them leaving the bat near the door.

I watched from the door as they set Yuta down on his bed and turned him to the side, in case he had to vomit later on. “Why did he drink so much?” I asked.

No one answered. Taeyong avoided my stare and Jaehyun looked right at me and smirked.

“Please try to take care of him (Y/N), don’t let him accidentally choke on his own vomit or something.” Taeyong walked over to me and placed his hand on my shoulder, “Don’t fight with him too much. It’s not good for either of you.” He smiled sincerely.

I smiled back the best that I could, “That’s mission impossible but I’ll try _very_ hard.” He chuckled and gave me a hug, I hugged back.

After the constant and never ending arguments between Yuta and me, Taeyong came to comfort me one day. Something about him being there for me gave me the understanding that he knew just how much I didn’t want this. 

He became a friend after coming to me whenever Yuta would walk out. It was a slow process but here we were. I wouldn’t trust him to the extent like I do others but he was still good company to have around the house.

“We’ll pass by tomorrow to see how he’s doing.” Jaehyun rolled his eyes at us and shimmed past us at the door.

They both started walking down the hall and I walked into the room, taking a seat next to Yuta’s knocked out body. I watched and looked at him for what seemed like a long time.

“Oh Yuta, why did you drink so much now? What goes through that head of yours?” I started brushing my fingers through his hair, just letting a moment pass. This was probably the only time I would actually be able to talk to him.

He was knocked the fuck out but still, there’s words that I need to say, even if he can’t hear them. “You have no idea how much this hurts me still, to be able to call you my husband and actually fucking hate it with my whole being.”

“This was supposed to the future we wanted with our son. Deep down, I know we would have had a little boy.” I paused and took a deep breath to stop the tears that wanted to come up at the mention of the child we didn’t have.

“He would have gotten your hot tempered personality and hair. The rest would have been all me.” I laughed imagining how that would have been like.

“Could you imagine, having a little us running around these halls? That would have been amazing, I would have loved that little bean more than anything in this world.”

I pushed the hair away from his face, “You’ll never understand the pain I felt when I walked into your room and you didn’t even know I was in that accident with you. Or what I felt when they told me I was a month pregnant and had miscarried.”

“This is the real reason why I couldn’t and can’t accept our marriage, because it’s a constant reminder of what I lost.” 

The all too familiar warmth slid down my cheeks, “To know that you lost the memories of us, of me, broke my heart Yuta. I just wanted you to love me again, like I loved you then. We should have had all of this but for real.”

A weep fell past my lips, making me aware that I was heavily crying. There was still so much emotions that I carried in the depths of my soul, I’m sure that even in five years from now, I’d still cry. 

I sat in his room, petting his head for another five minutes in silence when I decided to go down to the kitchen for a bottle of water and into my room for painkillers, knowing he wouldn’t have any because he never does.

When I went back to his room with the things in hand, he was still laying the way I left him. I placed the remedy for his headache on his nightstand and looked at him, he still had his shoes on. Knowing he wouldn’t even know this happened, I went over to remove them.

He should at least be comfortable in the morning, I told myself as I untied his shoes and placed them down. In the midst of me doing so, he started shuffling around, scaring me.

“Hmm?” He groaned, moving to curl himself into a ball and cover his head with a pillow. Watching him do so made me giggle, I covered him with his blanket and took the pillow away from his face.

“The trash is right there if you need it, bone head. Sleep tight.” I whispered to him knowing he couldn’t hear me. I know I shouldn’t have but it was the only opportunity I saw to be able to do it one last time on my terms.

I pushed his hair out of his face and leaned over to place a chaste kiss on his lips. This time, it felt different than all the other times. It felt like before, it felt like when there was love. 

But there couldn’t be, not again. Too much has happened for that, to start from zero isn’t something I wanted.

The next morning, I was in the kitchen making breakfast when I heard groaning come from the hallway. I knew it was Yuta but still, when he walked in it still surprised me. We looked at each other for five long seconds and then he looked away. He didn’t say anything and walked over to the fridge.

“Thank you for last night.”

I froze and looked at him wide eyed, “What do you mean?”

He looked at me and cocked a brow, “For the water and pills? I figured it would have been you.” He stared at me with intense eyes, trying to read me.

“Oh. Oh yeah! Um yeah, Ty and Jaehyun dropped you off last night. You reeked of liquor.” I answered him with uneven breathes for a second. He nodded and took a seat at the opposite side of the island from me.

Turning to continue with my breakfast, I felt his eyes on my back. I would so much rather be fighting than to have him stare at me like this, “What?” I asked turning around to meet his gaze.

“What?” He repeated like he didn’t hear me just say that to him.

“You’re burning a hole into my back Nakamoto. Stare any harder and I was going to burst into flames.” I joked turning around again, this time I didn’t feel the burning gaze.

He chuckled, “Sorry, I was just got lost in thought.” He answered but said nothing more after that. It was oddly quiet, way too quiet. No one was saying anything and the air didn’t feel as heavy as it always did.

For the first time in two months since we got married, we were in the same room and not arguing, bickering or throwing hurtful words at each other, we were just quiet. If a pin was dropped, we would hear when it hit the floor.

Since I’m assuming he was going to stay in the kitchen with me, I grabbed two plates to serve breakfast. He watched me move around some more and then place the plate of food in front of him. I took the seat opposite of him and said nothing.

Yuta gave me a small smile with a nod and started to eat. When he looked down at the food, I smiled back and began eating.

This is what we should have been like if we had gotten married for real.

We finished eating in silence and he offered to wash the dishes, I wasn’t one to say no so I let him be and left to be in the living room. I sat on the couch and turned the tv on, decided to watch a show. No more than fifteen minutes later, Yuta walked in.

He stood at the end of the couch and looked at me, “May I join you?” He asked, scratching the back of his neck. I narrowed my eyes at him, “If you don’t argue or fight with me, sure. If you plan on doing that, leave now because I want to enjoy my morning.” I warned him.

Smiling, he nodded, “No fights, I promise.” He took a seat on the other end of the couch and sat through the first episode without saying a word. A laugh or two left him when a joke was made but aside from that he didn’t do much.

It felt weird sitting here and being normal with each other, like we haven’t spent literally the last sixty days fighting and arguing with each other back and forth. The sudden change in his attitude was unexplainable.

“So you had breakfast and sat through a show for two hours and no one argued?” Lucas asked while I laid in his bed, sounding just as shocked.

“Exactly, it was so weird. It felt,” I paused looking for the right word, “Normal I want say?” Explaining what had happened between us was harder than I thought because I had no words to really describe it, at least not accurately.

Lucas laid down next to me and moved me up so I could cuddle into his side, “Well I’m glad there was finally some kind of change between you two. I know how exhausting it was for you. I just want you to start feeling better.”

I smiled up at him and give his cheek a kiss, “Thank you.”

In the last month, Lucas and I have really been thriving in the small relationship that we created with each other, things weren’t official. And as much as I would like them to be, they couldn’t. The ring on my finger was a reminder of that.

But nonetheless, it didn’t stop us from building off each other. Lucas was really the light I needed in my life and I am forever grateful for that. He meant more to me than I could understand. His eyes shone every time he looked at me and held me in his arms.

“Just be careful, okay? I don’t want to see you hurt by him again.” He pet my hair and placed a kiss on my forehead, my favorite.

We stopped talking about such dull things and moved on to Ten and Johnny. My baby boy finally got his tall man, I am truly so happy for him. Even though the guys gave him good advice on how to really make sure Johnny liked him, he took my advice instead.

Their first hang out was at an art museum, seeing as they both liked art and it wanting to be Ten’s profession. Things got a little jumbled there because Ten thought he had asked Johnny to just hang out meanwhile Johnny the whole time thought it was a date.

They had a big laugh about it and decided that it was their first date despite one of them thinking it wasn’t. When the second one came around, they were both aware that it was indeed a date. From what Ten has told us, Johnny is super caring and kind hearted.

Johnny was a breath of fresh air for Ten and that’s all I wanted for him. All of us have hung out a few times here and there and Johnny really just makes things better. Lucas and him, have us cracking up like crazy all the time, till it hurt to breath.

For once everything felt great, like things were normal. Yuta and I stopped arguing since the day that Taeyong and Jaehyun brought him home drunk, a week ago. I guess the small things I did for him really made him open his eyes.

We spent time in the living together again, watching movies or shows, at a distance of course. He always stared at me longer than I liked when I laughed. We started spending time in the library reading books like before.

Sometimes for dinner, he’d cook for us which was always really nice. Some nights he’d make my favorites from when we were kids and it made me warm that he still remembered those small details from more than eight years ago.

Conversations weren’t more than ‘How are you?’ or ‘How was your day?’ some days. But other days, we’d sit and talk about the past, the times when we were kids and all the stupid things we did that got us in trouble.

I was always cautious when that would come up though. Sometimes I’d talk about it for long period of time during one sitting but others when it was too much for me, I’d cut it short and just leave it where it was. More often than not, Yuta let us move on without questioning it.

Lucas felt a little weary sometimes about the ‘friendship’ Yuta and I were starting to have. Not because he was jealous or anything but because it seemed so sudden and peculiar how the little things I did for him that one night, changed his whole demeanor.

He also felt apprehensive that Yuta all of a sudden wanted to talk about the past or would bring it up often on his own without warning. He got a weird feeling about it but tried to push it away after I reassured him endlessly that it was nothing.

Things were starting to feel like old times again, the times before all of this happened. The times when were together. It was hard to brush that feeling off because it felt like there was reason to doubt it.

Frequently, I started seeing Yuta clean out his room, looking through things like there was something he was looking for. One day when I came home, he had like three boxes stacked in his doorway labeled, ‘Old Junk.’

But it wasn’t for the trash though, he told me he had asked his mom for them because there was something he was looking for. Something he lost a long time ago but doesn’t really remember where he placed it.

It was the way he said it and the way that he looked at me that told me it was urgent, that he needed to find it soon before he lost his mind. Which seemed was borderline happening soon.

The sudden change in our behavior really hit his friends hard, they almost didn’t believe it when I joined them one day in the living room to play video games. It wasn’t really my scene, video games but I was bored in my room and the boys were busy.

They stared wide eye as Yuta and I played a round together laughing like it was the most natural thing in the world. Taeyong couldn’t believe his eyes, his mouth hung open for almost five minutes straight. Sicheng was in disbelief, shock written crystal clear on his face. And Jaehyun, his reaction was weird.

He had a knowing smirk on his face almost, like he saw something more between us than what there was. I brushed it off and paid no mind to it because surely I was mistaken. But still, he looked at us with such wonder it was a little uncomfortable.

I should have thought there was something wrong about that. I should have known that nothing was normal with Jaehyun or his reaction. I should have known I told myself over and over again.

I should have known but I didn’t. And that cost me my safety, sanity, peace of mind and two of the most important relationships in my life. It cost me everything in my life.

Past and present.


	20. Chapter Nineteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really hard for me to write because I had to get into a different kind of headspace than I'm used too. And even after finishing it, I was still there for a week.  
Please always remember to take care of your mental health first and take a break when needed.
> 
> Thank you and enjoy!

In the midst of me cleaning the kitchen from the mess of making lunch, the doorbell rang. I walked down the hallway and looked through the peephole, it was Jaehyun.

With caution, I opened it just enough so I could see him through the crack, “Jung, what are you doing here?” I asked feeling nervous of having him near my home when Yuta wasn’t here.

“I came by to see Yuta.” He answered with an almost sad look on his face. Completely different from the fuckboy look he always has on. His aurora didn’t even feel like it always does, heavy and sickening. 

“He’s not home though.”

He rocked back and forth on the ball of his feet with his hands in his pocket, “I know, he told me to wait for him, it’s kind of important.” He answered with a small smile.

Jaehyun’s voice was also different from his usual flirty sickening tone, the one that made me want to punch him in the neck. His eyes were soft and he looked like he couldn’t even hurt a fly right now.

“Oh um, okay. You can wait for him in the living room then.” I opened the door believing him and moved aside so he could come in. He walked into the living room and took a seat on the couch. “You can watch tv if you’d like.” I offered.

He turned to look at me and gave me a small smile nodding his head okay. He reached over for the control and turned it on. Feeling no way about him being here in the house, in my comfort zone, I went back to the kitchen.

I finished cleaning and then went up to the second floor, when I passed by the living room, Jaehyun was still watching whatever was playing on the screen. Instead of going to my room, I went into the guest room. Deciding that maybe we could make it into something more than what it was.

No more than ten minutes later of cleaning around the room, my world fell apart. I should have closed the door, I should have locked it. I should have done something, anything.

“So Yuta and you, huh?”

The world around me stopped when I heard that tone of voice. That damned flirty sickening voice that made want to throw myself off a bridge now. I turned to face Jaehyun who was standing in the door way.

Blocking my only exit. 

Everything that I hated about him before I let him into my home was back. The smug look on his face, his cursed smirk. And worst of all, the lust and want in his eyes whenever he looked at me. Whoever I let in earlier was no longer here, he was a completely different person.

“What…what are you talking…about?” I stuttered, feeling my breathing pick up and the anxiety start to kick in with my sweaty palms. The room felt like it was getting smaller and the walls were closing in on me.

Jaehyun stepped away from the doorframe and walked closer to where I was near the bed. He saw the way I wanted to move away from him but I was frozen in place. He was feeding off the fear that was in my eyes, he waited for this moment.

“You should have made sure we left that night _princess_.” He circled around me, his finger brushing away the hair that was on my shoulder. With my body frozen in fear, I could only try to shudder when his finger traced my collar bone.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I breathed out and forced every ounce in my body to move away from him and walk towards the door. But he reached it before I did and closed it, standing in front of it.

I watched him lock it and walked towards me again with a smirk on his lips and his eyes overflowing with lust. My body couldn’t move, it wouldn’t. The weight of the world was holding me down to the damn floor.

Jaehyun stood behind me and placed his hands on my waist, setting my whole body on fire. “Don’t worry though, I won’t say anything.” One hand left my waist and moved to the button of my jeans. His cold fingers grazed the skin of my stomach.

“Just give me what I want and I never heard a thing.” He whispered in my ear undoing my button. He slide his hand inside my pants and panties, going straight to my nub. The pads of his fingers rubbed against it softly.

“Open your legs a little more for me.”

My body didn’t move nor respond, nothing in me was functioning right now. Nothing seemed real and everything faded into darkness when he nudged them apart from behind with his knee. He ran his index finger through my folds a few times collecting whatever wetness there was which wasn’t much.

The burn of his fingers invading my walls was painful and uncomfortable. I lost my breath and my voice, I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t say anything. The only thing I could do was feel the way my body rejected his touch.

“So warm, I wonder how you’ll feel wrapped around me.” He groaned still pumping his fingers inside me, his thumb ghosting over my clit. His other hand groping my breast, enjoying the way he could feel my nipples through the thin fabric of my shirt. 

Even though his fingers were in me, I felt nothing. My body was disconnected from me, it was like I was having an outer body experience. Nothing felt real to me right now.

Jaehyun pulled his hand out my panties and brought it to his lips. The sound of his sucking was right next to my ear and it made my body shudder. He held onto my waist again and back tracked us to the bed.

He got in front of me, his eyes piercing into mine. There was no emotion in them. No regret, no remorse, no nothing. Just lust and pure want, a desire so profound he didn’t care how it went away. He’s wanted me for so long and he was finally going to have me. 

My shirt was pulled over my head and my breast were exposed to him. I wore no bra because I was in the comfort of my home I thought, my safe space. He cupped them and goosebumps rose on my skin when he rolled my nubs in between his fingers.

He found a place to nestle his face in my neck and sucked blues and reds on to my skin that I would have to later explain to someone if they saw them. He pulled away from me enough to pull off his own shirt.

Never did I think that this is how I would see his body or how he would see mine.

His hands pushed against my shoulders gently for me to lay on the bed, my body just fell like it weighed as much as feather. Almost like I had no bones, I laid there staring at the ceiling in disbelief. Nothing was processing. 

My legs were exposed to the cold when he pulled, more like yanked my pants off. It felt surreal when he tore my panties off, the sound of fabric ripping echoing in my ears for a good five minutes. Without looking, I heard his zipper be pulled down and the belt buckle hit the floor.

Jaehyun kissed up my legs, paying attention to my thighs for a moment or two. He continued his journey up my body, trailing wet kisses on my skin, leaving marks where he felt needed. His mouth found one of my nipples and his hand groped the other.

He pulled away from my body and hovered over me, placing his hands to the side of my head. I wasn’t looking at the ceiling anymore but at him. But even then I couldn’t react. My body was in a shock that left me paralyzed.

He came down to kiss me, moving his lips against mine, waiting for a response that never came. But that didn’t stop him from shoving his tongue into my mouth. I felt his hand weave in between our bodies and line himself up with my entrance.

That’s when my body was brought back to life, that’s when I reacted. At least part of me did.

My hands moved and pressed against his shoulders, “Jaehyun, please don’t.” I pleaded or at least I think I did. My voice felt inaudible to my own ears, I wasn’t all too sure I had actually spoken.

“Please don’t.” I repeated, at least I hoped I did. 

I believe that I didn’t speak the words because he still pushed in, hurting me in the process. In all the ways imaginable. My nails dug into his shoulders and my eyes squeezed shut wanting for all of this to go away. I wanted nothing of this dream to be real.

My hands moved on their own and kept pushing at his shoulders so he pinned them above my head, forcing our fingers to lace together. Jaehyun came down to my neck again and started to thrust harder into me. He didn’t give me time to adjust, he didn’t give me time for anything.

Everything hurt, each thrust felt more painful than the last. His lips on my skin felt like scorching fire. The angle my legs were in was uncomfortable and my arms were growing tired of being above my head. 

His hands squeezed mine and he kissed my neck. I made no sounds, I don’t think I did, because all I could hear was him moaning and groaning in my ear. He grunted praises and cruse words about how good I felt and how tight I was for him.

All of it taunting me and tearing me apart from the inside out.

My throat hurt because I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry and I couldn’t. I wanted to push him away but I couldn’t, he was holding my whole being down. My body was cold and there was no air in my lungs, it didn’t even feel like I was breathing.

There was nothing but this man on top of me, torturing me and in a way, killing me.

Jaehyun bite into my shoulder and the top of my chest as he rammed into me harder, nearing his release. It felt like he was bruising the skin of my hands with how hard he was tightening his own around mine.

“Fuck, fuck. I’m going to cum.”

There was a warmth I could feel in my insides, a terrible burning warmth.

His hips slowed until they came to a full stop. His teeth detached from my skin and his hands let go of mine, finally. His body was sweaty against mine when he rolled off me and laid next to me. I could hear his heavy breathing in my ear.

“Now I see why Yuta didn’t pull out back when.”

Those words hit a nerve that made my body react partly again. My eyes burned and the tears finally spilled down the sides. But I couldn’t use my voice still, my throat felt so dry it hurt. I wanted to clutch the bed sheets under me but my fingers wouldn’t close.

Jaehyun gathered his clothes and got dressed. When he was done, he walked to the door and left. But before he did, he assured me that he would say nothing about the past and thanked me for the great time.

It was up until I heard the front door open and close that I found my voice again. I painfully sat up, naked and cold and yelled to the top of my lungs. I yelled into the empty room and cried into the mattress how much I hated him, this house, this life, Yuta and myself.

My legs hurt and I couldn’t move the rest of my body without it screaming at me in pain. All my clothes were scattered on the floor. The sight of my torn underwear made me to crawl out of my abused skin.

This situation made me feel something I haven’t since the days of the accident.

The want to end my suffering.

With no energy and a body full of pain, I cried myself to sleep in the same bed that took away my sanity. Everything played itself over again in my head. My mind was banging against my skull wanting to be set free, to forget this ever happened.

Hours later, I heard the front door be opened. And then the commotion of boys being over. He came back, I just know he did. He came back to torture me, to taunt me. Knowing that I’ll never say anything about this because of the damned past.

The same past ruined my life then. And the one that ruined my life now. But now it was worse, I didn’t feel safe in my own home, in my skin. In my own fucking skin I felt in danger. I wanted to rip my skin off and set it on fire, I wanted to burn away his touch.

In agony, I got off the bed, my body sore and aching with every move I made. I wrapped the blanket around my naked abused body and walked to the door. When my hand reached for the knob, I heard steps coming up the stairs.

“(Y/N), are you home?” Yuta asked, assuming standing outside my bedroom door. He knocked on the door when he heard no answer. He’s never had a reason to come near this room but still out of fear, I locked the door quietly.

His footsteps suddenly got a little closer to the door I was standing behind. But then they stopped and faded away. I waited another five minutes till I unlocked the door. Opening it quietly and carefully, I peeked through the crack to see if anyone was in the hallway. 

Once I saw that I was empty, as quickly as I could, I made my way to my room. The door was closed as I had left it so I tried my best to stay quiet because I didn’t want someone to come up here and see me like this.

Inside my room, I closed and locked the door. I hated with my whole being that much like eight years ago, behind this door, trapped in these four walls was the only place I felt safe now. Everything felt like a nightmare again. Like a terrible fucking dream.

Standing naked in front of the mirror felt like I was someone else. I didn’t recognize myself, not my body or face. My neck was covered in blues and red, bite marks on my upper chest. Fingertip bruises on my hands. There were small marks inside my thighs that I don’t even know how they happened.

When I cleaned myself down there, there were stains of blood on the toilet paper. The area was red and sensitive, it hurt to touch. At this point, it hurt to even breathe. My lungs felt squeezed together.

My shower was scorching hot, the fog intense I could barely see my hand in front of my face. The tears mixed with the water and soap when I washed my body. Trying hard to rub the bruises and marks off me.

Not only was my body covered in marks that would take a while to fade but so was my soul. My soul was forever tainted and scarred.

I spent an hour in the shower trying to clean myself but to no avail. My skin burned from the water, my eyes hurt from crying. I scrubbed myself raw it hurt when my clothes touched my skin. I felt like there was nothing in my soul.

My phone rang all night long as I laid in bed starring at the ceiling with tears still running down my face. I have no idea if I was even making sounds, I just knew that I was crying. I wanted to die right now. I wanted to end all of my suffering here. I wanted nothing to do with life.

Three knocks came from the other side of the door at four in the morning. I didn’t speak, I didn’t move. I did nothing but lay there and wait for it to go away. But it didn’t, it just kept going and going.

“(Y/N)? Are you there? Your phone has been going off all night. Are you okay?” Yuta worried with his fist meeting the door and then the jingle of the door knob.

Looking at the door I wept loud enough to hear myself, realizing that I was living the same life I lived eight years ago. I was broken, hurt and in an agony I couldn’t put into words. And worst of all, I still couldn’t go to Yuta for comfort.

Because he couldn’t fucking remember. He didn’t then and he doesn’t now. Everything was the same it was before. I was living in the past.

No one was to blame but our parents for what I was going through right now. And so was Yuta. I hated all of them. Each and every one of them put their wants and desires first before anything else. And I was the one paying for the broken dishes.

The sun started to pour into my room and that’s when I realized it was morning time already. I don’t know when my phone stopped ringing, it was probably dead and it was going to stay like that. There was nothing and no one I wanted to deal with from the real world.

The only place that existed for me was the space in these four walls, nothing else. I was never going to leave my room again, I was never stepping foot outside of my comfort zone again. The damn door to the outside was never going to open again.

My eyes burned and hurt, I could feel the swelling begin from crying all night. And somehow I didn’t even feel my body anymore from lying still since the moment I got into bed. Sleep was unknown to me scared of what the dreams could be.


	21. Chapter Twenty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to take care of your mental health before anything. This is a heavy and emotional chapter so read with caution and remember that there is someone out there ready to listen to you when times get hard.   
Please never hesitate to reach out to someone. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“(Y/N))! Please open the door.” Yuta shouted on the other side of the door, banging against it. He’s been at it for the last two hours meanwhile I’ve made no sound, barely even turned under the sheets.

With no noise, no sound, no nothing, I’d hope he think I magically dispread and leave me be.

My phone was still dead somewhere in this room and I’ve made no effort to move from where I’ve been laying under my covers. It felt safe and warm here, more than it will ever feel outside this blanket.

Nothing felt real, nothing was real.

The thought of Lucas kept pondering in my brain, all of it making me feel broken and in pieces. There was nothing more that I wanted than to be in his arms and feel protected but I know I couldn’t. Not now or ever again.

With everything that I’ve already thrown on him, there was no way that I was going to add this on top. I couldn’t do that to him, it would be too much. Besides, I know he would react and try to basically murder Jaehyun. And as much as that would be well deserved, there would a risk of Jaehyun telling Yuta the truth.

And if that’s the case, the outcome would be horrid. Everything would be worse than it is now. I have to go through this alone, I have to suffer on my own. In a silence so deafening I can feel my heartbeat all over my body.

This wasn’t supposed to happen! I was supposed to marry Doyoung and live the life I wanted away from this. Away from Yuta and the past we shared, away from the nightmares. Away from everything I tried to forget the last eight years.

I just wanted my life to be the same again, I don’t care what it changed anymore. I just wanted my old life back, I wanted to be back with Doyoung. I wanted him to be home again, to take me away from here and pretend none of this ever happened.

My wishful soul caused my tears to pool out my eyes, weeping into the air out loud. My throat was raw with pain as I cried again. My hands clawed at my skin, leaving red marks along my legs and arms. There was no words to describe how much I wanted to take this skin off and grow a new one.

“(Y/N), open the door please. I’m begging you.” Yuta pleaded outside still.

A sharp hatred grew in the depths of my heart hearing his voice. All of this was his fault. If he had just put a stop to this, if he had just let me go when I asked the first time, none of this would have never happened.

If Yuta had never lost his memory, nothing that happened to me would have happened. We’d still be together and we’d be happy, I would have my fucking baby in my arms.

His knocking kept ringing through my room and the hatred only grew. My body aching and screaming in pain, I went to the door and opened it. His fist stopped midair when he took in my appearance, his eyes going wide.

“Leave me alone! I never want to see you in my miserable life again Nakamoto! Just leave me alone! Go away.” I screamed at him with tears running down my face.

Yuta blinked a few times, not understanding anything that was going on right now or why I was suddenly yelling at him when things have been fine between us for the last two weeks. He took a step forward and tried to touch me but I backed away and slapped his hand away.

“Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me again. Just leave me alone.”

A hurt flashed in his eyes, “(Y/N), what happened? What’s wrong?” There was so much worry in his voice and some familiarity in his tone but I didn’t pay attention to it. His eyes looked at my skin.

He saw everything that Jaehyun did to me, he saw the marks on my neck, the bruises on my hands. The clawing’s I made on my arms. Worst of all, he saw the hurt and the brokenness I carried in my eyes. Somehow, he understood that these markings weren’t made willingly.

“You’re what happened!” I yelled at him, suddenly balling my fist and hitting his chest. “You ruined my life! You ruined everything! I hate you, I hate you! You took everything away from me Yuta.” I cried harder.

He didn’t fight it and he didn’t react, he just took it. He let me bang against his chest until I dropped to the floor, barely breathing through my crying. He soon joined me on the floor being cautious about touching me.

“(Y/N), please tell me what happened to you, who did this?” He asked placing his hand on mine but I flinched away from him. I looked up at him and even though he was blurry, I could see the tears in his eyes.

“You did. You did this to me. You ruined my whole life and you don’t even know how. Don’t knock on my door again. Don’t come near me. Don’t touch me.” I took the rings off that ruined everything and left them on the floor near him.

“I want nothing to do with you. Not now or ever again Yuta.”

With all the strength I had in my body, I pulled myself off the floor and walked back into my room. Closing and locking the door, I slide down it. My knees were up to my chest and my head was resting on them, I cried harder.

I choked on my sobs and could practically drown in my tears. I didn’t want to live this life. Not like this. Not with the terrible reminders haunting me every waking moment. In my home, on my skin, everywhere and anywhere I go.

The day passed by and no sound came from the outside again. The sunlight faded and the darkness covered everything. I laid on the floor in front of the door, I had no energy to get up or move so I stayed here.

There were steps coming up the stairs and hushed chattering. It was multiple voices so it wasn’t just Yuta. At first I didn’t recognize the other voices but then I heard them loud and clear because they stopped at my door. Then came a light knock.

“Baby?”

It was Lucas.

The air got caught in my lungs and my heart dropped. Why was he here? I couldn’t handle seeing him right now, I couldn’t even handle hearing his voice. The anxiety of everything came up, I was already barely breathing.

“Open the door please (Y/N).” Hendery pleaded giving the doorknob a try. They all sighed when nothing happened. As much as my whole body wanted too, I couldn’t.

Another light knock vibrated the door against my back, “At least let us know that you’re there, that you’re awake? Or okay? Anything please.” Now it was Ten’s voice that sounded through the thick piece of wood.

“How long has she been like that?” Lucas asked. His voice was full of worry and hurt, anything that happened to me hurt him. And that was the worst thing that I could have thought about because it broke my heart.

More than it already was, I didn’t want him to feel like that. I didn’t want him to suffer because of me, because of the consequences my life brought me. He didn’t deserve that, he deserved more. More than me and the shitty life I lived. 

“Since yesterday afternoon. I came home and came to look for her to tell her something. But when I came up here,” Yuta suddenly stopped talking. Like if he just realized something.

“What?” Ten asked.

“She wasn’t in here, I mean in her room. I knocked on her door and she didn’t answer so I opened it. I looked in her room and she wasn’t in there.” Yuta started to ramble, trying to make sense of his thoughts.

If he didn’t see me in here when he came looking for me and he didn’t see me come home. Then he knows that I was in the house. The look on his face from earlier told me that he knew in that moment what happened to me. And now he was going to find out where. All of them were.

“She wasn’t in her room. She wasn’t in the library… I didn’t see her come home because she was already in the house. She was in the fucking house.” Yuta’s voice started to get louder with anger because of the realization.

“What are you talking about Nakamoto?” Hendery questioned his sudden outburst of anger.

I got off the floor slowly as the realization started getting to Yuta, I didn’t want them to find out like this. Not Hendery, not Ten. Definitely not Lucas. None of them should be here now. My shaking hand was on the handle when Yuta spoke again.

“She was in the one place I didn’t look for her.”

His feet were first to walk away and then the rest followed. No. No. No. I heard a door be thrown open and hit the wall, hard. I moved none of the clothes, I didn’t fix the bed. Everything looked like what it was, a crime scene.

“Please no.” I whispered against my still closed door. “Please no.” I repeated over and over again until the tears started to fall and I dropped to my knees with a thud.

“Not like this.” I breathed out, fighting for air. “Please not like this.”

There was no noise for the following minutes. Everything was sinking in on everyone. No one including me knew how to feel. It was out there in the open now. Not only I knew of the horrible thing that happened but so did the most important people in life, past and present.

The footsteps returned and then a light barely even there knock.

“I am begging you to please open the door. Let me be with you (Y/N). You don’t have to go through this alone.”

Lucas’s voice was barely above a whisper, he sounded broken. The rest weren’t talking and I wasn’t even sure they were standing near the door but I could somehow feel their brokenness too. All of them were hurting not just for me but because none of them knew how to help me.

My heart was barely holding on and it was too much. I didn’t want to put him through this, I didn’t want to put none of them through this. So I did what needed to be done.

“Please leave. Don’t come back, none of you. I don’t want to see any of you.” I whispered into the door, hoping it was loud enough for them to hear. My voice wouldn’t go higher than this right now.

The doorknob jiggled for a split second before it stopped, “We love you (Y/N), so much.” Ten whispered, his voice was low too and the devastation ran deep.

“We love you (Y/N).” Hendery repeated heavyhearted, like he was on the verge of tears. I’m sure they all were at this point.

I heard shuffling and then footsteps descending down the stairs, they were leaving. The front door opened and closed. I don’t know why but I went over to my window and looked down. It was too dark for them to see into my room but I could see them.

My three boys, stood outside the house standing in a circle. They just looked at each other and wiped away at their faces. All of them were shedding tears. Lucas looked up into my bedroom window and it almost felt like he was looking right at me.

His face was sorrowful, a look I never again in life wanted to see on his face. He must feel so useless not knowing what he could do to help me. It might kill him to know that there is nothing that will help me.

Nothing besides ending it all, once and for all.

I wanted this suffering to end, I wanted this to stop. The pain in my heart wanted to disappear so bad, it was making it impossible to think of anything else. The only thing that kept going on in my mind since this happened was for it to end.

A soft knock came from my door again, forcing me to look away from Lucas. I didn’t say anything and waited for Yuta to say whatever he needed to say.

“I left some food out here for you. You haven’t eaten since yesterday, please eat, even if it’s small. There’s some water out here for you too. I’ll be in my room with the door closed so you can come out to grab it.” He explained from the outside.

“I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m so sorry this happened because of me. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you like I had promised.” He sobbed deeply. 

I couldn’t find my voice to answer him even though I tried hard too. I wanted to take back the words I said earlier, this wasn’t his fault. It was no one’s but Jaehyun’s. He was solely to blame for this.

Through all the hurt and pain I was going through, I didn’t quite catch onto Yuta’s words and I should have. Because he said ‘like I had promised.’

**Past tense. **

_When (Y/N) and I got to my house, we went straight to my room and she crawled into bed. I thought it was a little weird since she’s always a ball of energy even after school. _

_I could tell there was something wrong when she didn’t ask me to join her, instead she laid on her belly and buried her face in the pillow. It didn’t seem like she wanted to talk just yet about what was bothering her so I did what I do best. _

_I changed into my pajamas and then joined her on the bed, I threw my leg over her body and scratched my nails down her back in a gentle manner. I placed a kiss at the top of her head and whispered that I loved her in her ear. _

_Undeniably, that always made her smile and feel better. She turned her face to look at me with a small smile and returned the affection with a small peck. _

_“What’s wrong princess?” I asked running my fingers through her hair now. She closed her eyes letting herself get carried away in the feeling of being protected and cared for in my presences. _

_(Y/N) turned her body under my leg and cuddled herself into my chest while I kept petting her hair and held her tight against me, “Get some sleep baby.” _

_Humming in response, she brought herself closer to me and started to fall asleep to the sound of my steady heartbeat against her ear. I like to think it’s the most calming sound she’s ever heard. I hoped she’d want to hear it every time she fell asleep._

_“My precious love bug, I don’t know what happened to you today but whatever it is I hope you know that it’s going to be okay. You have me and I always be at your side to protect you from all the bad in the world.”_

_I hugged her a little tighter and placed another kiss on her head, “Now and forever I promise I’ll protect you princess.” _

Sleep much like the last two days was almost impossible. Every time I closed my eyes, I kept seeing everything that happened. I kept feeling it, all over. The disgust, the hate. The pain and torture. And worst of all, the desperate need to make this all end.

I haven’t left my room still, not that I was planning too anyway. Yuta would knock on my door three times a day. Morning, afternoon and night. He didn’t try to get me to open the door anymore, it was just him letting me know that there was food and water outside the door.

Sometimes I would take it, others it would just say there till the next meal. It was usually his cooking that would be on the other side, the times that I opened, it was always my favorite foods. Which was really considerate of him.

The whole situation was actually really considerate, he was trying his best to take care of me during this time but I just didn’t want it. Any of it. None of it. Not even a spec of it.

Hendery, Lucas and Ten have also come by to see if there has been progress, which they see hasn’t been any. They would sit outside the door for about two hours and just talk to me. I never answered, even when I wanted too.

I just didn’t want to do this, to go back into life like this. This isn’t how I wanted to live. I didn’t want to be married to Yuta anymore, I never did. Not since the accident. I just wanted this to be over and end already.

The tub was slowly being filled and I just walked around my room, cleaning a bit in the meantime. I looked at my still dead phone and decided that now would be a good time to charge it. Not like I would hear any of the alerts anymore anyway.

Once the tub was filled enough, I sat on the edge for a bit. Thinking things through, if this is actually what I wanted. I decided that it was. I wanted my suffering to end. I didn’t want to live like this. Not with the constant reminders of my unhappiness and misery I carried in my soul.

I got in the tub and it felt weird to know that I wasn’t emotional. I wasn’t crying, for once I felt indifferent. I felt numb, I had finally given up. I closed my eyes and laid down in the warm water.

At first I held my breath just to see how long I could, turns out it wasn’t long before I needed to breath. But I fought against it and stayed under. I opened my eyes and saw a figure appear above me.

“It’s time.” I thought to myself and stopped holding my breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting today, I will no longer be posting chapters every week but every other week.


	22. Chapter Twenty-One.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All good things must come to an end for better to come along. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Before the water could really fill my lungs, I was harshly pulled out of the water by two strong hands. I coughed out the water that made it into my system and tears started running down my face.

“What the hell are you doing?” Someone yelled at me.

My body was in shock and I couldn’t make sense of anything. Everything was blurry and disorientated that when I looked at the person holding me, I couldn’t tell who they were.

They patted my back, “Just breath, its okay. I’m here now. I got you.” 

My senses were starting to clear up and that voice was the most comforting sound I have heard in a long while. I looked at them with wide eyes and even though this isn’t how I wanted to see them, I’m glad they were here.

“Doyoung.” I cried and threw myself in his arms. Despite being soaking wet, he hugged me back with all his might and held me close to him. I cried into his shoulder until I got cold enough to start shivering.

“Let’s get you changed into some dry clothes and then we can talk, okay?” He cooed with a warm smile on his face. I nodded and with his help got out of the tub.

Back in my room, the door was open and it gave me a horrible feeling looking out into the hallway of this place. Everything felt scary with the door open to the outside. Without meaning too, my body stopped moving and I stared at the door.

Doyoung looked at me and followed my gaze, he seemed to have caught on to what was stopping me from moving. He moved away from me long enough to close the door and lock it, “Its okay, I’m right here.” He assured me coming back to my side.

“Do you want me to get you some clothes so you don’t drip around your room?” He asked making me realize that I was very much wet and making a puddle where I stood. “Uh yes please.” I answered moving to go back into the bathroom to keep my mess there.

After being told where my clothes was, Doyoung walked back into the bathroom with a hoodie and a pair of sweats in hand. “Here, this seems comfortable enough.” He handed me the clothes and stepped out of the bathroom so I could change.

Looking at the clothes he gave me, made me smile and feel faint happiness in the remains of my heart. This was his clothes, well were anyway. When we were dating, I always ended up taking his comfortable clothes because they always kept me warm and safe.

Stepping out of the bathroom now dry and warm, I stood near the door fiddling with my hands because I wasn’t sure what to do. He must have noticed my hesitation because he walked over to me from where he sat on my bed.

It seemed like he hesitated for a moment before resting his hands on my shoulders, “Do you want to talk?” He asked giving me a small squeeze. I thought my body would have reacted different to his touch, but it didn’t.

I simply nodded and we walked over to my bed. He sat near me when I got under the covers and rested my back against the headboard, bringing my knees and covers up to my chin. My eyes were burning again with tears.

The simple fact that Doyoung sat right here in front of me overcame me with emotion. Because this is all I wanted. I wanted him to take me back to the times we were together and that none of this would be real. All of this would just be a terrible dream and that I would wake up from it soon.

“How are you?” He asked with worry in his voice, there was so much worry in it. His eyes when they looked at me carried so much hurt. I wanted nothing more than to make that go away. He didn’t deserve to feel this way or to even be here right now.

A deep sigh left my being, “I’m here.” I whispered, realizing that if it wasn’t for him, I almost actually wouldn’t be here. I would be long gone by now, maybe.

We sat in silence for a long time with only the sound of our breathing filling the room and the random cars that would pass by on the outside. He wanted to ask, I know he did but he was giving me time to feel comfortable enough to start.

Doyoung played with his hands in his lap and turn to look at me every few minutes with a warm smile on his lips. It was comforting, very. The sense of security was high with him here with me.

Moments like this brought me back to the times after the accident. At that time, would I say Doyoung and the boys were rebounds? A little yes. I was going through a lot and because I wanted to separate from Yuta so desperately, they were my comfort.

It’s almost funny just how much things felt the same again, the same if not worse pain. And my source of comfort and safety was Doyoung once again. Only thing that is different is that he knows about the incident that took place this time.

He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t.

“How did you know?” I asked pulling the covers closer to me as if to hide away from him and the horrible truth.

He looked over at me again and this time he frowned. Not because I asked but because he too was sad that he couldn’t stop what happened to me. Just like the others did. But no one was to blame for that.

“Lucas.” He started and turned his gaze away from me, “He reached out to me, as well as Hendery and Ten. All of three of them came to me earlier today. And they… they told me what happened.”

“They asked me to come and see you. Hoping that something or anything would change. I was going to come by later actually. But I don’t know, something told me to come when I did. And I am so glad I did.”

Doyoung tore his gaze away from the floor and looked at me, his eyes were glossed over when he finished his sentence. All I could do in return was give him a weak smile and try to hold back my own tears.

“Lucas is really worried about you. He’s just about ready to lose his mind, which I don’t blame him for. He misses you a lot and just wishes there was something that he could do for you.” He let me know, assuming that Lucas asked him to pass the message.

“I know.” I whispered, not entirely too sure what else I was supposed to say.

A comfortable silence fell on us again as we looked at each other. Somehow looking at him, it hit me that he wasn’t who I wanted anymore. I wanted Lucas. Lucas was my comfort and safety now. And even though this is going to put a strain on us, on me. I know we’ll work through it.

Looking at me, I know that Doyoung realized the same and he was okay with that. He lived what he had to with me already and now it was time that we let go of what was. To be truly happy we had to move on, fully.

There was always going to be an undeniable love between us, there was no doubt or question about that. We built off each other and grew together. But all good things must come to an end for better to come along.

And that for me, was Lucas. From the moment I met him, even though I was still in love with Doyoung then, he gave me a warmth that no one else has before. And I guess in a sense, he knew me better than most because he knew of the past I carried.

“I like him, he’s a good guy.” Doyoung whispered softly into the quiet of my room. Even though I know it hurt the both of us to finally realize that we have to move on and leave each other behind, he was sincere about it.

Doyoung wanted the best for me and deep in his heart he believed that Lucas was the best for me. He knew it the moment Lucas spun me in the parking lot, without a care in the world. The sound of my laugh was different and so was the smile on my face.

“There’s something I have to tell you.” I mumbled closing my eyes and letting the tears run down my cheeks.

Now I needed to be honest with Doyoung. He should know about the past that I never shared with him. Even if it meant that it could change the way he saw our relationship. Or that it could put a hurt in his heart for a while.

Not because I didn’t tell him but because after the time we spent together, he’ll see that he didn’t really know me. He didn’t know everything about me like he thought he did. And worst of all, he’ll be angry that because of that past, I never fully gave myself to him.

Not the way he thought, not the way he believed I had.

“There’s something I never told you...” I started, opening my eyes again to look at him. His face was serious and already I could start to see the small bits of anger mixed with confusion and worry building in his eyes because he wasn’t sure what I was going to say.

“What?” He simply asked, he didn’t move away, he didn’t come closer. He just sat there and looked at me, long and hard. Never breaking the eye contact with me.

The words came out slow and somewhat steady. It was painful and every time a new word fell past my lips, it felt like my lungs were being squeezed together. Obviously the tears were inevitable for the both of us.

The sleeves of my sweater met my cheek on numerous accounts collecting the stray tears that stained my cheeks. And I paused more than I liked making things feel more dragged than needed. But the truth was out there.

Doyoung was speechless when I finished. It almost felt like he wasn’t listening when I was speaking because he didn’t ask for extra details, he didn’t ask for things to get cleared up. The most he did was ball up his fist when I first mentioned his name.

It all felt like a cold weird dream for him at the moment, nothing was really absorbing into his mind. And for some reason, he felt like things made more sense to him now than they did before. All the weird tension that was present at the start of our relationship, finally had answers.

Answers that he didn’t like at all, he wasn’t even going to pretend to like them. He didn’t want this to affect the way he saw me or the way he felt about our relationship but he couldn’t help it. I spent four years lying to him, lying about things he had asked me over and over.

I reached for his hand, “But I never lied about my feelings for you Doyoung. I promise I never did.” I assured him, knowing that he was thinking the worst of us right now.

“I want to believe you, my god do I want to believe you.”

“Please don’t doubt that, that’s why we were friends for the first three years we met. I didn’t want to jump into something knowing that my feelings were still in the air about him.” I squeezed his hand a little tighter, hoping that he would believe me.

“I would never hurt you like that. All the love I have and felt for you during the time we were together, was and is so real. You were my everything Doyoung, I loved you more than life.”

The moment he squeezed my back felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders because I knew he believed me. I knew that he believed that I was being just as sincere about my feeling as he was earlier.

“Can I ask you something?” He asked, looking away from me. There was a look on his face, he was trying to gather words to form the right question. But whatever he wanted to ask, seemed like it was being answered the more he thought about it.

“Did this… did this happen because of that?”

My hand tensed in his and I wanted to pull away but he wouldn’t let me. I pulled a little more and refused to let my hand go. I didn’t have to verbally answer him for him to know the answer. He didn’t even have to ask the question.

I wouldn’t have told him about the past if it wasn’t connected to this. He knew that. And it was moments like these that make me realize that he knows me better than I do sometimes.

Doyoung let go of my hand and sat up from where he sat. He ruffled his hair and pulled at it, he was angry. He paced around the room for a good five minutes not saying anything, barely even breathing because he was huffing and puffing.

Suddenly he snapped his head in my direction and looked right into my soul.

“Who did this, (Y/N)?”

I knew the question was coming and it still caught me off guard. It, for whatever reason still surprised me that he asked. Everything in me was fighting my brain to not say anything but I didn’t want to carry this alone.

This is something I didn’t want to carry on my own. Not again, I couldn’t live the same way I did eight years ago. That suffering never ended and it wouldn’t end now if I didn’t say something. But just when I was getting ready to tell him, the front door opened.

The sounds and commotion of rowdy boys flooded the house. Yuta hasn’t brought them over ever since this happened. Because he’s been so worried about me, he refused for his friends to come over. And I more than anything appreciated that.

But then the unmistakable sound of his voice carried and so did his malicious laugh, he was in the house again. My body tensed and the tears prickled my eyes again.

And suddenly I was in the guest room, laying naked in the bed. My body started to hurt and ache all over without me even moving.

“No, please not again.” I whispered closing my eyes with hands covering my ears, digging my nails into the side of my head. “Make it stop, please. Make it stop!” I shouted begging for the sound to go away, for the sound of his laugh to leave my ears.

Doyoung rushed over to me and hugged me, patting my back. He didn’t say anything and just held me as my body shook in his hold, trying to push away the memory of that day.

“Please make it stop.” I begged into his shoulder, at this point I was gasping for air with how hard I was crying, I was choking on my own tears.

“Who did this to you?” He whispered into my hair, pulling me closer to him. I was pressed against his chest with my face buried in his neck, tears wetting his skin.

My hands grasped the side of his stomach for dear life and answered. It felt like poison falling from my lips, it burned to say his name.

“Jaehyun.” 

Doyoung held me tighter for a second more and then pulled away from me. His eyes were ready for murder and he held no expression on his face.

“I’m going to kill him.”

Before I could say anything or even reach out to grab his arm, he was at my door and ran out. I heard his footsteps rush down the stairs and the commotion of the living room die down. Doyoung’s voice was loud and clear even all the way up here.

“I’m going to fucking kill you with my bare hands Jung!”


	23. Chapter Twenty-Two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing stays a secret forever. 
> 
> Enjoy!

The noise that had died down came back to life after the words Doyoung spoke. Things were being knocked down, possibly thrown and all the voices mixed and mingled with each other. All the words they yelled at each other were lost within the space they shared.

I got off my bed and went over to the door, knowing that I needed to go downstairs to stop whatever was happening. Things were only going to get worse if I didn’t stop them now. But standing in front of the open door made everything seem so scary.

The real world was just outside this door and my body wasn’t letting me step out. I was scared of what was to come once I was out in the open. The anxiety was overpowering my senses and it was making it hard to breath. My lungs felt like they were being squeezed together.

Forcing myself to make that extra step, I swallowed the lump in my throat and stepped outside my comfort zone. Outside of my safe space again for anything to happen and tear me apart all over again.

When I was fully outside my room, I stood in the hallway and it felt like I was being called to the room. To the room where everything happened. I looked over in that direction and thankfully the door was closed. Because if it wasn’t, I don’t think I’d make it very far.

The phantom pain I felt in my legs stopped me from running down the stairs like I had wanted too. Every step hurt and every breath made it harder to think or process anything. This was going to be the first time I saw anyone since this happened.

I was going to see Jaehyun’s face again after what he did to me. I was going to see Yuta’s face again after he found out what happened to me. I don’t know how any of them were going to react. I didn’t know how I was going to react either.

By the time I reached the bottom of the steps, I was forcing air into my lungs and trying to steady my heart beat. At this point it felt like it was going to burst inside my chest with how aggressive it was beating. My whole body felt like it was pulsating violently.

Even though I was right outside the living room where everyone was fighting and arguing, I heard nothing. Everything in my ears was painfully quiet and the anxiety was coursing through my veins like heavy waves crashing against the calm sand.

With shaky steps I moved in front of the door way and looked into the mess that was the living room. The coffee table was flipped over with all its belongings on the floor. The vases placed next to the couches were broken. Glass and flowers littered the floor and there were faint stains of red on the carpet.

Yuta was holding back a bloody mouthed Doyoung who was thrashing against him to let go. The skin of his fist was bruised red. His shirt was stained with blood and I’m not too sure who it belonged to.

Sicheng and Taeyong were holding back a bloodied mouth Jaehyun who still carried that cursed smirk on his face. As if he wasn’t even affected by what just happened to him. There was blood staining his shirt too.

Doyoung and Jaehyun were yelling profanities at each other, harsh words I swear I never heard leave my ex-boyfriend’s mouth. The other three were yelling over them to calm the fuck down and to explain why this was even happening.

Yuta and Doyoung’s back were to me so the only ones who saw me were the other three males. Once their eyes landed on me, they stopped yelling and caused the other two to turn around to see what they were looking at.

The room went dead silent and all eyes were on me.

“Nice of you to join us (Y/N).” Jaehyun spoke ripping himself out of the hold he was in. He looked at me like he has many times before and it could have killed me to see that it never changed. Not even after what he did, did the look in his eyes change.

They still carried that forsaken lust and desire for me and if anything, it seemed to have grown more.

“Don’t say her name Jung because I will kill you right here.” Doyoung threatened him, breaking free from Yuta’s hold but not moving away from him yet.

“Can someone explain what the hell is going on?” Sicheng asked to no one in particular. Taeyong stood next to him quietly, avoiding my gaze like he usually did when he knew something that he didn’t want to voice.

And then I realized that maybe, he knew about my past with Yuta too. He was after all, there the same night Jaehyun heard me.

Jaehyun chuckled, “Tell them or I will.” His eyes never left mine and that glued me to the ground. Unable to move or speak, the only thing I could do was take shallow breaths and watch the world fade into blurs behind the water in my eyes.

Yuta didn’t say anything and snapped his head in Doyoung’s direction looking for answers to what he thought was going on. They exchanged silent words and Doyoung confirmed his worst fear when he nodded his head yes.

Someone he considered his friend, his brother not only broke a code between them but a trust so profound. A brotherhood of many years. But worst of all, he hurt what he loved most, me.

Yuta saw red all over again and lunged at Jaehyun full force, knocking him down. He grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, “You put your hands on my fucking wife! And in my fucking house!” His fist connected with Jaehyun’s face repeatedly.

He would have kept going until his face was swollen and unrecognizable but before he could even reach that point, Sicheng and Taeyong pulled him off.

“Let me fucking go! I’m going to kill you Jaehyun!” Yuta was fighting against their holds on him. “You hurt her! You violated her! In her own fucking house!”

Jaehyun simply laughed and got off the floor, wiping away the blood from his mouth. It was a horrid thing to watch, his smile filled with blood and he acted like nothing was wrong. His laugh echoed in my ears again, it didn’t sit well in my stomach.

“Last chance (Y/N). You or me.”

Our eyes met again and the world around me fell apart again for the millionth time. He had no conscience or compassion, he had nothing. He was a soulless body walking around not giving a damn about anything but himself.

I lost my voice to the fear and couldn’t say anything, I couldn’t do anything. All I could do was stand here and watch how he took control away from my life, from the one thing I have had to myself since Yuta lost his memory.

The truth was going to come out and this isn’t how I wanted it to happen. Not like this. I never wanted it to happen in the first place. He was taking that right away from me. Everything I did and went through meant nothing now.

Doyoung moved to stand in front of Jaehyun, who was started taking small steps closer to me. “Stay away from her, don’t even look at her again Jaehyun.” He warned him. 

Jaehyun stopped looking at me and moved his gaze to the person in front of him, “You know too, don’t you Doyoung?” He chuckled throwing his back, as if it was really that funny.

“Seems to me like everyone here knows but him. And I even bet good money that boyfriend of yours knows too, no?” He added, looking past Doyoung and at me again.

Doyoung was covering half his face but I knew that he was smirking, taunting me and everyone who was here. Yuta who seemed to have settled a little got riled up again when he heard the word boyfriend. He started thrashing around in their holds again.

“Actually better yet, why don’t we let Taeyong tell him?”

Everyone went dead silent and Yuta turned back to look at the person holding him. I forced my eyes away from Jaehyun to look at him. Everyone was looking at him and yet he looked at no one but the ground.

“Tell who, what?” Sicheng turned to ask him, fully understanding that there was more to Yuta and me. Something he seemed to have noticed a long time ago too but wasn’t too sure.

Yuta ripped out of their holds but stayed in place looking at Taeyong.

“Tell me what Taeyong?” He asked him, too many emotions in his voice to pick one out. He was feeling emotions he’s never had to feel before, too many new ones that were coming in strong. There was anger and betrayal. He was hurt and confused but most of all, he was heartbroken.

He lost a brother and he carried the hurt Jaehyun caused me very close to his heart. If it wasn’t for him, it would have never happened. If he had stopped this when he had the chance, none of us would be here right now.

Taeyong mumbled words no one could hear, they were too low and too jammed together to hear them well. His head was still down, there was no telling what he was feeling or even thinking.

“You’re dragging this too much.” Jaehyun cut in making everyone look at him again. He moved past Doyoung and continued to walk closer to me. Before I knew it, he was standing in front of me. Looking down at me with a smirk so wide, he seemed like pennywise.

I pleaded with my eyes for him to please not do this, to just leave it be and go. But like always, he didn’t care nor did he listen. He stood behind me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled my back closer to his front.

My body went stiff and I wanted to do everything to break away from him but I was still frozen in place. The fear was paralyzing that even breathing felt like a struggle. My lungs were being restricted and the air felt so limited, I was starting to get lightheaded.

Doyoung and Yuta got ready to lunge at him again but they came to a complete stop when they stood in front of us. Forcing my arm to raise, I finally spoke, “Stop. Please stop.” I whispered feeling the tears slip down cheeks.

I could feel everything off Jaehyun, his body heat was radiating onto me and his fingers traced patterns on my exposed skin. His soft breaths echoed in my ears reminding me of that day, making them sound like something they weren’t. 

“Tell him _princess._” Jaehyun insisted, provoking Yuta by using the nickname he gave me. And just when Yuta took a step closer, Doyoung grabbed his arm and pulled him back, “Don’t do it. She’ll get hurt.” He reminded him.

Jaehyun moved my hair away from my ear and whispered lowly only for me to hear, “Either you tell him right here, right now. Or you give yourself to me again. Your pick.” He threatened digging his fingertips into my shoulder.

While he was speaking, my eyes would switch between Doyoung and Yuta taking in everything that was happening right now. Even if I didn’t tell him now, Yuta would never let this go and our relationship would go back to the nightmare it was before.

I’d be living in constant fear and I would never leave the house, let alone my room. I didn’t want to live like that. But I also didn’t want to tell the truth. But I had to weigh out the consequences of both out comes.

And much like I did with Doyoung and Lucas, I decided that I didn’t want to live with the past as a terrible and horrible reminder of everything that I lost. I needed to heal and move on. And we’re too deep in now for Yuta to not know the truth.

But still, the fear of putting this out remained in my heart because I would have to relive the misery all over again and I wasn’t ready for that. Not with everything that I’ve already been dealing with.

Jaehyun pulled me out of my thoughts when his fingers dug deeper into my shoulder causing it to hurt more, “Now.”

My eyes shifted again and I looked at Yuta, “I… I have… There’s something…” I paused and forced air into my lungs again, more tears spilling down my cheeks.

“Please don’t make me do this, I can’t.” I pleaded being held against Jaehyun still. I wanted to move my arms and break away from him, to run so far away from here but I couldn’t.

The most my body was allowing me to do was to ball up my fist at my sides. There was a light shakiness starting at my legs but it was too faint to really affect me or any part of my body.

“I am going to give you three seconds to let her go and get out of my house before I murder you Jaehyun.” Yuta threatened him, seeing everything in red still. He had enough of whatever mind games were being played.

He wanted to be left alone with me, to comfort each other and talk about everything that happened in this small time frame. And inevitably, the truth will still come out.

Because nothing stays a secret forever.

“Do you want to know a secret?” Jaehyun started taking a step back and pulling me with him. “You’re little wife here hasn’t been all too honest with you. She hasn’t been for a very long time.”

“That’s enough!” Taeyong shouted from inside the living room, making everyone jump from the volume of his voice.

“Let her go now! And get out!” He yelled again walking to where we all stood. Sicheng quietly following behind him. “You’ve done enough Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun chuckled and held me tighter, “Don’t act like you had no part in this. If it weren’t for you, then none of this would have happened.”

“What?” I asked and Taeyong darted his gaze to me before he dropped it and shook his head. “It wasn’t like that (Y/N), I promise. I didn’t think any of whatever this is would have happened.” He answered forcing his gaze away from the floor and bringing it to me.

“What the hell is everyone talking about? What is no one telling me?!” Yuta shouted feeling frustrated beyond his control now. He was irritated and this whole beating around the bush thing everyone was doing in front of him like he wasn’t here wasn’t helping.

“Your little wife here and you were together that summer you got in that accident. Where now you know, you lost your memories of that relationship.” Jaehyun threw the words out in the open like they meant nothing, like they weren’t going to affect anyone.

The world stopped and everyone disappeared when Yuta looked at me. I watched the way his eyes glossed over and the water accumulated on his water line. The way the air left his lungs and his chest deflated with the words, would be engraved into my memories for the rest of my life.

“Oh and while we’re at it, so you know the whole truth. She was also pregnant but miscarried, I’m assuming because of that accident.” Jaehyun added into the already fucked up turmoil. With that, he let me go and pushed me into Yuta’s arm.

Yuta looked at me and said nothing, he did nothing. But stare at me, his eyes burning into my soul. I wanted to look away, I felt like I needed too but I couldn’t.

“Everyone. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Now!” Yuta suddenly yelled holding me at a distance now, his hands burning into the skin of my arms. Even though he was talking to everyone here, his eyes never looked away from mine.

That look in his eyes will always haunt me and chase me in my nightmares. It was a look I’ve never seen before and if I was being honest, it felt scary. There was such intense feelings in them.

He was capable of murder right now.

“Get out! Everyone! Leave!” He yelled again letting me go and shoving everyone towards the door. I wasn’t even sure when Jaehyun left but he wasn’t there when I turned around to see everyone pooling out the door.

“Doyoung, please don’t let Lucas come.” I called out to him from where I stood in the middle of the door way of the living room. The door was slammed closed before I could hear his response.

I watched Yuta walk over to me again, he stood so close I could feel the heat come off his body. He was breathing down on me and bore his eyes into me. I couldn’t bring my gaze to his, it was too strong so I stared at his chest.

My immediate reaction was to want to run away like I always have and hide, to never have to speak about this to anyone. But that wasn’t an option, not this time.

Yuta had the right to know about the past he didn’t know existed. Because it wasn’t about just my feelings or my hurt anymore. It was about his too.

“Yuta, I-”

He put his hand up to silence me and then turned away from me to go up the stairs. But before he could walk to far away from me, I reached out and grabbed his wrist making him stop.

He turned to me and pulled his wrist out of my hold slowly, “What?” His voice broke and he held back the tears that he wanted to shed so desperately.

There were so many words I wanted to say but I couldn’t because none of them would form for me to articulate the way I wanted. So I did the next best thing, I walked closer to him, wrapped my arms around his torso and hugged him.

Yuta hesitated before he wrapped his arms around me too and rested his chin on the top of my head, there was a couple of sniffles before he spoke again.

“I was awake that night.”

In the end, I was trying to protect a secret that everyone already knew. All my efforts and suffering in silence was in vain. Everything I had to endure since the day of that accident, was all in vain.


	24. Chapter Twenty-Three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That I had lost you, us. 
> 
> Enjoy!

I should have pulled away when he said that but I couldn’t, I didn’t want too. Being in his arms like this was giving me a lot of comfort and I knew it was doing the same for him. So instead, I hugged him a little tighter and nuzzled my face deeper into his chest.

“I’m so sorry Yuta.” I sobbed, the emotions getting the better of me and staining his shirt with my tears. Things should have never been like this. Not for us or anyone. But I wasn’t ready to bring this out into the open and especially not like this.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about (Y/N).” Yuta cooed, petting my hair. He wanted to cry too but he was trying to hide it. And I wish he didn’t feel like he had to do that.

But I could only expect so much knowing how things have been with us since forever now. Always dreadful and miserable. But now he knew the truth so I hoped that things would be different, I hoped so hard that they would be.

“Want to go upstairs?” He asked after standing in the hall for what seemed like hours now. I just nodded my head and he pulled away. He looked down at me and gave me a small smile before lacing our hands together.

At the top of the stairs, Yuta stopped walking and looked straight ahead at the door that lead to _that_ room. His body went stiff and the anger started spewing out of him again. The hand that was holding mine started tightening in grip.

I put my hand on his arm and squeezed his hand, “Yuta, look at me.” He didn’t move or budge so I squeezed his hand again and pulled it towards me, “Please look at me.” With much hesitation, he did.

“I’m right here, no one is in there.” I assured him.

He faked a smile and nodded, “You’re right.”

“Do you want to talk or do you want to leave it for tomorrow and just let everything process first?” He asked.

I thought about it for a moment and decided to leave it up to him instead, I didn’t want to make things any harder for either of us. “I’ll leave it up to you, if you don’t mind.”

Yuta gave me a hard look and squeezed my hand, “I’m not too sure what we’re supposed to do. Or what I’m supposed to be even thinking right now.”

“But I guess it would be better if we start the conversation now.”

It was whatever he wanted so I nodded and waited for him to either go into my room or his. I figured he understood what I was waiting for because he pulled at my hand and walked over his room.

The last time I was in his room was the night he had sex with me, the time I didn’t want too. So it felt weird walking in here and acting as if nothing happened for the time being. We had bigger things to discuss at the moment.

Yuta walked us into his room, sat me on his bed and then brought his computer chair over to sit in front of me. We sat in front of each other and no one said anything, we weren’t even looking each other. We just sat in awkward silence and looked at the floor.

“So.” He started off, trying to break the unbearable atmosphere. “Where do you want to start?” He asked setting his gaze on me.

I squirmed just a bit and looked at him, “Um back to what you said earlier, you said you were awake?”

“Yeah, I was pretty out of it but I don’t know, I just felt you around me when you sat down.” He looked away from me for a second before he continued, “And I was going to say something to you but then you started to touch me and then you started talking.”

“I don’t know what I thought you were going to say but it wasn’t what I was expecting. I thought it was all a dream, like a really vivid dream. But it almost made sense with the things that were happening to me.”

I looked at him confused, “What do you mean? What was happening to you?” I asked playing with my hands on my lap, feeling the anxiety creep up on me. My body started to get hot and uncomfortable.

“From the time we moved in together, I started to get these realistic dreams about you, about us. And none of it was making any sense to me, at all, whatsoever. But it all felt like I was there, like I lived it.” He started to sound annoyed remembering the things he brushed off from before.

“And the more I thought it, I realized that one time I told you I had a dream about us in the kitchen, wasn’t a dream. It was a memory and that’s why you reacted like that. You knew what it was (Y/N).”

“Yuta, I-”

“I’m not done.” He raised his hand to silence me, like he had done before downstairs but now it was a little more aggressive and clearly annoyed. As much as he didn’t want the anger to come up, it was and I wasn’t entirely blaming it on him.

“And then you lied to me.” He accused me, snapping his head in my direction piercing his eyes into mine. I felt like I was being interrogated and that only made my anxiety get riled up.

“You told me you didn’t know about that picture in my book. But you did, I know you did but I didn’t want to say anything that night because it felt like a long shot. That picture was a string of pictures because I found the one where I’m kissing you!” Yuta suddenly raised his voice and I flinched.

I didn’t want to pretend that he wasn’t going to be affected by this or even hurt, of course he was. Who wouldn’t? All of this came so suddenly to him and the way he found out, wasn’t exactly the best way for him find out either.

Yuta had gotten up from the chair and started pacing around the room, pulling at his hair and breathing shallowly. He was becoming exasperated trying to piece everything together on his own. But he couldn’t and I knew that.

I wanted to help him, I really wanted too but the anxiety started to build up too much in me and it was making me freeze where I sat. I wanted to run out and leave this be for now because it was too much for me. I didn’t want to have to relive this right now.

Not with everything that I already am dealing with. I don’t even know what I was thinking anymore, what made me think that this was a good idea?

“And then after hearing you talk to me that night, I knew that everything I was dreaming were just lost memories. Those boxes you saw in the hallway, were boxes from my old room. I figured I must have saved something in them from us, from you.”

He stopped pacing around and looked at me, he took in the way my figure was tensed and the way my nails were digging into the skin of my hands. He looked into my watery eyes and saw how broken I was. Everything was leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.

And for the first time it crossed his mind that if he knew more about us, he could hate me. Hate me for everything I hide him from him, whether it was to protect me and him. Hate me for never telling him that there was a chance he could have been a dad.

But as much as Yuta feared that, he needed to know. He didn’t want to live like this anymore. It was torture for him to not know what really happened that summer. All those broken details needed to make sense to him and he didn’t care at what cost.

So he continued his rightful attack on me, “And I did. I don’t know if you knew when we were together, but I had kept journals. After my accident,” He paused and corrected himself, “_Our_ accident.”

Hearing that finally come from him felt like a knife on my skin, my body shuddered and forced me to look away from him.

“I never went through the most recent one because I had already finished it. So I started a whole new one, never knowing that I had lost you. That I had lost us.” His voice broke and he was on the verge of tears when I looked at him again.

“Yuta, I…” I started but couldn’t continue because I had no words, no thoughts. I had nothing, I just wanted to run away.

“Do you know how hard it was for me to read about us, not knowing that it was even a thing? To hear you talk to me while you thought I was fucking passed out!” He shouted at me.

“To hear that we could have been parents and not be able to react to it because I wanted to hear you say more! There are no words that I can think of that will help you understand how hurt I fucking felt! How broken I was!” He started crying and shouting at me.

“What hurt the most was thinking that I was a fucking idiot for falling in love with you, someone who yelled at me repeatedly that they hated me. But it turns out that I’ve always loved you.”

The tears streamed down his face and all I wanted was to wipe them away. But I couldn’t.

To hear him say that he was in love with him still, caused a fresh wave of anxiety and hurt to explode within me. A part of me knew that he was but I wanted to ignore that, I wanted to push it away and pretend that it wasn’t true.

For many reasons that caused an imaginable fear within me more than anything.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” I whispered, hastily standing up. The tears stung my eyes as I walked to the door. My hand rested on the door knob when Yuta turned me around and slammed me against the hard wood. His hands squeezing my arms.

“No, you’re not leaving me like this. You’re going to hear me and you’re going to explain everything to me right now (Y/N). You are done hiding everything from me.” Yuta hissed millimeters away from my face and slammed his hand on the door.

His eyes were voids again, something I haven’t seen in a long time. His grip was tight and painful, his demeanor was spewing an outrage like never before.

I flinched again when his hands met the wood near my face, “Please let me go, you’re scaring me.” I pleaded, feeling overwhelmed and far too anxious to function anymore.

“Please Yuta, I am begging you. Let me leave.” I pressed my hands against his chest when he held me tighter.

My begging only seemed to make his temper diminish into nothing by the second. A fresh wave of anger flashed in his eyes and it felt like he was bruising my skin.

“I said no. You are going to stay here and tell me everything.” He let go of my arms and gripped my wrist in order to bring me back to where I was sitting on the bed.

Unfortunately, his grip was far too tight and it froze my body from moving. The cold flashbacks of Jaehyun invaded my vision again and the words he said earlier played in the loudest volume in my eardrums.

I was there again. In the room, everything was happening again and I couldn’t stop it. My body hurt and started to ache everywhere. All the air in my lungs disappeared when I felt that sharp pain in between my legs forcing me to drop to my knees.

“Please stop.” I whimpered closing my eyes and making everything go black. I rather see darkness than to see that day replay itself over again. “Don’t, please.”

My hands were on the floor again balled up into fist, tears burning my cheeks. Suddenly two arms wrapped around and I jerked away from the touch thinking it was someone else.

“Stop, please stop.” I cried.

“Open your eyes (Y/N). Open your eyes, I’m right here. Nothing is happening to you.”

Hearing Yuta’s soft voice in my ears made everything disappear into more nothing than it already was. I chocked on my sobs and clung to his body like it was a life raft. My face was buried in the crook of his neck and his arms were tightly wrapped around me.

This felt secure and safe, more than I have felt in the past week in my home, in my own skin. He rubbed soothing circles onto my back and whispered comforting words in my ear in effort to calm me down.

After crying for a few more minutes, my body stopped shaking and I loosened my grip on Yuta. My eyes opened again slowly and they burned as if I hadn’t seen light in years.

“Are you okay?” He asked, holding me against him still.

I was scared to speak so my voice didn’t come out higher than a whisper, “I’m here.” I answered, the frighten feelings fading away and bringing me back to the present moment.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to happen. Did I hurt you?” He asked pulling away from me, enough so he could see my face.

I nodded my head no and looked away from him because I didn’t want to tell him what really happened just now. I didn’t want him to feel like this was his fault all over again after I screamed it at him the other day.

“I’m so sorry for everything Yuta but I can’t do this right now.” I whispered, feeling overwhelmed and drained, I didn’t feel attached to my body right now.

Yuta gave me a warm smile and stood up again, giving me his hand to help me up. He looked at my face and wiped away the tears that remained on my face with his thumbs.

“Have you slept at all? You look exhausted.” He pointed out, brushing the area under my eyes. And it wasn’t until then that I realized just how truly tried I was and in desperate need of sleep. But I was too scared to actually sleep.

Every time I closed my eyes, it all turned into a vivid nightmare, one that never stopped playing.

“I keep having nightmares.” I answered pushing his hands away from my face from where he was still brushing my bags. “Stop doing that, you’re making me feel weird about my bags.” I offered a small smile.

He chuckled but cupped my face again anyway, “If it’ll help, you can sleep with me tonight so that it doesn’t seem that scary.”

“I… if you wouldn’t mind.”

There wasn’t much to think about when he offered, I didn’t want to sleep alone right now. I needed another body in bed to feel safe enough to sleep. And maybe that would stop the nightmares.

“Of course not, you can share my bed anytime.”

We shared smiles and I moved away from him to lay in his bed. It was early in the afternoon but I was desperate for sleep, my soul was drained.

Yuta was shuffling around for a bit before he got into bed next to me and threw his leg over my body. He scratched his nails down my back softly and placed a kiss at the top of my head.

“Do you remember this?” He whispered to me. “Because I do.”


	25. Chapter Twenty-Four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish we had, I really fucking do. 
> 
> Enjoy!

I remember everything about that day. That was the day Yuta promised to always take care of me and protect me. And even though that’s what he’s been doing since we became friends, it held a different meaning then.

Because he wasn’t just going to protect me as his friend but as his girlfriend and then someday as his wife because that what we had always planned for us. To live life happily and together. And at that time we didn’t know it yet but as the mother of his child.

Instead of answering, I turned my body under his leg and cuddled myself into his chest, much like I had done so the first time. His heartbeat was soft and steady against my ear and it was starting to put me to sleep.

Yuta sighed, “I’m sorry for getting angry earlier, you just have to understand where I’m coming from right now.” He apologized when he shouldn’t have.

“Please don’t be sorry.” I mumbled into his chest and finally drifted off to sleep. It was the fastest I had fallen asleep in long time. And it also the most peaceful and dreamless sleep I’ve had in forever.

Everything about this felt right, from being in his arms to hearing his heartbeat against my ear again. It began to feel like home again. A home that I haven’t been in, in eight years.

When I woke up, my eyes took a moment to adjust to my surroundings. The night had settled in and everything was dark. The only light that poured into his room was coming from the window, making it a bit hard to see much.

Yuta had a tight grip around my body, keeping me against his chest. His legs were tangled with mine and keeping my body warm. It seemed as though we didn’t even move from the position we were in when I had fallen asleep earlier.

I shook a little under his grip to be able to make some room to get out of his hold. I tried to be gentle so he wouldn’t wake up. After a few tries, he let me go and turned the other way to lay on his side. I waited a bit before I stood up.

Once it was okay to get up, I got off the bed without waking him, I walked out of his room and stood in the hallway. It was dark and cold, it felt scary. My bedroom door was open and the moonlight was illuminating my room just a tiny bit, also making it hard to see any real details.

Down the hallway, the moonlight coming in from the window lit up the floor in front of the guest room. And it felt like I was being called over to that room and it put a fear in my heart to have to even see that door again.

Brushing the feeling off, I forced my legs to move and made my way down stairs. It felt much easier going down the stairs now than it was earlier, there was no pain holding me back. But still, I took my time, I was in no rush to go anywhere.

At the bottom of the stairs, I looked in the living room and saw the mess that it was. For sure tomorrow I would do some kind of cleaning in this house. It didn’t feel so scary being outside of my room anymore and that’s what I wanted to feel.

There were big windows at the top of the kitchen that allowed the moonlight to pour into the room, coloring everything in a soft silver. Everything and everyone disappeared and it was just me in this moment, in my kitchen enjoying the moment that was.

In the comfort of the calm silence and soft colors, I made myself a cup of tea and took a seat at the island, facing away from the door. I let the feelings of everything that has happened sink in, to really just think about what is happening and what I’m going to do now.

Yuta knows the truth now but he doesn’t remember. Everything that he has dreamed, read or I told him are just words that don’t have much value to them because he doesn’t remember it. Everything is a puzzle to him and he can’t put it back together.

“Here you are.”

I jumped at the sound of his voice and turned to look at him from where I sat. His blonde hair was messy, his bottoms hung loosely on his waist and as always, he never wore a shirt. And sleep was still heavy in his eyes but there was a soft smile on his lips.

“You scared me, why do you creep up on me like that Yuta?” I whined turning back to my tea. His soft chuckle echoed around me when he walked past me to get to the stove.

I watched the way he filled the small pot with water and turned on the stove. While the water heated up, he walked around to get a mug and his choice of tea. He poured his desired amount of sugar and honey into the empty cup then the now boiling water.

“You’re staring.” He pointed out while his back was to me and then turned to meet my gaze. “Is this how you feel when I stare?” He asked walking over to where I sat and took the seat next to me.

I raised my cup to my face to cover the smile that sprouted at his comment, “All the time.”

“How’d you sleep?”

“It was probably the fastest I have fallen asleep in a long time.” I looked at him and gave him a genuine smile, “Thank you for letting me sleep with you.”

Yuta smiled back and reached over to move a piece of hair behind my ear, “You’re welcome. Like I said, you’re more than welcome to keep sleeping in my bed if it lets you sleep better.”

I set my mug down and turned in my seat again to face him, I felt there was something that I needed to say because it’s been eating away at me since it happened. He looked at the way I was sitting and followed so he was looking at me too.

“I’m sorry for what I said to you that day you came knocking on my door. It wasn’t and it isn’t your fault that…” I paused and looked away from him a moment, “That, that thing happened to me. I was just angry and needed someone to blame it on.” I reached for his hand.

“That’s no excuse of course but I really am sorry. When you came to my door after the boys left, you said you were sorry and I wanted to tell you then that it wasn’t your fault. But I just couldn’t.”

In the middle of my apology, I guess I started to get teary eyed because Yuta let my hands go and brought his up to face and wiped away near my eyes.

“Hey, there’s nothing you have to be sorry about either. I guess at first I didn’t understand why you said it was my fault. But after this afternoon, I can understand why you said what you said. He was my friend after all and I brought him into the house.”

Yuta started to take the fault for things that weren’t in his control and that made me feel terrible because I’m the one that made him believe that. What happened with Jaehyun is no one’s fault but Jaehyun.

“No please don’t say that. It’s not your fault, it never has been and it will never be. It’s all his and only his. I’m sorry for what I said and I’m so sorry that I made you believe that.”

He looked at me and smiled, giving me a small nod and then he let go of my face and turned back to his tea. After that, we sat in a comfortable silence again and finished of what was left of our teas. I finished mine first and got up to leave the mug in the sink.

“Are you going back to sleep?” He asked putting his mug in the sink as well. I thought about it for a second and nodded, “Yeah, I could probably sleep for the next three days if I really put myself to it.”

We walked back to upstairs and we stood in between our rooms not entirely sure what the next move was, we just looked at each other and smiled.

Yuta reached for my hand and pulled it towards him, “Come on lets go back to bed.” He walked us into his room and I once again crawled into his bed, ready for peaceful sleep. Instead of laying on my belly like I had last time, I laid on my side facing him.

He got into bed after me and I immediately cuddled myself into his chest, wanting to hear the sound of his heartbeat again. He softly chuckled and wrapped me in his arms, tangling our legs together and rested his chin at the top of my head.

Even though I felt tired, I didn’t want to sleep just yet because I wanted to enjoy the warmth that his body was giving me, it felt different now. It felt the way it always had before and somehow I forgot that I missed it, so much.

“Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to though.”

“Hmm okay.”

“Do you really think _we_ would have had a boy?”

The question felt like a kick to the ribs and the tears stung my eyes. Having Yuta ask that was a pain I never thought I would be able to feel. But I can’t imagine that it’s worse than what he felt and that’s why I answered even though it hurt me.

“I do. I know that we would have.” I whispered against his chest, my voice cracked for a split second.

He held me tighter and placed a kiss on my forehead, “I wish we had. I really fucking do.”

“I know, me too.”

No matter how much time passed, no matter what relationship Yuta and I have or had, I will always wish that I had my child with me. And I would never change the fact that Yuta would have been the father.

_I was in the kitchen making food for myself when I heard someone trying to open the front door. I stopped what I was doing and went to stand in the hallway to see who was trying to come in. The door started to open and when I saw who walked in, I was confused. _

_At the end of the hallway stood a young version of me and Yuta. And I was carrying a new born baby. _

_“Welcome home Mizuki.” Yuta whispered to the baby and smiled at me. I looked up at him and smiled wide, reaching up to give him a peck. _

_“Welcome home baby boy.” I smiled down at the baby in my arms. _

_They passed right by me to head out of the room and I assumed they couldn’t see me because none of them said anything. I watched them go down the stairs hand in hand murmuring something about their baby. _

_I walked into the room and carefully walked towards the crib, I didn’t want wake him up and alert his actual parents. But I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d recognize me as his mom, I am her after all, just older. _

_My breath got caught in my lungs when I looked into the crib and his eyes were open with the sweetest smile I had ever seen in my life. He was the most precious thing in this world, there was no doubt he was a child of Yuta and me. _

_His light brown eyes and smile matched his father’s. And I can only imagine he got Yuta’s hotheaded temper too. I would have loved to see it. And as for me so far, he got a full head of black hair and a button nose. _

_He raised his little arms at me, opening and closing his fist for me to carry him. I know I shouldn’t have but I needed too, I had too. I carefully picked him up and brought his little head to my shoulder. He giggled and rested his head on me. I hugged my baby for the first and last time. _

_“You are beyond precious Mizuki. I never got to know you or even have you but I love you with my whole heart. Your dad knows about you now and I know that he would have loved you just as much as I do.” _

_My tears spilled when I pulled him away from my shoulder so I could see his face. He was still smiling and his eyes were beaming at me. One of his little hands came up to my cheek and there was a warmth that exploded within my chest. _

_“I love you too.” _

“Hey, its okay. I got you, wake up.”

Yuta was lightly shaking me awake and wiping away at my face. I opened my eyes and looked at him confused and out of place. I sat up against the headboard and he pulled his hands away from me.

The sun was shining into his room, covering everything in a light golden color. The birds were chirping letting me know it was early in the morning still. I wiped away the sleep from my eyes and that’s when I felt wetness surrounding my eyes.

“What happened?” I asked looking at him.

“I don’t know, you were moving around a lot and then I woke up to you crying in your sleep.” He explained taking a seat next to me against the headboard, “You said the name ‘Mizuki’ once or twice I think.”

“Oh.” I mumbled looking down realizing what I dreamt. My heart felt heavy and sad, there was nothing more that I wanted than to hide under the covers and stay in bed all day. I haven’t thought about my miscarriage this much since it happened.

I always wanted to be a mom, to carry a child in my belly and feel everything there was to feel that came with pregnancy. From the good to the bad, the cravings and morning sickness, to labor. I was ready for that stage in my life, no matter the age.

So much so that I never even thought taking birth control or anything like plan B because it was just something I never wanted to put in my body. I always thought that when I get pregnant, that was it for me. There was nothing to think about, I was having a baby.

At least that was my mindset before. But after the tragedies that took place in my life, I decided that it would be best to start it because I didn’t want to go through something similar to that again.

Anyway, after the doctor told me what happened, it was a difficult time for me. Had Yuta not lost his memory, it would have still been just as hard. Because I lost a piece of myself that I always wanted and looked for. And to know that it was right there and not even know, hurt. It broke the person that I was.

Having to go through it alone made it that much harder. I was having nightmares left and right, days in and out about the miscarriage and Yuta, sometimes they were together. Which is the only reason why I was so sure we would have had a boy.

This wasn’t the first time I dreamt about my baby, but it was the first time that wasn’t a nightmare.

It was the first time, I actually saw him. It was the first time I carried him and spoke to him. And it was the first time he actually had a name, ‘Mizuki.’ I have no idea what that name even means but its nice, it sounds like a beautiful name.

My baby looked exactly like what I had pictured him to look like and that made me happy. So happy that I can’t even put words to it. I felt the warmth of his little body still in my arms, I felt the fading warmth of his hand on my cheek.

And I’m probably crazy but before I woke up, I know I heard the faint little voice of someone saying they loved me too. Deep in my heart, I want to believe it was my baby boy. So fucking bad do I want to believe that.

“It’s a Japanese name.” Yuta’s soft voice brought me out of my thoughts and I looked at him. His knees were up to his chest, with his chin rested on them while his arms were wrapped around his legs.

“It means beautiful moon.” He explained and looked at me, his eyes meeting mine. They were glossy and sad, he was hurting. That name meant something to him, the same way it meant something to me now.

And it was in that moment, as I looked into Yuta’s sad eyes that I realized I didn’t have to go through this alone, not again. Even though I already went through all these emotions many years ago, I didn’t have someone to lean on.

These were new emotions for Yuta and just because he couldn’t be there for me when this happened, doesn’t mean that I can’t be there for him now. It’ll be hard for me to go through these emotions again but all I wanted the first time was for Yuta to be there for me.

And this was life’s fucked up way again of giving me what I had wanted many years back.

“I had a dream about _our_ son, Yuta.”


	26. Chapter Twenty-Five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our friendship, our love and care has always and will always be unconditional. 
> 
> Enjoy!

The words almost didn’t feel real saying them out loud the way that I did. But they were and I felt relieved to have been able to say them after so long. They didn’t feel as heavy as when I thought them.

Yuta closed his eyes causing a tear to slide down his cheek. My immediate reaction was to reach over and wipe it away like he does to me all the time.

With his eyes still closed, he nuzzled his face into my hand for a brief second and then opened his eyes again. They were sad and hurting, to an extent that I’m sure he didn’t understand. But I knew those feelings well and I knew how much they hurt.

I pulled my hand away from his face and scooted closer to him so I could rest my head on his shoulder. I pulled his hand away from the hold he had on his leg and laced it together with mine, giving him a reassuring squeeze.

“I know it’s hard to process or to even think about it but I’m here for you.” I kissed his shoulder, “I’m sorry for never telling you.” I apologized.

“But I couldn’t, things were too complicated Yuta. I’m so sorry.” 

He squeezed my hand and turned his head to press his lips against my forehead, “You had your reasons for not telling me. I can’t imagine that it was easy for you to go through that on your own.”

“I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me most.”

I sighed and rested my head against his shoulder again looking straight ahead, “Don’t apologize for things that were out of your control. You’re here now and that’s all that matters. We can be here for each other now.” I assured him.

“Did you hate me for not remembering? For not being there for you when you miscarried?” He asked, his voice low and hurt.

Our faces were just millimetres away from each other when I looked up at him. We said nothing and stared at each other, eyes looking into each other as if the rest of the world didn’t exist. Anything that I was going to say was forgotten for the moment being.

Yuta’s eyes wondered away from my eyes for a split second and went down to my lips. I couldn’t help but do the same, it felt like the world stopped moving. The air was caught in my lungs when he moved in just a little more.

“No.” I breathed out when his lips brushed against mine. And then my eyes fully closed when he kissed me. It was soft and tender, our lips moved in sync, just like they always did.

The hand that wasn’t holding mine came up to my face and he stroked his thumb against my cheek. My free hand copied his action as well. Our noses bumped each other as we moved our faces to the opposite side, deepening the kiss more.

The need for air forced us to pull away and it felt like nothing had changed. Everything felt the same way it had way back when. In the times when we were both in love and shared the same heart.

Our foreheads were resting against each other’s and our eyes were closed. Our breath’s mingled together at the closeness we were in. Hands were still locked together and on each other’s faces, his thumb stroked my cheek softy.

“Tell me about your dream.” Yuta broke the silence that surrounded us and I opened my eyes first. I looked at his face, taking in his features and thought about everything and nothing at once. And the more I looked at his face the more I started to realize things.

I had no idea where this was going or if it was going to go anywhere. But deep in my heart, I knew that I couldn’t let this be something more again because I don’t feel what I did before. And I didn’t want him to misunderstand when I said no.

Yuta asked if I stopped loving him back then, in the past. And I answered no because I didn’t. If he asked if I loved him now, I would have answered no too. Because I don’t, not the way I did before.

He will always have the biggest piece of my heart but I moved on. I was forced too when he lost his memory and of course I don’t blame that on him. But I couldn’t wait around forever, I couldn’t wait for something that might have never happened.

I waited three years for his memory to come back and it never did. And it’s unfair to think that after eight years when he finally knows the truth that I’m just supposed to go back to what we had, to what we were.

Yuta is and was the love of my life, now and always. No one will ever take that away from him. But it’s a different love now. A love that I will always be supportive of and cheer on but from afar, maybe as a friend someday.

But not as a lover again.

Yuta opened his eyes again and looked deeply into mine, they were soft and welcoming. All these emotions were running wild in them and it was overwhelming for me to even see it, I can’t imagine what he was feeling or thinking.

I gave him a warm smile and moved to rest my head against his shoulder again, I began to describe my dream to him. In all the details I could remember, the warmest feeling grew in the depths of me as I talked about my baby.

And that’s how we spent the morning, sitting against his headboard, talking about my dream and what could have been if I hadn’t lost the baby. It was a hard conversation to have for the both us. But I was honest with him.

Telling him that this was difficult for me to talk about because I suffered on my own for a long time and always wanted to keep the baby for myself. It was just me who knew about what happened and that’s how I wanted it to be after I couldn’t talk to him.

I think it was that part that hurt Yuta the most but it also made him angry. The hurt overpowered the anger in him, keeping him at bay for the time being. I’m sure there will be a time soon again where he will react like he did earlier, with rage.

His hurt came from not knowing about the miscarriage and from not being able to be there for me when it happened. It hurt him to know that there were endless nights that I cried on my own and because of the loss of the baby and him losing his memory, it catapulted me into a severe depression.

The anger also came from not knowing, for not being there. For not trying harder to be at my side once I started pushing him away. He tried not be angry at me for not telling him but he couldn’t help it, it was just a feeling that kept coming up.

And I don’t blame him for feeling like that. Just like I don’t blame myself for not telling him. I did what I had to do to protect myself. I couldn’t handle both loses at once, I wasn’t strong enough. So I had to push him away and hide the truth from him.

“Would you change the fact that I could have been the father of your child?” Yuta suddenly asked. I almost wanted to laugh at how ridiculous that question sounded.

“Never.” I turned to look at him again because I wanted him to see the sincerity in my eyes and hear it in my voice. “No matter what, I would never change that.”

He faced forward and his lips curled into a small smile. He was more than relieved to hear that and I was too knowing that he believed me.

We eventually started the day in the early afternoon and went downstairs for something to eat. We sat in the kitchen in silence and then moved into the living room to do some cleaning. Everything was a mess and it was hard to stay calm in the horrible reminder of what happened in this place yesterday.

Yuta picked up the knocked down tables and flowers, while I picked up the broken glass that littered the floor. The stains of blood on the carpet made me queasy knowing that it possibly belonged to Jaehyun too and not just Doyoung.

I must have stopped what I was doing and just stared at the blood because Yuta came over to me and blocked my view of it. I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at him, “Sorry, I just got lost in thought.”

“It’s okay, I’m here for you now, you’re not in this alone anymore (Y/N).” He assured me, flashing me his healing smile. And that made my heart fill with warmth, a new kind of warmth.

After cleaning the living room, we went back up to the second floor. At this point, I felt like we were okay enough for me to disappear from his side for a bit. But I wasn’t entirely too sure on how to say it while we stood in between our rooms again.

“There was someone I needed to talk to right now, do you mind if I go to my room?” I stuttered out, unsure of what we were going to do right now.

Yuta’s eyes flashed of a quick hurt before he covered it with a smile and nodded, “Of course.” He turned and walked into his room, closing his door.

So maybe it wasn’t the right time and I know I should have gone after him but I needed to do this first. I needed to know what I was going to do right now with the way things were playing out between us. Because it wasn’t just me right now.

I walked into my room and disconnected my phone that has been charging for over a day now. When I picked it up, it was overworked with notifications of endless calls and texts from Doyoung, Hendery, Lucas and Ten.

Doyoung was apologizing for what happened and how the situation was handled but he just couldn’t find his self-control. Not when it came to what happened to me, he wanted to protect me, always. And he feels like he failed in doing that.

I texted him back telling him to not feel like that, because no one could have protected me from what happened. I was in danger the moment I opened my door, I never even suspected it. But I did thank him for feeling that why and for wanting to protect me.

[Bunny]: You may not be mine anymore (Y/N) but I will always love you. And will do whatever I can to protect you.

[Me]: I love you, now and always. Thank you for protecting me, for loving me.

My heart ached a tad replying back to that message because now it felt like what it was, a goodbye. A goodbye between lovers that were no longer anything more than friends. And now had to be strangers again in order to heal and move on.

Doyoung was a big part of my life and I will always love him. He saved me when I was ready to give up and for that, I will never be able to thank him enough. He was my hero. 

Hendery and Ten started off with texts of worry and concern. But the closer I got to the most recent ones, sent from yesterday evening to this morning were filled with raw anger. For a second I didn’t understand how or why they suddenly got so anger but the more I read, the more I understood.

Doyoung told them what happened and they didn’t know what to do with themselves. They understood my reasoning for not telling them, for not opening up to them. But they were distraught to know that I was suffering on my own, going through storms of nightmares and never noticed.

[Me]: Please don’t feel like that, not because of this. I hid it too well for anyone to notice, sometimes I even forgot because I pushed it away so easily.

[Me]: Hendery, Ten, I love you guys so much. I really do, thank you for everything that you do for me.

[Chitapurr]: I love you too (Y/N). When I’m able to see you again, I’m giving you the BIGGEST hug. 

[Donkey]: I love you too (Y/N). And I agree with Ten, we’re cracking all your ribs when we see you again so get ready.

Our friendship, our love and care has always and will always be unconditional.

And for Lucas, there weren’t enough words in dictionary to begin to describe how he felt or what I felt knowing what he felt. He was hurting knowing that he couldn’t be with me right now, to comfort me and hold me.

After he left my house the day he found out, he’s been a mess, he’s falling apart not knowing what to do. But as much as he wants to be here with me, he understands that Yuta needs the space with me to understand things.

He told me that he knows it’s selfish to be thinking of things like this at the moment but he’s scared. Scared that now that Yuta knows about the past we shared and his feelings for me, what if my feelings change and I want to be with him?

I could swear up and down, left and right that wouldn’t be the case but I can’t. I don’t know what will happen in this situation and nothing scared me more than that. Because in my heart, I knew that I wanted to be with Lucas. He made me happy and he was trying to give me the world.

But at the end of the day, I knew that I didn’t love him (yet) and I don’t know if our relationship would ever even get there anymore because I was already married.

Married to Nakamoto Yuta, the once love of my life, my first in many things. Someone who I had once planned a whole future with. Someone that still loved me.

[Me]: Things are very much up in the air right now but in this very moment right now, I know that I want to be with you Lucas and no one else.

[Me]: I can’t promise that things will get better by tomorrow or even in a month but my feelings for you won’t change. I like you and so much.

_I’d do everything I could to protect this relationship and him._


	27. Chapter Twenty-Six.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know. I have not a single fucking clue on how or what I’m supposed to feel. All of this makes sense to me but at the same time it doesn’t
> 
> Enjoy!

About two hours into our phone call, Lucas had finally managed to make me smile and laugh. And it felt good to feel that kind of emotion again, even if it was for a little while. I had moved from my desk to my window to finally laying on my bed.

I laid looking at the ceiling, giggling about something he had said when my door opened and Yuta’s head peaked in, “Oh. You’re on the phone.”

The sound of his voice startled me and I quickly sat up, “I have to go, we’ll talk later, bye.” I ended the call and placed my phone to my side.

“Yuta, you scared me.”

He fully walked in now and was just standing by the door. His eyes met mine and half smiled, “Sorry, I tend to do that a lot to you.” He scratched the back of his neck. I smiled back at him and was getting ready to say something when he spoke again.

“Is he really your boyfriend?” Yuta asked, his body tensing as the word fell past his lips. Despite his best efforts to sound normal, the word still came out harsh. But there was a hint of sadness behind it. And to hear it felt rough.

His eyes were boring into mine and it was making me feel uncomfortable, more than usual. I couldn’t maintain eye contact and forced myself to look away. My eyes were set on the floor in front of his feet, feeling as if I was being scolded.

“No, he’s not.” I answered in a whisper, wishing my answer could be different. Wishing that everything about this situation could be different.

I looked back at Yuta and he just nodded to my answer, not quite sure if he wanted to believe me or not. But he decided that this was something that could wait for another time, we other things to be worried about the moment.

“Can I take a seat?” He asked taking one small step closer near me. I nodded and patted the empty space on my bed but he ignored my gesture and pulled my chair over to me instead. It hurt my feelings that he acted that way.

“Why was Doyoung here?” He asked once he settled in the seat and gave me a long hard look. My eyes darted from watching him to my bathroom that had the door open. The motion of my eyes didn’t go unnoticed by him but he refrained from turning around to see where I was looking at.

For a moment all these disgusting thoughts went rampant in his mind, thinking that I did the worst. So he couldn’t help but blurb out, “Did anything happen between you two?”

I looked away from the bathroom and back at him, offended to know that’s where his head went to first. Out of all the things to say or think, of course it would be that. “Excuse me?”

That’s when it snapped out of his mind, remembering everything that happened. And he felt a little stupid for thinking such things in a moment like this. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I was just surprised he was here, is all.”

I gave him a hard look for a split second before I eased up, knowing it was just an impulse thing he always had. Blinded by his anger in small spurts causes him to speak without thinking.

“He was told about what happened and was asked if he could some see me. To see if it would make a difference or something. He just wanted to make sure I was okay.” I answered with half the truth.

At this moment, I didn’t have the heart to tell Yuta the truth about what really happened that day. It was best to leave that out for the moment being. I didn’t want to add more worries to him.

“Oh okay.” He nodded and stared at me. I looked back at him, “How are you feeling?” For the first time today, I asked a question. He took a deep breath and dropped his head, hunching over and holding his hands.

“I don’t know. I have not a single fucking clue on how or what I’m supposed to feel. All of this makes sense to me but at the same time it doesn’t.” Yuta answered, picking up his head and looking at me again.

There was an emotion in his eyes and I knew all too well that it was anger. His rage was starting to build again and I know that he was trying to hold back but maybe that’s what he needed, to be angry and feel all of it.

“I want to be angry. I want to be so angry with you right now, for the past month actually. I just want to scream and yell, I want to ignore you, to pretend that you aren’t even here.” He paused to see if his words had any effect on me. They didn’t, at least none that he would see.

To not see the affect his words had on me only made him angrier. Right now, he wanted to hurt me, the same way I did to him. And I was okay with that because I wasn’t going to fight him on it, he had the right to feel the way that he did.

“And most of all, I want to hate you.”

I didn’t expect those words to hurt me as much as they did, it felt like my heart got punched. I dropped my gaze and nodded, not sure what words to say. My eyes started to burn with tears and I did my best to hold it in.

The last thing I wanted was for him to see me cry about what he said. Even though I know that’s what he wanted and I wanted to give that to him, it felt too venerable for me.

“Maybe you should then.”

Yuta’s heart dropped, saying that hurt him more. He didn’t want to hear that, he wanted a different answer. Anything that made him believe that we could be what we were.

“What?” He raised his voice ever so slightly and his body tensed, he was pissed off now.

“I don’t want to hurt you or make you angrier Yuta. But if that’s what you feel then you should. Maybe that’ll help you.” I answered, still not looking at him.

He suddenly grabbed my chin and forcefully made me look at him, “Look me in the eyes and tell me that’s what you want. Tell me right now that you want me to hate you.” 

For his well being, for him, I had to lie again. My eyes closed, suppressing the tears when I opened them again, “I want you to hate me.” I spoke firmly, as if it was the most casual thing I could say. But deep inside I felt the hurt.

Yuta scoffed, letting go of my face and standing up so he could hover over me. “Then it’s a good thing I don’t even remember you the way you remember me.” He hissed and walked to the door, opening it and stopping before he stepped out.

He turned to look at me and our eyes met, making the words he said hurt more than they ever should have. Those words were strong enough to kill my heart.

“I hope those stupid memories never come back to me (Y/N). None of them.”

The sound of my heart cracking wide open in my chest was louder than the door being slammed. The tears I was trying to hold in broke free, running down my cheeks, to my lap.

“I’m so sorry Yuta.” I whispered into my empty room, somehow hoping that he’d hear me, that he’d know that I didn’t mean it. Of course I didn’t want him to hate me but I also didn’t want him to love me.

Not again, not like this.

This is what needed to be done, for his well being.

Everything that I have done until now has been for him. Not telling him about us, about what we had was for his well being. He ran the risk of having a meltdown or worse, and I couldn’t put the love of my life at risk like that.

The rest of the day passed with me locked away in my room, like the ‘normal’ life that I lived in. A part of me wanted to go back to Yuta but I knew that it was best to leave things the way they were now. He had a million and ten feelings to work through and being around me was only going to confuse him more.

Night time came around sooner than I thought and I sat in bed, scared. I couldn’t sleep thinking that I was going to have nightmares again. That one night with Yuta, did a lot to sooth my nightmares. And without him, I just couldn’t bear the thought of having to be alone during that again.

It was around two in the morning when I decided to go down to the kitchen for a snack since I didn’t have dinner. When I left my room, I saw that Yuta’s bedroom door was open and I couldn’t help but quietly see what he was doing. His light was off and I saw a lump in bed, so I guess he was sleeping. I sighed and moved away to go downstairs.

In the kitchen, I grabbed a yogurt from the fridge and sat on the island again. Thinking and letting myself wander into fantasies. All the thoughts of could have been started weighing on me so I rested my head against the cold marble and closed my eyes.

When I opened my eyes again, I wasn’t in the kitchen anymore but in my room and under my covers. I looked around confused, wondering what happened last night. I reached over for my phone and read the time, 10:30.

After a much needed shower, I changed into a new pair of sweats and hoodie and made my way downstairs. I felt starved and decided to make myself breakfast, leaving my room I saw that Yuta’s was empty. He must be out or something, I wanted to thank him for taking me to bed last night.

When I walked into the kitchen, I saw a bare back facing me and head full of messy blonde locks, it seems as though he just woke up too. He noticed my presences and side eyed me for a moment before he went back to his own thing.

I quietly walked to the fridge and pulled out a yogurt again, deciding that I wasn’t in the mood for anything to heavy at the moment. When I turned to thank him, he wasn’t sitting at the island anymore, but putting his dishes in the sink.

“Thank you for last night.”

Yuta didn’t even spare me a glance as he walked past me and out of the kitchen. It was like he didn’t even realize that I was standing right here. I sighed and put the yogurt back, I lost my appetite now. Instead I grabbed a bottle of water and went back to my room.

When I passed the living room, I saw him sitting on the couch, staring into the void. There was a lot of things he needed to figure out and resolve and I wanted to give him the space for that. It was better this way, I reminded myself when I reached my room.

_Two weeks later._

Yuta was still not talking to me. Every time I went into the same room he was in, he’d walk out before the door even closed. So I did my best to not run into him as much as I could so that he could have some kind of comfort in his own home.

Around the fifth day since everything happened, Taeyong and Sicheng came by to talk to him. I did my best not to eavesdrop but I wanted to know what was going on. Besides, Yuta started raising his voice at some point in the conversation.

Taeyong was mostly talking and apologizing for what happened and heavily blamed it on himself. Apparently, it was him who heard me talking too passed out Yuta and out of shock and being naive, he told Jaehyun. Thinking that he could trust him but clearly he was wrong.

Before he left, he asked if he come see me and Yuta told him he didn’t care and left the house. So he quietly called for me from down the stairs, knowing that I had heard the conversation. I didn’t hesitate to go running down the stairs and throw myself into his arms.

He was practically in tears when he hugged me back and repeatedly apologized for what happened. I, on the other hand cried in his embrace and told him it wasn’t his fault. Because it wasn’t and I refused to let him think otherwise.

Sicheng watched from the side and didn’t really know what to do with any of the information, he was just kind of there. He eventually did also apologize for his previous behavior towards me and I did as well, explaining because of what I had with Yuta, I wanted to be away from everything that involved him.

Yuta eventually got over his anger at Taeyong and they started being in the house again and it felt good to hear their chatter and ruckus after so long. I didn’t quite realize how much I missed it till it was all I heard for two days on end.

He did ask once what happened to that ‘son of a bitch’ to which they responded that they didn’t know. The last time they saw him was that day and since then, no one has seen or heard from him. Not like they were trying to get a hold of him either. 

Best bet was that he skipped out of town or something, I didn’t care. As long as it was far, far away from here and me. As much as it was reasonable to press charges, I just couldn’t deal with making this public, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Hendery and Ten stopped by a few days ago and as promised, they hugged me so tight till it hurt and I couldn’t breathe. That was the best I’ve ever felt not breathing, being in the arms of my two thirds of a heart.

We talked and it was safe to say that at some point, the three of us cried endlessly while we talked about everything that happened. I wanted nothing more than to just talk to them and make me feel sane again, even if it was a little bit.

The same way I had with Lucas and Doyoung, I took my time and explained to them in detail what happened between Yuta and me. From the very start to the very end. Even though Doyoung had explained to them what happened already, it wasn’t the full details.

They asked many questions and had many concerns but when they left, they felt much better knowing the truth now. They couldn’t wait till the day I felt comfortable enough to leave the house again so that we could hang out, so they could take me away from the life I lived for an afternoon.

They warmed my heart and that really made everything better for me. I loved those boys to death and I was and am, and will always be so grateful for them. They were truly my best friends.

Lucas, even though he was practically shriveling up into a ball of nothing without me and without seeing me, he still maintained his distance from me. Especially after what happened with Yuta, he didn’t want to make things harder for me.

So he swallowed his pride and hurt and kept away from me until I told him otherwise. It was really hard for me to away from him for so long but I kept thinking about Yuta and what was good for his needs and his well being.

It’s been a long time since I’ve stepped outside into the real world. To say that I haven’t even stepped out into my backyard because the simple thought scared me. But I decided that it was time to leave the house.

I’ve been inside for weeks and I was starting to feel suffocated, I was drowning in the misery that lived in this house. And the way things were with Yuta, it wasn’t helping. I needed to leave, I needed to get out. And my god, did I fucking hope that it wouldn’t affect our already broken ass relationship.

I showered and changed into a pair of skinny jeans, an oversized hoodie and my converse. I grabbed my phone and car keys, ready to go. Going down the stairs, my heart started beating heavily in my chest. I was starting to get scared but I needed to do this.

Because if I didn’t do this now, I never would. My hand rested on the door knob for what felt like hours scared of the outside. "Just breathe," I told myself when I twisted the knob and did the opposite when I pulled it open.

The cold wind of the winter day hit my face and tried to fill my lungs. I exhaled and felt refreshed when the much fresher air filled my lungs. I took several deep breaths, enjoying the cold path the air left in its place.

The drive to where I needed to be didn’t feel as long as it was. I drove with my windows down and enjoyed the way my face got cold in the wind. It calmed the heat that started to invade my body over the anxiety that I got from being outside the house.

I parked in front of the house and made my way to the door. I felt anxious about being here but I needed to be here, I needed to see him. I stood outside his door and gave it a second for my breath to settle down.

With much hesitation, I knocked on the door twice and waited to hear sound on the other side. I hoped he wasn’t still asleep since it was only nine in the morning. I didn’t hear anything yet so I rang the doorbell this time.

It sounded throughout the house and that’s when I heard faint groaning coming closer to the door. I was getting nervous again and decided to maybe it wasn’t best to be here yet. I turned and that’s when the door opened.

“(Y/N)?”

I turned around to face him and became incredibly overwhelmed. He opened the door, shirtless and lose bottoms hanging off his hip with the strings tied in a bow at the front. His chestnut hair was messy and out of place. He never looked so beautiful.

“Lucas.” I threw myself at him and wrapped my legs around his waist. He stumbled back but caught me, holding me up by my butt. “Baby girl, what are you doing here?”

“I missed you, I needed to see you.” I cried into his shoulder quietly, hugging him tighter. He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me tighter and guided us into his room, where he softly placed me on his bed.

“Just give me a second and I’ll be right back.” He excused himself, stepping out of his room and into the bathroom I assume. While he was away I took the liberty of crawling into his bed and snuggling into his covers and pillows.

Before I knew it, the comfort consumed me and my eyelids started to get heavy. I tried to push it away but I haven’t been sleeping well at all. And that wasn’t new of course, but the fear felt consuming every time I was in my own bed that it was almost impossible to get sleep there.


	28. Chapter Twenty-Seven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not updating last week, I was busy with work BUT we're back today for a new chapter filled with sorrow. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_ _

_The surface under me was soft and silk like, I realized that I was laying down on a bed. One I have never seen before. The room I was in was dark, with only a dim light coming in from the window and the bottom of the door. _

_The air was blistering cold around me, my body was shivering. I laid on my side, balled up with my knees almost touching my chest. I looked down at my body to see it bare and bruised. _

_My body was stiff when I tried to stretch myself out, every muscle I moved cried in agony. They were hand prints on my wrists and deep shades of purple on my ankles. And worst of all, my core ached. _

_And I have only felt that pain once before. _

_I tried my best to move as fast as possible to get off the bed and look for anything to cover myself with. But I couldn’t even make the effort to swing my leg off the side of the bed because my whole body was in pain. _

_Every move I made, made tears gather in my waterline, “What the hell happened?” I asked out loud. It wasn’t until I sat up that I realized my brain was pounding against my skull, felt like it was throbbing to be set free. _

_Suddenly the door was opened and a dark figure walked in, holding something in their hand. There wasn’t enough light to see who it was but the outside looked like the hallway of my house. And then it dawned on me where I was. _

_The room filled with a burning light that made my eyes automatically close because it stung. My hand came up to block the light so I could open my eyes and see what was going on. And I wish I had never opened my eyes or even have woken up. _

_In front of me stood no other than Jung Jaehyun, staring me down fully clothed. In his hand he had a glass of water and a plate full of fruit. _

_“You’re awake. How did you sleep?” He walked over to me and sat near me on the bed. When I tried to scramble away from him, my body moved freely and nothing hurt. _

_Jaehyun had a confused look on his face, “What’s wrong baby?” He asked reaching over to me, trying to touch my face. I got off the bed and when I looked down at my body again, I was dressed in a set of pajamas and the bruises were gone. _

_“Don’t fucking call me that.” I pointed at him. “What are you doing here? Why are you here?” I yelled at him and he looked so hurt that I raised my voice at him. He placed the things down and with caution walked over to me. _

_“Baby, what’s going on?” He asked again, trying to get a hold of me. I watched his hand reach over to me and that’s when I saw the gold band on his finger. I immediately looked at my own hand and I had a matching one on. _

_The tears started pooling again, “What happened to Yuta?” I asked backing up against the wall. _

_Jaehyun’s face went serious at the mention of his name and the soft demeanor he was oozing of before quickly changed into anger, “He won’t keep us apart anymore baby. It’s just us two now.” _

_He closed the gap between us, pressing me more into the wall and placed his hands on my waist. I started to push away from him crying. _

“Stop!” I yelled sitting up, clawing at my arms to erase the burning touch that lingered on my skin.

Next to me, Lucas shot up confused and startled but quickly and gently pulled my hands away from doing any real harm to myself, “Hey, hey, look at me baby. You’re okay, you’re right here. Don’t do that.” He cooed.

He kneeled in front of me and cupped my face, “I got you baby, you’re okay with me, I promise.” A soft smile graced his face and my own lips did the same.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just, I had a nightmare.” I mumbled looking away from him. This was the first time since I’ve shared the same bed with him, that I had a nightmare.

“Why do you seem sad about that?” He asked sitting back on his feet.

I looked at him again, “I don’t know.” I lied knowing damn well why I felt so sad about this. A strong guilt washed over me when he leaned in and placed a small peck on my lips. 

“It’s okay, it happens.” He assured me, pulling away from me and laying down again. He pulled me to him and I laid my head on his chest, letting the warmth of his body engulf me. He laced our fingers together and hugged me tighter.

But with you it’s not supposed to happen Lucas. He was what kept them away when I slept and now this time, it didn’t happen. And it makes me ache to know that when I slept with Yuta, there was no nightmares, no bad dreams.

In fact the opposite happened, I had a good dream. The best dream I could have ever hoped of having and it just made me wish things had been that way. That this lifetime never happened and I got to live the one that I saw.

Lucas fell back to sleep quite quickly while I laid on his chest, being consumed in my thoughts. Everything about that nightmare kept playing over and over again, I was married, again. And to Jaehyun of all people.

Without knowing, I eventually fell asleep again and was woken up by Lucas peppering my face with kisses. I smiled and scrunched up my face, “What are you doing?” I laughed pulling my face away from him.

“You were so cute, I couldn’t help myself. I haven’t seen you in forever and you just look more beautiful than the last time I saw you baby.” He cooed, coming down to give place a peck on my lips. It was soft and sweet, it felt right.

Everything with Lucas felt right.

The soft kiss soon turned a little more heated and he fixed himself to hover over me, placing his hand on my waist and the other holding is weight to not crush me. Our heads moved to the side when his tongue fell into my mouth savoring my taste. It felt good to be kissed again.

Lucas soon pulled away from my lips and trailed wet kisses down to my neck. It was something we’ve done a million times but today it felt different. Like something more could happen.

“I missed you so much baby.” He mumbled against the skin of my neck, goosebumps growing on the skin of my soft spot. My body shuddered under him when he started sucking on the skin of my neck. It was the kind of shudder that my body hasn’t felt in a long time.

My fingers got tangled in his air and I softly pulled at his roots, with a soft moan leaving my lips near his ear. He groaned and pressed his pelvis a little deeper into me, pulling a soft sigh from my chest. I pulled his face away from my neck and connected out lips again, wanting more of him. 

But before things could get more heated, Lucas suddenly pulled away from my body and rolled over next to me. I was thrown off by his sudden action. I looked over at him to see his arm covering his eyes and his chest heaving, trying to settle his breathe.

“Um, everything okay?” I asked laying still, trying to process what just happened. A million and ten things were running through my mind and suddenly I started thinking what if he didn’t want me anymore because of what happened?

What if in his eyes I was damaged and he didn’t want to put up with that anymore?

My eyes were closed shut, trying to make the thoughts go away, to make them less loud than what they were. My fingers gripped the bed sheets under me so tight, it was starting to hurt. Inside, I was yelling at the top of my lungs for this to stop, for it to all go away.

The bed shifted beside me and I felt a warm hand over mine, pulling away from the bed sheets. “You keep doing that, it’s not good for you (Y/N).” Lucas whispered pulling my hand up to his lips to place a soft kiss on top.

“Open your eyes and sit up for me please. Let’s talk.”

With much hesitation, I did as he asked of me. I sat across from him copying the way he sat, crisscrossed and our hands laced together. I kept my eyes on his lap and after he realized that I wasn’t going to look at him anytime soon, he started to speak.

“I can only imagine what was going through your head when I pulled away from you like that and I know none of it was good. But don’t think that, not about me or us.”

“This isn’t how I want us to take the next step in our relationship, not like this. You’ve been through a lot in such a short amount of time and you need time to process everything that’s happened.” He softly explained, letting go of one of my hands and bringing it to caress my cheek.

I nestled my face into his palm and looked up at him, “When we take that next step, I want it to be done right. I want it to be perfect, because that’s what you deserve. I want to give you the best.”

“You’re so corny, what are you saying to me?” I laughed and blushed, hiding my face from him. He laughed and pulled my hands away from my face to see my crimson face. Never have I ever seen so much care in two eyes the way I see it in his.

“Thank you for being so understanding. For being so caring and for just being here with me through everything Lucas. Really, thank you.”

It made my heart flutter and my stomach fill with butterflies, it was a nice feeling to have again after everything I’ve been through. But something in my heart, I don’t know, felt a little different. And I wasn’t sure if it was good or bad.

“All jokes aside, I really do mean it (Y/N). I want to do this right.” Lucas assured me and I believed every word he said.

After a little more talking, we moved on with the rest of the day. The afternoon was just getting started, so we made lunch or more like he made me lunch and we talked. We stayed away from the hard topics for the moment being, knowing I wasn’t ready for that yet.

Lunch passed by and we went back to bed, we haven’t seen each other in so long and all we wanted was to stay in bed together for as long as we can. Which was going to be a short time simply because I had to go back home.

I could stay here the night like I have before but with the way things are with Yuta right now, I just didn’t want to make things worse. I’m sure he wouldn’t even notice that I wasn’t home but still, there was no reason for me to test that right now.

When we got to bed, that’s when Lucas and I decided that we should have the hard conversations. It wasn’t easy and he was mad for the most part when I told him about Jaehyun, but not the full details about that day.

He was ready for murder but it didn’t matter if he would actually do something or not. Because it was confirmed that Jaehyun left town and went god knows where. He had nothing left here for him.

And to think that he would have cared about losing his friends was stupid, that man cared for no one but himself and that’s all he needed to survive.

But to know that the person that hurt me and put me in harm’s way was not getting what he deserved, only made Lucas angrier. And it made me realize even more that I would have not brought this out on my own, not now or ever.

None of it.

Not from the things that happened with Yuta, to the things that happened with Jaehyun. Had Yuta and them not walked into the room that day, they would have never known what happened and I would have been okay with that.

I would have been okay with rotting away in my room, burning away with all my thoughts and misery.

“Are you going to be okay going home?” Lucas asked walking me to the door, squeezing my hand.

When we reached his door, I looked up at him and smiled, “I’ll be fine, don’t worry please.” I assured him, returning his tight squeeze.

“I’ll let you know when I get home, okay.” I reached up to give him a kiss and walked out into the night to my car. He watched from his door as I got into my car and drove away.

The drive home felt shorter than what it did this morning and I felt relieved. Before I knew it, I was parking in the drive way of my home. I sat in the car for a few minutes, thinking of how things are with Yuta right now.

I’m not sure why but I didn’t want things to be this way between us. Not again, I wanted things to be better and to make things easier for the both of us. I don’t want him to hate me, I never have and I never will.

The walk up the door, I started to feel around my pockets only to realize that I didn’t bring the keys to the house. And after what happened, Yuta took away the spare that we had left out here. So now that only left me with one thing to do.

My fist knocked against the hard wood and I waited to hear any kind of sound that never came. I rang the doorbell and I heard it echo throughout the house. I tried again but nothing still.

Just as I was getting ready to pull out my phone to call him, the door was swung open and a messy haired Yuta appeared before me.

“What do you want?” He groaned before he realized that it was me standing on the other side of the door. 

There was a shocked look on his face for a split second before he composed himself and gave me the cold stare that I’ve been seeing for the last two weeks.

“Oh, it’s you.” He sneered, moving aside so that I could walk in. I walked into the space of our home and instead of walking away, I stood in front of him. He closed the door and stayed in front of me, which surprised me a little considering all he’s been doing is avoiding me.

“I’m sorry for waking you up, I thought I had taken my keys with me.” I apologized and kept my gaze on his chest. I watched the way it went up and down with every breath he took, the way his fist clenched and unclenched at my words.

Yuta said nothing and turned to walk back up to his room, and without meaning too, I reached for his hand. He stopped but didn’t turn to face me.

“Yuta, I’m sorry. I don’t want you to hate me, please. I don’t know what normal is for us but I don’t want it to be this way anymore.” I pleaded with him.

He pulled his hand away from my hold and continued his way upstairs. I did nothing but watch him walk away from me, my heart felt heavy and I can only imagine that his felt worse than mine.

When he got to the top of the stairs, he stopped and turned to look at me, from all the way down here I could see the way his eyes glossed over.

“There’s nothing more that I want than to hate you, to hate you with everything that I have in me. But I can’t. Because I am so stupidly and profoundly in love with you. So much so that it hurts me.”


	29. Chapter Twenty-Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He was doing it all over again, taking care of me when I needed it most. And for that I loved him, then, now and always. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Yuta didn’t care if I was going to respond to what he said, he said what he had to say and that’s all that he cared about. He gave me one last look and carried on into his room, making sure that the slam of his door echoed.

I stayed there for what felt like forever, not sure what to think. How was I supposed to react to him telling me he still loved me when I know I didn’t feel the same way? How am I supposed to make things better for him when I was the problem?

Are we supposed to stay married like this?

Back in my room, I changed into more comfortable clothes and got into bed. Lucas and I talked for a bit after I got home and told him what happened with Yuta. He felt some kind of way but he keeps reminding himself that Yuta needs time to process all of this.

After we talked, I laid in bed staring at the ceiling feeling exhausted but sleep wasn’t coming to me. So many thoughts and fears were running through my mind that it was starting to make me anxious. I wanted to sleep so bad so I grabbed my pillow and blanket and made my way downstairs.

I decided between sleeping in the living room or the library and chose the library. It was warmer and it felt easier to spend the night there, like I have before. With the lights of the kitchen and the hallway being off, I carefully made my way to the library.

Once I was inside, I set up the couch and felt myself start to get lost in the comfort of my blanket. The warmth weighed down my eyelids heavily that when I heard the door open, it didn’t make much of a difference to me.

“Why are you sleeping here?”

“Nightmares.” I mumbled, falling into a deep sleep.

The peacefulness seemed to have lasted forever and the warmth around me seemed to be never ending. I cuddled myself more into the blankets, not wanting this moment to end. It was comfortable and the smell of the soft detergent filled my lungs with happiness.

I heard movement around me and for a second I thought I was having some kind of nightmare until I slowly opened my eyes. There was more light than usual and I didn’t understand why. I wiped away the tired from my eyes and opened them fully.

Much to my surprise I wasn’t in the library but in Yuta’s room, laying in his empty bed under his covers. I didn’t understand or remember how I even got here? I was almost sure I fell asleep in the library, no?

“You’re awake.” Yuta’s voice sounded behind me.

When I turned to look at him, he was sitting on his desk facing me. He had a soft look on his face and for the first time, he didn’t cover it with a cold look. It felt almost weird looking at him and not seeing the usual look.

“How did I get here?” I asked, sitting up and pulling the covers to my chin.

It was a reflex at this point to curl into myself whenever he was around me because I was scared that my presence would bother him. So when he sat at my feet, I pulled my feet more into my chest and tried to make myself smaller.

“I was in the kitchen with the lights off getting water before bed when you passed by and scared the shit out of me. I saw that you had your pillow and blanket, so I figured you were going to sleep in there like you have before.”

At the end of his words, our eyes met and there was a clear shock in mine. With everything that’s happened, sleeping in my bed has been difficult. Some days it would be too much for me and so I would come to the only place I knew that would make me feel better, the library.

I was surprised because I wasn’t aware that he knew that I was sleeping there. But I guess I should have known that Yuta is always keeping an eye out for me, no matter how things are between us.

“When I asked why, you said you were having nightmares again. And I couldn’t find it in me to leave you like that so I brought you here.”

Yuta watched the way his words affected me and he felt relieved when I softly smiled at him, “Thank you for taking care of me in a moment like that. And for the other night as well.”

“Of course.” He answered with a soft smile on his own lips.

I pulled the covers off my body and moved myself to get off his bed. My legs were hanging off the side of his bed with my hands resting at my sides. It felt like I was waiting for something and I wasn’t even sure what it was.

The room was silent and when his hand landed on mine, I realized what I was waiting for. I was waiting for him to talk to me. To tell me something I wanted to hear but just like he waited for me to tell him something he wanted to hear, it was never going to come.

There were feelings between us that couldn’t be corresponded and we ran a chance of that never happening again. And that was a reality that we had to accept, that he had to accept. Because I already did.

“(Y/N)…” My name coming from him in such a hushed whisper hurt, because I knew he was hurting just saying my name. But there was nothing I could do to help him.

“I don’t want live like this with you anymore. I don’t want to ignore you every time we’re in the same room, I don’t want to argue every time we talk to each other.”

We looked down at our hands and it felt like there was something more lingering in the air and it started to feel hard to breath. There was a faint feeling in my chest and it scared me to think that I could start feeling something I had to painfully forget.

“I don’t want to either Yuta. I’m tired of always being like this with you. But I don’t know what we’re supposed to do.” I answered truthfully, not taking my gaze away from our laced hands. I watched the way his thumb stroked my hand and his fingers gripped my hand every now and then.

I looked up at him and even if he didn’t remember, I know I did and the way he looked at me now was the same way he looked at me back then. He wore his heart on his sleeve for me and only me.

_A Month Later_

My life was slowly starting to get back to normal.

Classes began again and we were this close to finally graduating and that was an amazing feeling to have. The first week was beyond stressful, with all the amount of work I had to focus on and just trying to keep myself sane with being out of the house as much as I was again.

Hendery, Lucas, Ten and I were back to normal, in some kind of sense. We did our normality of meeting in the parking lot in the mornings and afternoons, we still had lunch together. After the first week of rushing back home to be in my comfort, they convinced me into coming out a little at a time with them.

Eventually it became the normal again, to be out and about with them. Especially with Lucas again. And that was the most refreshing thing for me, to be in the comfort of Lucas. To be in his home and in his bed, in his arms cuddled and to be asleep without nightmares.

But things were starting to feel a little different between us now. A kind of different that wasn’t good. And we both knew that but weren’t talking about it, we were ignoring it and acting like everything was normal.

And that started to put a strain on us because I wanted to make things better, we both did but that was out of our control. There was nothing we could do because at the end of the day, what was affecting us was that I was married to Yuta.

The same Nakamoto Yuta that was doing everything he can to get us back to where we were before all of this. To the way we were before he lost his memory. But it was hard to do that when he still hasn’t fully remembered everything.

I was trying my best trying to help him but it was hard too when I knew that my relationship with Lucas was on the line. When I knew that things would change if he remembered everything, my life would change all over again if he actually remembered everything the way I did.

Yuta was suffering from having broken details as memories, it was driving him insane not knowing what to do or what to even think. He got the gist of pretty much what happened. But reading the words and having the memories said to him, wasn’t the same as actually remembering them.

He loved me still and he wanted nothing more than to just go back to that. And that’s what pulled me apart every night, knowing that I wasn’t there anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to open that part of myself again.

I grieved what I had too when this happened eight years ago, I put it to rest and I gave up. I buried that deep within my heart and I swore that I would never open that part of me again. And I meant it, that accident broke me, every part of me.

I owed it to myself to move on and be happy again with someone else. That someone else was supposed to be Doyoung but then Yuta happened. And now I wanted to be with Lucas and as much as it pained me, I wasn’t going to let Yuta get in the way of that again.

Yuta needed his grieving too and I knew that, I knew all of that and I was tired of everyone saying that too me. But I can’t do anything about it! He doesn’t fucking remember! Am I supposed to force the memories back into this head?! Am I supposed to turn back time for him?!

I can’t do anything, I am just as useless as he is in this situation. And that was the most upsetting thing to know. That there was nothing we could do to make this better.

_Until now._

It was Friday night, I finished my shower and was now looking over some notes for a test on Monday. I looked at the time and realized it was already late, it was a quarter past midnight. I closed my book and started getting ready for bed because I made plans to meet with Lucas in the late morning tomorrow.

The lights were dimmed down, because I couldn’t sleep in the dark anymore, and I was pulling the covers off my bed when there was a knock on my door.

First came one and then then two, followed by three. I walked over to my door, confused as to why Yuta was knocking on my door at this time at night and in such a hurried manner. Almost as if it there was something wrong.

I opened the door and before I could ask he was knocking like that, he rushed inside and cupped my face. Startled, my hands automatically came up to his chest and pushed slightly.

“Yuta, what’s going on?” I whispered feeling his heavy breathing hit my face. His eyes were blown out, it almost looked like he was in frenzy. His hair was messy and his forehead had small traces of sweat, he must have been sleeping.

Sleeping and having a memory of us play over.

“I need to remember you.” He said before he brought his lips to mine.

Even though everything was spinning, nothing was processing and nothing was making sense, my lips still responded to his. We were in sync and it was when his tongue came out to lick my bottom lip that I pushed a little harder on his chest, “Wait, what?” I breathed out when he detached from my lips.

“I need to remember (Y/N).” Yuta begged, holding my face tighter to pull me in again and rested his forehead against mine. This time he waited for an answer instead of attacking again.

“Okay.”

He connected our lips again and my hands wrapped around his neck, pulling him in more by the hair. His hands left my face and went down past my waist and to my ass. He groped me before he lifted me up and wrapped my legs around his waist.

My back met the door behind him and I felt him press himself into me, trapping me in between. His tongue came out to lick my lip again and this time I let him in. Our noses bumped when our heads moved to the side to deepen the kiss.

Our tongues mixed and mingled, savoring the taste of each other like it was the first time. And it truly felt like the first time again. The feelings, the passion, the fire burning between our bodies.

The lack of air was becoming too much but neither of us wanted to pull away. This was a feeling we haven’t felt in forever now and we wanted to take in every bit of it, I know I did.

I felt myself slipping down the door a bit so I pulled myself back up, forcing my core to grind against Yuta’s growing hard on, causing the both of us to groan into each other’s mouth.

He pulled away first with a nibble on my bottom lip, “Fuck.” He trailed kisses down my neck and started an attack with his teeth sinking into the sensitive skin. The pleasure and sting of his bite, made a gasp fall past my lips and goosebumps explode all over my body.

The make out session and now this, I started to feel moisture in between my legs. And I knew that Yuta could feel it through my thin shorts and his thin sweats. He started to grind into me now that he was fully hard.

I moaned his name softly in his ear while I pulled at his hair softy, “Don’t stop please.”

He looked up at me again and connected our lips once more, pulling me away from the door. With our tongues down each other’s mouths, he laid me on bed and settled himself in between my open legs. My hands never left his hair and his left my ass to place them on either side of my head. 

With a solid surface under us, he started to grind harder into me. All the moans that fell past my lips were swallowed by his tongue. One of his hands moved from the bed, down to the hem of my shirt, tugging at it.

“Can I take this off?” He asked pulling away enough to see my face. I nodded yes and he gently pulled it over my head, throwing it somewhere on the floor once it was off my body.

Shivers went down my body and I quickly crossed my arms over my bare chest when I realized that this was the first time I was going to be intimate again after what happened. And suddenly all of this felt scary again.

Yuta looked down at me and quickly noticed something was wrong, “What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?”

I closed my eyes and nodded no, “It’s just that… this is the first time since… since you know.” I answered feeling the tears burn behind my eyelids. My fingernails dug into the skin of my arms where I was holding them, hoping that would stop the flashbacks from coming through. 

A good part of me starting blocking out that memory, knowing that I never wanted to talk about it again, never wanting to relive that moment in time again. And that’s exactly what I would achieve if only the flashbacks would stop.

They would happen suddenly, triggered by the smallest things sometimes. The smell of his cologne would be enough to force my body into a panic and force all the air out of my lungs. The memories of that forsaken day always break me down to my core and throw me into a frenzy of isolation.

Thankfully the boys and Yuta are always there for me when that happens. They sit outside my room and talk to me until I’m comfortable enough to come out to them again. Some days it would take longer to bring me out but they were patient.

And when I do come out, they showed me more love than the first time and definitely more than the last. It was a never ending cycle of love and I just hoped that one day I would be able to repay them for half of what they have done for me.

“Do you want me to stop?” Yuta asked caressing my cheek, his soft touch bringing me back to the moment we were in.

I opened my eyes and looked at his, “No, please don’t.”

“I won’t hurt you, I promise. I’ll take care of you.” He assured me coming down to peck my lips, “Tell me to stop whenever and I will.”

And suddenly it was the first night we shared together again. The words he said now, were the same ones he said that first night. I was nervous and scared but he was my rock, he took care of me even though he had no idea what he was doing either.

He was doing it all over again, taking care of me when I needed it most. And for that I loved him, then, now and always.

“Tell me you want more.” Yuta mumbled against my lips, his hands pulling mine away from my chest and bringing them back to his neck.

“I want more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am truly so sorry for the lack of updating recently. With work and other things going on, it's been hard to post the days that I'm supposed too. Hopefully I'll be able to get back on track soon enough.  
With that being said, I am unfortunately not going to be able to post in two weeks because I will be out of town. So as of right now, the next chapter will be up in three weeks.   
But in the mean time, please do enjoy this chapter and feel free to leave any feed back, thank you.


	30. Pause.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce that I will be taking a break from posting the remainder of this story. 

Hopefully I will be back in September to post the last few chapters.

Unfortunately I have a lot of going on at the moment and just within myself too. So with all of that going on, it’s been hard be in the right head space.

This story means so much to me and the last thing I want to do is rush the ending or write something that I feel isn’t my best work.

Thank you so much for understanding 💚 I promise the last few chapters will be worth this wait 💚 but until then, take care of yourself, stay safe and remember to drink water.


	31. Announcement!

## Hello hello guys. How's everyone been doing since the last time I posted? 

I’ve been doing okay. Things are still a bit rocky for me over here sadly. As soon as I fix one thing, it feels like something somewhere else breaks so that sucks.

Unfortunately, as much as I wish that I was posting about making my comeback, I am not. And that hurts me so deeply. Because all I want to do is come back already.

I just wanted to let you guys know what’s been happening and keep you posted. And most of all to remind you guys that I haven’t forgotten you and that I am still very much here.

Hopefully, I hope so hard that maybe around the start of December or end (I hope not) I will be able to come back with the next chapter of the series. And finish the series from there. 

But until then, I hope you guys are taking care of yourselves. Make sure to eat well and drink lots of water. It’s starting to get cold, so make sure you cover up and drink lots of warm drinks.

** _I am so thankful for you guys, especially everyone waiting for the rest that is that to come. And a big thank you to everyone new that has come on this journey with me. I really can’t wait to be back._ **

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to do so, I will answer you in the best way that I can. 

Thank you so much!


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